Beyond surface allures

“I love my legs. You should see them,” one lady said and everybody turned trying to peer at the legs that were safely hidden under trousers.
“I love my hair and my bum,” went  another.
“I love my complexion and my legs.”
My turn arrived and I wished the question had been “What I did not like about my body” instead of the other way round.
We have all been there. Long intense moments of body searching in front of the bathroom mirror, pointing out all the real and imagined flaws we see on our bodies and what we could do to rectify them. The women’s magazines bombard us with  near-perfect pictures of ideal women who by comparison make us feel like miss plain Jane, here I come. Our friends though meaning no harm show us the ideal complexion, the ideal waist, bum and hip size, hair colour and texture, nail length and we rate ourselves by that… until the standards reverse and we are no longer sure whether a big bum, big bust is fashionable any more.

Most of the time this gets us to a little grumbling followed by a minor plummeting of our self-confidence, followed by a little self-talk on how beautiful we really are. Once in a while we push our partners to tell us more specifically where the beauty lies if only to reinforce our feeble faith in ourselves.
Like the women above,  I wonder  how many of us can confidently stand in front of an audience and say what they love about their bodies and really mean it. Given a chance, we could all change something.

There is a joke about the woman who ahead a near death experience but on meeting God, He tells her that she still has twenty more years to live. Immediately on getting out of hospital, she goes to a plastic surgeon who gives her a facelift, stomach tuck, silicon boobs, hair colouring, the works. But as she is crossing the street to go home, a car hits her and she dies. Mad, she goes to God to find out why he lied to her. He apologises; she had changed so much he could not recognise her. I hope your funny tick is on but even if it is not, there lies a truth for every woman. No matter how perfect everyone thinks our bodies are, there is always that pointed nose, tripped ears, squint eye, too flat chest, straight hips that we could do something radical about if we had the courage and the money. Technology can even allow us to get a brand new face if we do not like the one we adorn right now, only we have to live reminding ourselves and our friends and family it is us only we have a new face.

The TV programme ‘Extreme Makeover’ shows us what wonders that can do to our self-esteem. If crooked teeth are the only things denying us happiness in this world and there is something that can be done about that, why not? If too much body fat will deny us marital bliss and liposuction can do the marvel, why not go ahead and have fun?

The problem is that not everyone will have a chance to take some radical decisions with their bodies. A lot of people who tried that- like one who had steel rods surgically added to her legs to make her taller- are left feeling miserable in the long run. Many of us find that we have to live with our bodies just the way they were created and the sooner we stop crucifying ourselves or the gene donors the better. Crucifying others too. Most of us are already sensitive enough about our bodies without having a second or third party highlight our hockey stick legs or major nose.
Neil Clark Warren in his book “Finding the Love of Your Life” gives insight into dealing wit this. “Your attractiveness depends on the sum total of your qualities. Your strength may balance out your weaknesses. A high score in one quality like ‘personality’ can compensate for a lower score on another quality like ‘good looks’. The trick is to maximise your strengths and minimise your weaknesses.”
Warren’s point is that we can all make the best and most of what we have. A pair of heels or wedges , some waxing, some lipstick, a little self confidence, all go along way. You will have to see Caro Wahome on the fashion pages for more of that.
At the end of the day, we are more than our physiques, more than our looks. It may take quite some mental energy to look beyond the surface or to convince people that there is more than meets the eye but it will be a very sad existence for the woman who derives her value solely from her body even if it pays her bills.

Bagging the elusive man

‘If men are like buses, then how do I catch one?’ That is the title of a book by Michelle Hamon that illustrates how elusive bagging an eligible man has become for so many of the modern day women. The problem is not in that there are no men around- but that today’s man for one reason or another, is in no hurry to think of wedding bells.

Maybe it comes with seasonal tides like the migration of birds but when the settling bug bites, woe unto the single woman who has to attend so many weddings while trying to explain to a myriad aunties why she has not said anything concerning her own. The problem per se is not getting a man because local statistics tell us that though women outnumber men, there are still enough single and eligible men around. Crisis is when a woman reaches that point in life when only wedding bells will do, and she slowly and sadly realizes that she might have to tone down on so much of what she wanted in her perfect man, and even the compromised ‘revised second edition’ might not be all that easy to convince to produce the magical stone.

When the woman finally decides to try some ingenuity on her own to convince the poor bloke that it was time anyway he preserved some of those gorgeous genes in a stable family setting, she comes across some code, that no one has ever bothered articulating its specifics (at least to me). This is the code that has cost so many men and women possible spouses and friendships because someone somewhere went to the trouble of laying down rules for love.

If you ever watched the movie  ‘Two can play that game’, starring Vivica Fox and Morris Chestnut, then you probably came up with the same lesson that I did: that there are no rules to love. But how I so wish that could sink into the skulls of so many, who go about with bleeding hearts, probably because they did not say (or do) want they wanted to say when they should have said it, and now they just wonder at what might have been.

