In Search of the Perfect Mate

Women love shopping. OK. Most women thrive on shopping, and why not? Even experts say it is therapeutic. To perfect the art, women biblically follow the adage, “if it doesn’t fit, don’t buy”, some advice that has saved them ending up with pieces they cannot wear a month later. The difficult part comes when the same wisdom is applied to their search for partners, resulting in tragic results and conclusions- women are impossible to please.

So impossible that an Internet joke has been spurned about it. It is about a store that has husbands for sale. The store has six floors and the attributes of the men increase as a shopper ascends the flights. There is a catch though- a shopper can only go up or exit the building on whatever floor he/she is on. By the time the shopper is on the fifth floor, the deal is already too good. The men there have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. One particular shopper goes on to the sixth floor and there finds a sign that reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

If such a store ever existed, then the number of those visiting floor six can only go one way- up. Forget women’s fascination with the bad-boy-cum-jerk phenomenon. Deep inside, all women are longing for that man who will treat them like the queens they believe they are, and any man who even comes close to such a description will find himself in very high demand. And I can guess the female variation of that joke- the women here have no kids, earn less than you… what were the other characteristics Info-track Research and Harris Interactive came up with?

But do perfect men exist? No, do perfect partners exist- you know- those from Adam’s rib bone allegory, that if you miss them once, you have missed on destiny? And is that partnerhood mutual in the sense that your Mr/Mrs Right will think the same of you?
It is normal to have ideals of the kind of partners we think we need. Women in particular go through their search for lifetime partners armed with a shopping list of ‘have to’ and ‘absolutely not’ characteristics. Tall, dark, handsome… Anyone who does not even come close to that is promptly checked off the list. Some, amidst the rubble, unearth their gem. But many will testify to having kissed enough frogs hoping that hidden beneath was the prince who would match them to the sunset, only to discover that WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) is not just for desktop publishing.

We will not all be lucky to find the partner who maps our childhood mental beau. Even probability can prove that. A certain self appointed statistician went to the trouble of explaining why he will never meet his proverbial girl. I will not try to explain or understand the standard deviation principles and statistics theories used to come up with the results (I skipped STA 110 classes), but he concluded that as a 21 year old from North America; looking for a beautiful female aged 18-25, with a wee bit of intelligence (not so much to ask for), it would take him 3493 weeks (that’s nearly 67 years) of daily blind dates before he met one of the 18726 probables in the entire world. Taking into consideration our life expectancy, he would be dead (and her too) before he found her.
After all that, do you still need more evidence why you should just learn to live with his small misdemeanors and hope he will style up under your tutelage? Or why you should just learn to embrace her 40”+ waistline and her nagging and meanwhile get a life insurance?

So what is so wrong with settling for nothing but the best? Assuming the “till death do us part” vows are for real, it is only fair to have in mind what you really want. And even professionally we know only specific goals work.
We cannot begrudge anyone who feels shortchanged on what they got at the end of their wedding night, or whatever variation we have made of that. We can even try and understand their plight as they search of the perfect man/woman, only too discover that they will never come with all the trappings you need them to and even when they do, the packaging is often all so wrong you may fail to recognise them. It is only those who have the patience to scour beneath the mismatched clothes, nose-mining fingers, crazy weave, shallow laughter, loud belching (and snoring), funny accent and body odour problem, who may brandish their had earned trophy of frog-turned prince/ess.

I am not trying to discourage all those who are armed with a fantasy list of the man who will keep them warm in old age (if it lasts that long).
The sad fact at the end of the day is that perfect partners never existed and if they did, they went extinct a number of millennia ago. Ditching a list though does not mean giving up any standards and facing life with an empty slate and open mind. It rather means being open to the mysterious, unpredictable nature of love and gauging how we rate as partners before we can rate others.

For even when you think you found him/her, you will find that they come more in raw material form, and it is only hard work and persistent belief and faith in them that will give you what you have been searching for. Perfection does not create a perfect bond, love does. And the fun is not in getting there, it is in the journey of growth and transformation for the two of you.

