Ditch Him
Posted by lovewitness on April 4, 2008
People wear T-shirts with funny writings. One I saw recently read, “Ditch him.” And I believe that is some advice so many people need. I want to believe the designer of the top had no malicious intent but even if he/she had, some ladies just need to hear it from someone else. Ditch him.
Some relationships are not worth sleepless nights. And I am not talking about the man who has made you his punching bag, or the one that believes monogamy was invented for fools. Those ones should not even feature in your life anymore. My case is against all the wonderful, sweet men in our lives who are simply there to waste time. Theirs and ours. That is why I almost celebrated over the proposal by the Government to declare a couple that has lived together for more than two years married. If it goes through, it will be a lifesaver for those women who have lived with a man they for all purposes consider to be their husbands but have not been sharp enough to get a baby and name it after his mother. (That is the way it is usually done. Yeah?) But careful there. If you had no intention of marrying him, you will have to get smarter.
Few women though are likely to live with a man for two years just for convenience sake. In many modern arrangements, the man is just interested in enjoying the benefits of partnerhood without the permanence, an arrangement that allows him to opt out when things get bad or even a little low-key, with the only major decisions to be made being who takes the settee, who takes the music system. Women therefore find shacking up as the best bargain for keeping the man, hoping that after a long enough time, he will get used to warm home cooked meals and satin legs in bed and will not be so ready to trade that away. Until she is surprised (ok, shell-shocked) by wedding invitations- to his wedding, or by the appearance of his legally married wife and kids who lived upcountry.
A research done in the USA for the National Marriage Project says that couples that move in without marriage are more likely to divorce, if at all they ever get married. The insinuation was such couples eventually break up without ever formalizing their arrangement.
Unlikely. I thought. After all what difference does a wedding ring and a certificate make if we love each other? I got my answer soon from an email I received from a friend who thought he could sort out our species before we self-destruct. It has everything to do with men’s age-old malady- commitment phobia.
According to this buddy the only reason a man will keep a girlfriend for five years only to walk down the aisle with a girl he met four months earlier was because all this time, he has been waiting for something better to show up or for her to become something better. Meanwhile, he keeps himself amused. If he eventually marries the six-year-old girlfriend, it is because he got tired of looking for something better.
“And ladies, sorry to tell some of you, but it doesn’t take 4 or 5 years for that man to figure it out. It doesn’t take 2 or 3 years either.” He went on.
Tough. Because if that is true, it is time some of us got to “really think” about the men in our lives. Start with the “ex” that you are in a sexual relationship with. Or the man at whose house you spend most weekends. Think about the man you are now living with. Or the elusive father to your baby. Think about your first love who keeps popping in and out of your life like a bad dream.
I tend to agree with Kin Hubbard who said that women seem to be all right on bargains till it comes to picking out a husband. If we were to be judged by the men we keep around our lives, it would surmount to one of the worst form of character assassination. We can be forgiven for our daftness in deciding on the feasibility of men as partners, then sliding to the old time favourite of labeling the male subspecies as “dogs” and whatever derogatory term we can conjure up at that moment. But while there is no golden rule as to how long he should take before speaking commitment, that is no excuse for getting chained in a relationship with no due date. If we have time deadlines for all our objectives, projects and delivery schedules, it is time we introduced the same in our relationships. If you do not know where that relationship is headed, please find out or get out while you can still salvage shreds of your heart and pride.
Since this came from a man, I say it has passed my objectivity test: “If a man is stable in life, in a relationship, but not married, then it is because he is not sure about the woman that he is with.” Ditch him, first and fast.