For all the aggressive women who have sat by the phone waiting for it to ring only to resign themselves to the fact that he is not calling- at least not tonight; for all the women who have won his engagement ring for what- four years and he is still to talk about weddings; for all those who have not yet gone beyond knowing his first name, and even that, he did not tell it to you himself, you got it from a friend: when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no script that will work every time. And even when you think you got it, ‘the foolproof recipe for making him walk down the aisle’, the man will always do something that upsets the whole scheme and you want to shout, “It is not meant to be that way.”

I do not dispute that there are the generalisations that work with men: they are the hunters, being chased by a woman spoils the fun of the game… blah blah. The truth is, you are not going to lose him if you never had him, so get him first. And that might mean walking up to him and finding out his name. Or you just might be the one to pop the million-shilling question. Or you have to get off your bum and fix that first date after all.

When it comes to matters of the heart, and here we are not talking about the blood pumping muscle in your thoracic cavity that misses a few beats or races when you see him/her, virtual codes that often exist in people’s minds may only succeed in causing you so much heartbreak. There will always be a battle between logic/sense/ conventions and what you think you heart wants. You will often have to decide between following your heart and using your head. That does not mean you throw all reason to the wind just because his sight preempts everything else that was running in your brain and three months later you are either HIV positive, with a broken heart or wondering what the heck to do with that baby.

May be loving someone is all in the mind and therefore a matter of choice rather than the combined effects of genetic self-preservation, cupid, hormones and emotional imbalances. And may be the fall is so bad it short circuits the brain’s thinking path or moves the grey matter to some other part of the human anatomy. But maybe that is how it is meant to be. Uncharted, unprecedented, unwritten. The only thing a list of do’s and don’ts could ever accomplish is wreak havoc in hearts that are completely taken over by temporary madness.

I wont try and draw parallels between men and buses especially Kenyan buses- but I guess Michelle, catching a man is much more complicated than catching a bus, unless you are ready to flaunt the rules and get in the arena ready to play dirty.

The folly of most weddings

“Men do not love weddings, they love the honeymoon more. Women love weddings, they wish it took as long as the honeymoon”.

Of all the activities or events that ever happen, weddings must be the most female dominated.
Attend any wedding ceremony. More than half the crowd is likely to be women and they are the ones more likely to be directing the whole affair. This fascination with weddings is not a newly acquired habit for women. They have always been sensitive to how their dream wedding will be conducted and will scream or sulk away when there husband to-be or any of their friends is not responsive or team working.

It has actually been said that a woman dreams of her own wedding since she was a child, but a man only starts dreaming his wedding when he discovers a woman (if at all he does). Whether or not that is true, most men will agree that they loathe weddings. And why not? The groom, at most weddings is often an afterthought, just one more prop on the stage. Her stage. Women are generally the ones who direct the ceremony, who most  enjoy dressing up for the ceremony, whose clothing gets to be preserved for posterity (after it has cost both arms and a leg), whose preacher is more likely to conduct the ceremony; all this time while the man gets deeper into debt trying to finance the whole escapade. Right after the ceremony, the man is whisked off to the wedding reception, which may drag on for hours on end as the woman’s relatives surround him trying to tell him how he should take care of their daughter. The honeymoon is the highlight of the whole marriage service for the majority of the male, though this happens to be the item that he typically has to wait the longest to enjoy.

Current societal norms show that a man does not have to marry to enjoy a lot of what goes on in marriage anyway. A study carried out in 2006 showed that most men fear marriage because they feel that it offers little they don’t already have and might require them to do things they don’t want to do. According to the study, the number one reason men are cold on marriage is that sex has become easy to get without it meaning that if matrimony were suddenly the only acceptable arrangement for sex the median age of marriage for men would drop to about 17.So why do men go along with it anyway?

Weddings have been said to be the temporary torture men have to go through to get the woman who makes them happy into their homes- and beds. When a man feels that he loves a particular woman, he wants to own her fully and sometimes having a wedding may be the only way of getting there. Many women, even after years of marriage (or living together) still dream of eventually having a wedding and will begrudge the man who denies them that opportunity in their lifetime.

This may be because the way a woman marries matters. I remember a woman who wanted her wedding redone because the photographer got it all wrong and “did not capture the genuine emotions of the whole ceremony.” This is because the photo session was orchestrated by the pastor who refused pictures to be taken during the service.

“It’s gone and I am so miserable things didn’t go the way I wanted,” she moaned.

Her misery has nothing to do with the man she married. He may be the one who makes her happy but her dream wedding was messed and there was no way to reconcile that.

“He just can’t get it.” She said of her husband. “I dreamed of this all my life and I wanted it to be perfect. Now it all looks so plastic.”

So what is it with women and weddings?

“It is about going in honour, in front of all your friends and relatives, and God,” argues Agnes. “I always knew I’ll have a wedding. It s crazy to think that might not happen.”