Women and age lies

One eleven year-old girl is counting years- to the day she will turn eighteen. Unlike so many of us whose fascination with that age was so we can acquire a national ID with which to terrorize our parents and club bouncers, her motivation is so she can get a vote.
“If only children can vote,” she mused. The only form of support she can now give to her favourite presidential candidate is monitoring the size of the crowds he pulls during campaigns. Her political goodwill for the candidate aside, she reminded me of the worldwide lies we tell about our ages. And made me wonder how soon it will be before she can start subtracting the years she is so keen on adding now.

Most lies I try to understand. Like telling your man he looks like Denzel Washington when he certainly does not. Or telling him you just happened to be in that outfit he loves. Or telling your woman she does not look fat. The age lie is one confounding one though.

Most people I know are touchy about how old they are, even when there is no reason to. The ensuing lies are not a preserve of either sex but women seem to get the hats off award for lying about their ages. When they wont lie, then they evade the question. Word has it that women will always lie about their age and the only way of knowing a woman’s true age is to cut her in half and count the rings! Also that the longest ten years of a woman’s life falls between the ages of 25 and 30- any age told here could as well have two subtracted from it. And that the 39th year is the longest year of a woman’s life. I could agree. One girl managed to remain at 18 for her four years of high school, making us wonder if after some point, she used a different age measuring mechanism than the rest of us.

Age is not an issue for most people during their earlier years. In fact during that time, age is not complete without a half or some months to it. You are not just nine. You are nine and three months old. You turn sixteen- and everyone has to know. Sixteen is the epitome of maturity, the turning into a woman/man. Eighteen. You are old enough to face up to responsibility. People have to know you have an ID. You can get your driving license. Twenty-one. You may not scream it from the rooftops but you are cool with it. Then gradually trouble starts. The lies and evasiveness start after 25.

But do women always lie about their ages? Between men and women who lies most? Why?

Dory Hollander, a psychologist and author of “101 Lies Men Tell Women,” says her data shows that women lied about weight, age and appearance, while men would lie about achievements, connections and actions. Women’s lies were aimed at protecting the other person’s feelings or the relationship, whereas men’s tended to be protective of their own freedom and autonomy.

The greater pressure on women to always look physically appealing and the stigma associated with old age play a huge role in the need for women to look younger at all cost, even lie about their ages. Young is appealing. The male mind is inclined to like a young female- she is likely to be more reproductively healthy hence species survival.

Grace, 58, would rather be honest about her age.
“ I want to bask in the glory of being told I look younger than I really am. Whether or not this is true, it’s nice to hear,” she says.
But she agrees that women feel the pressure to keep looking young as it makes them more attractive.
“We take pills, use anti-aging creams, go on diets, dye our hair, dress younger and if need be, lie about our actual ages. A lot of times we get away with it,” she says.

21 year-old Aggie would rather be vague about her age.
“I am always too young for my friends and the men I date. I find myself adding two years to my age or evading the question. If I told them the truth, they will think I am lying.”

Men are not under the same pressure to look young and appealing and can declare their actual age and still be declared desirable. But they also lie about their ages.

Oliver 27, told me his age. But he was quick to tell me under normal circumstances, he would not tell.
“Age comes with expectations. If I told you I am thirty-seven, that certainly raises certain questions in your mind, like why I am not yet married. To be safe I will tell you an age I think I can handle. If I was 32 and an MP, I would let the whole world know. There is prestige that comes with that. It all has to do with how successful you feel for your age.”

He is of course convinced that women are the greatest liars about their ages. “Women lose their value as they grow older. Unlike wine women get worse with age,” he quips. “My reaction to a 24 year-old and to a 34 year-old will be very different. Women lie to look younger because they think they will be more desirable.”

Maina, 23 does not think age is such a big deal to a man but he would still lie about his age to a girl.
“If a man wants to date a younger or older chick, then he doesn’t want to be out of her range. If I was 37 and I met a girl I thought was 22, I would tell her I am 28. Once we she likes me, she will not mind the lie,” he says.

But it does not make sense to Aggie why a man will lie about his age. “It does not serve him any purpose. We know why women lie about their age but what does a man have to gain by removing two or three years from his age? If I can date a 34 year old man I can date a 41 year-old.”

May be the solution as she suggests is to tell anyone interested to keep guessing your age and you go with whatever they say. So long it is not above your real age.

YES WE LOVE ATTENTION

This rather long list of what turns on the charm in women ran in Crazy Monday a few weeks ago. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be: A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master, a chef, an electrician, a carpenter, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a stylist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, a good father, very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, gallant, intelligent, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable, passionate… without forgetting to: give her compliments regularly, love shopping, be honest, be very rich, not stress her out, not look at other girls; and at the same time he must also: Give her lots of attention, but expect little himself, give her lots of time, especially time for herself, give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes, never to forget birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.

On the other hand the list for making a man happy had only one entry: Leave him alone. There is no denying the list was a bit lopsided but it is not a secret women love attention and can be quite hard when it comes to making demands. One of the worst things you can do to them is ignore them. Their attention seeking will go from simple flirting to exclusivity and monogamy claims, sometimes to the more outrageous drama queen syndrome and in extreme cases to jealous wives scalding lovers.

Attention seeking could be as old as man himself. One theory goes that it started in the Garden of Eden when God told the woman that her desire would be only for her husband, and him, instead of responding to that, would lord it over her. Another one says that an attentive male is likely to stick around and foster a family after mating. A woman will therefore seek to feel important and loved in a relationship prior to engaging in physical intimacy to guarantee the survival of the species.

Whatever the case, attention makes women feel good. They will go out of their way to get noticed, complimented, be treated nice and exclusive, have things done for them, pampered, spoiled, ooohed and aaahed over, be won over, too much like cats- a parallel our own Nicolas Asego could try working on next time. If being a woman is not enough to guarantee this, then ploys (some of these men so frustrating or silly) come to work.

Anything therefore that competes with her for attention is immediately blacklisted. Football definitely features on that list. A lot of women hate football. I do. My reasons may have more to do with pure rebellion-men love it so I go the other way- than a logical reason but the football widows around will vouch for that. It is no fun being sidelined for the screen, knowing that the Premier League is more important to his calendar than you. Last Saturday, I happened to be in a very female setting during the Man-U vs Arsenal game. Not only was the channel changed the moment the game started (too bad for me who wanted to keep tab of the scores), but the frequent roars from the bar across the street did a lot to upset my fellow female folks. Football demands total attention from the man and staying up (and out) in the night is a misdemeanour they can live with. Few women can try competing with that and to make things easier they learn to enjoy the game plus its rules; cram the clubs names plus those of the players, coaches and referees (ouch) and know the schedules. Yeah, and get along with his game-watching cronies.

Not all men love their jobs. But most of them realize that they do need the job, at least for an income. But woe unto the woman who has a workaholic for her man. Unless she is also one, then there is no end to the bargains both of them will have to make and I am no prophet of doom here, but she will have to understand that she comes after his work- real tough.

The other nearly unbeatable attention competitor will have to be his mother- especially if he is a mamma’s boy. No denying the linkages that exist between mothers and sons, but a man who cannot sever those for the woman in his life is one serious cause of heartache in the home. As I said, women love attention. Competing for that with another woman has to be a near killer. Oh, how could I forget: mistresses, clandes, and any other woman with the sights on your man can easily fall here. They may not do much damage but they will take a good chunk of your airtime.

The debate on cars is not that convincing- until you mess up with his latest wheels. Then you understand why some men will refer to their cars as their babes.

Booze and the boys come last but not because they are of the least influence. They could actually be the number one offenders. Of course his friends were there before you showed up. They will be there after you are long gone and forgotten. They represent brotherhood and probably, the less roller-coaster side of his life. They will often come first, before you. Learn to live with that or make his world revolve around you- and do not break his heart after he has ditched the boys for you.