Ngatia has been married for 10 years but his wife still bugs him for a church wedding.
“We didn’t have a wedding because there was no time and we were fat broke from college. 10 years later, she is still obsessed with a wedding. What else do women want?” He asks.

“oh, I loved my wedding. I got to plan it for a year, worried about the price of it, had to find the dress of a lifetime, and look better than I ever looked in my entire life. I actually had to starve myself so I would fit in my wedding dress.” Says Tama who walked down the aisle last year.

“ I have not met the man  want to marry. But he has no choice when it comes to a wedding.  I Even have decided on the theme colours,” Wambui.

But not all women are bananas about weddings. Jebet is planning to move in with her boyfriend this year. “I know my parents will be mad. Especially my mother. But I want all that attention and pressure that comes with weddings,” she says.

Men’s lack of interest in weddings may have a lot to do with the way they have been brought up. Some of the comments form men about weddings are as follows:

“Men just want their wedding day to get over asap, but they will understand the fantasies of their bride and will do everything to make it her happiest day.”

“If I were single and getting married tomorrow, I would forgo a traditional wedding and opt for getting married on a cruise ship. And no, not because of all the nice places the ship would take me, but because getting married on a cruise ship means that the honeymoon begins just as soon as you walk back to your cabin,”
“another wrote in a blog.

“I have just never fully understood the need to play those “roles” and wear those “costumes” and recite those lines of what is essentially a play that everyone seems to feel the need to perform for friends and family in order to demonstrate the love they share.”

“I cannot imagine myself standing in front of all those people to utter some foolish promises. If she believes that I love her, why not come home with me? That is all that matters. We love each other and want to stay together.”

“Generally, men hate weddings. While every woman feels slighted if she’s not invited to the wedding of even a passing acquaintance in college, us guys get offended if we’re invited to anything other than a close blood relative.”

“I couldn’t waste my money on a wedding. And I didn’t want the publicity. If it’s just her I wanted, why go to all that trouble?” asks Ochola, married for the last 13 years.

“Cant we just be simple. Sign the stupid papers, make the vows, say the prayers, and good night.” Another curtly put it.

Wrong focus

“I understand that weddings are for families first, brides second, and everyone else third.”

“I have nothing against marriage itself, but I hate the monster that modern weddings have turned into. It’s more about showing off, spending money, and partying than a joining of a man and woman. Then you throw in jealousy and all the other bad emotions, the jockeying for position, and hurt feelings to arrive at a modern wedding.”

I have always dreamed of giving my daughter a glorious wedding with all the trimming. Then I came to realize that it was never for her really, it was for me. I wanted to look great because of all I was going to do. I wanted the applause for a job well. Marriage is about the union of the couple, NOT the ceremony or gifts.”

“Marriages are about love and commitment, weddings are about showing off.”

“Weddings are just an excuse for people who are fortunate enough to find love to be greedy and suck money and time from their friends while treating them as if it were their privilege to even be a part of their wedding.”

My Thorn in the Flesh

It is nice I have a bf who is so the opposite of me in so many ways. Of course he knew I was mad at him, even though I was not willing to talk. And did he coerce me until I finally said what it is that was disturbing me. He cannot sleep over an issue. I can live with an issue for ever. If he hadn’t brougt that up I would have stayed with it for weeks, even months, just trying to see if I can see the love of God in his life- or drive him to guilt and to being a better Christian. But he got me, by asking me the simple question: What do I think of him when he does something wrong? The truth- I would rather he did nothing wrong. I would rather he were perfect. In his career, finances, dressing, faith, prayer, devotion, loving me. The truth is that he is not. And none of us are.
Then he challenged me by telling me that my spiritual life is an example to im. That was sweet. But also bad. I wanted his spiritual life to be an example to mine. I didn’t want to feel like I was coercing him to love God more for me- I wanted him to love God more for himself. That way he becomes a better man. I wanted him to help me love God more. May be I will never understand how these things work. In my desire to draw him closer t God, I do not want to draw him to myself, or drive him away. Tricky. But I guess in that struggle, I have grown closer to God, probably because I now have a thorn in my flesh that cannot make me get comfortable.

I am a very pathetic Christian most of the time. I fail so many times, I am often just amazed by God’s redeeming grace. In the last 6 months, I have come to love the verse that says that as far as the east is from west, so far as he removed my sin from me. Becasue I find it hard to forgive myself evertime I screw up. I just love it when Casting Crowns sings: I am not holding onto Him but He is holding onto me, in their song East to West.  Can God forgive me and ignore my failings and weaknesses. Yes He can. Yes He does. If nothing else, I think this relationship should teach me the same. To forgive others and to accept their failings wthout tagging them for  a lifetime. I know I always hated weaknesses in people especially men, but I think it’s time I dealt with that. We all are weak. We all fail. But for God’s grace we’d all be so gone. We can extend the same grace to others- treat them like they have not messed.