Seeking attention though should not get to the point where one thrives on it. It misses and you wilt. Giving attention on the other hand should not mean being clingy and needy neither should it mean being predictable and boring, a poodle at her beck and call.

For the man who wants to up his game, it is a small –ok not so small- bargain that can only work to improve the relationship. Only that individuality and freedom should not be lost in the giving.

My voice for the Unborn

We all think babies are cute especially if they are on Pampers or Vaseline commercials. Until you realize that you are the one who is to have the baby and that decision never for once featured in your contingency plans. You either have two years to complete college (and your parents are having enough trouble raising your fees), you are just launching into the deep end of your career, your man just gave you the boot, or you are 45 years old, with your last child in form two and wondering what the heck to do with a baby.

I believe there is no greater honor God bestowed a woman than that: being able to produce, nurture and bring forth a life. She may not have had the choice in the particular order of chromosome combinations but it is her baby alright. It is evident it in the pride in her eye as she watches the baby breastfeed, as he takes his first step, as he leaves for his first day to school, on the day he graduates from college, on the day she walks down the aisle…

But bless choice. We have discovered that if a baby comes at the wrong time, science did provide options. We will visit one of the many ‘abortueries’ around town and get rid of the ‘blob of blood’ before it messes up our cutely planned life. And life will go on. Monday we will be back at work or in class, thriving as ever, Saturday we walk down the aisle clad in pure white, sweet and innocent and Sunday we are ushering in the Church. But as much as we may want to look sanctimonious and harmless, the epitome of a liberated modern woman, statistics are selling out our game. Looking at abortion figures from a local university, I gained a new respect for every woman and girl who chooses to give birth after a crisis pregnancy. It is only after getting through the horror list of all abortions that have been procured (some are actually repeat offenders) that you realize that giving birth takes courage and strength, and I am not talking about the pain involved.

The choice to sacrifice a baby for “us” will cross the mind of almost every one who has had to deal with a baby we never bargained for. Of course at that  time we would rather not think of it in terms of a baby- more of a pregnancy, the result of conception. It gets easier if we are thinking of it versus a father who has jumped ship, an income that is not enough to feed you alone, a job that takes up more calories than you are taking in, a husband who would care less, or parents who are ready to disown you. Then we will defend abortion as a woman’s right, an important political symbol of the emancipated woman’s right to “control her own body.” But before we swallow that emancipation crap, maybe it is time we went back to our woman instinct and asked ourselves how free it makes us, trading an unwanted pregnancy for guilt, shame, years of denial and a permanent life marker where life is dated as ‘before’ and ‘after’ the abortion. It is simply a cruel trade-off, one we may take the rest of our lives getting over if we ever do

If you still insist on going ahead and getting rid of the minor inconvenience that pregnancy is, it would only be fair to consult the man responsible and not so that he pays for the operation. He just might want to keep the child. Like a friend one day said, “ who knows? That child might grow up to be the next president of Kenya. I cannot just take that risk.” But for those with consciences the size of the Pacific, save yourself the trauma. You will of course lose a lot in choosing to keep a baby you never bargained for but get encouraged. Researchers investigating post-abortion reactions say that the only positive emotion associated with abortion is relief. And that is understandable considering the pressure a woman is likely to be in to get it done with.

May be it is time someone told of the emotional trauma, of the crying bouts, the years of wondering if you will ever get another baby, the revulsion every time we see a baby, the hoping that people and God will accept you if they ever discover the truth, the flashbacks that we are have to use all our mental energy to repress…

May be, just maybe, life does not begin at conception. And may be, we have no right to bring a baby in the world when we think we cannot handle it. May be we even possess sophisticated philosophies, strong coping resources, and semantic agility, that can keep the aborted life at a distance. The only question which remains is how well we will be able to live with this truth…or how long we will be able to run from it?