FINDING YOURSELF

In one of the books I have read and loved recently, (A Jewel in His Crown: Rediscovering your Value as a Woman of Excellence) Priscilla Shirer in one of the chapters recounts of a tumultuous relationship with her long time boyfriend Kenneth. In diary style, she writes of the struggles of trying to maintain a relationship that is certainly not working.

Priscilla is totally in love with Kenneth and keeps on pressuring him for marriage. Kenneth noncommittally promises to marry her- after he has found himself first. She is ready to wait for him as long as he wants though she feels ready to marry him at that moment and wonders why they have to wait. What is he waiting for her to become that she isn’t now? She is even ready to marry him even though he will not love her as much as she would want him to. (Madness). In two years of dating, he breaks up with her almost every week for fights over one issue- marriage, and Priscilla, like a lost poodle goes with this emotional rollercoaster hoping that each time it will last. Two weeks to the day he is supposed to propose (they have finally given themselves a deadline), he finally tells her that he does not loves her anymore. Priscilla is off course devastated. But she has to learn to let go of the man on whom she had pegged her hopes and dreams, and trust God for her future with or without Kenneth. The reader may not be as surprised that she finally does not marry Kenneth. Throughout her entries, it is obvious to everyone but her that something is seriously wrong with this relationship.

What is so gripping about this story is that it mirrors so many of our lives though we will not always admit of the desperation that often marks our love lives. We are grappling with relationships that are, clear to everyone but us, not working. We are living with men who do not respect our choices or us and treat us accordingly. We are daily making unwise choices without considering the effect they have on our present and future. It is the reason a woman will live with a man till he batters her to the grave. And the reason she will entertain his sleeping around until it also kills her. Or like Priscilla, we leave our hearts and emotions out in the open, to be trampled by anyone who cares. Reason? We do not value ourselves. Consequently we hook up with men who do not, cannot value us.

Priscilla puts is as thus: “Why did I continue to hang onto Kenneth so desperately? Why didn’t I seem to care whether or not the man I loved valued me as a priceless ruby? In retrospect, the answer is simple: I did not value myself highly enough to recognise that I deserved the kind of love a Christian man is supposed to have for a woman. Ken wasn’t even capable of loving me for six months straight. How could I have expected him to love me for a life time?”

Priscilla was settling for much less than she was worth. Because of the way Kenneth treated her, she came to view herself as thus- unworthy of a man’s love, replaceable, common as the grass. She downplayed her beauty, uniqueness, gifts and talents because one man did not acknowledge of them or treat her with dignity.

We so often make the same mistakes. We hang around the wrong kind of men who give us wrong tags and forever define us as thus. Resultantly we cannot see ourselves as anything else other than that. Have you ever noticed that if the man in your life calls you beautiful you feel beautiful and act beautiful? He calls you a tramp and treats you like one, and you cannot possibly understand why another man would see you as a queen. You feel like a tramp.

Self-discovery is among the most important things you will ever do as a woman. The moment you wait for your job, title, career, worse still your man to define you, you fall the risk of being thoroughly mishandled, and not just by a man. Of course you may be lucky to get a man (father, husband, friend) who sees you with the eyes of potential and lets you know it. Be grateful. But do not peg your life around that because when they are gone you will lose your identity. Find yourself.

The 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make: Finding your place in God’s Plan

BOOK REVIEW

The 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make: Finding your place in God’s Plan
Author: Pam Farrel
Paperback
256 pages
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Available: Most Christian Bookshops

Have you read or listened to those self help books and tapes, those ones that tell you that you can achieve anything; you are all powerful, the god of your universe; and six months later your self esteem is no better, just the opposite, because you have not achieved the results they promised?

In The Ten Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, author and motivation speaker Pam Farrel points out how every woman can be successful without being too hard on herself. Pam picks out the things that matter most to women, and the daily struggles they go through and applies God’s word to them, teaching women how to be authentic, be successful in each season, overcome obstacles, take good care of themselves, be daring and leave a legacy.

“The average woman today feels as though her life is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. There are lots of important pieces- she is even convinced there is a beautiful picture- but she is looking for the puzzle box lid because she is not sure where to start or what she is really aiming at,” she writes.

Her message is to the active woman who is frantically trying to balance all of life’s demands, trying to please those around her, but most of the time feeling as though she is always letting them down.
“Do you wonder if God is pleased with your life? Are you pleased with your life? Are you wondering, “Is this all there is to life?” Have you been pushing yourself headlong and are now wondering, “Why?” or “Was it worth it?” or may be you have just been drifting, doing the next thing that came along, and now you find yourself far downstream or off-course from the place you thought you’d be at this age or stage of life.”

And if you are wondering whether you are one of these women here are some pointers she gives:
•    Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the backseat of your car.
•    Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses
•    Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured Post-it Notes
•    You are excited when it is Saturday and you can wear sweats to work
•    You think half a day means living at five o’clock
•    You think it is more strategic to buy clean underwear and socks than try and find any in your kids rooms to wash
•    You think wining and whining should be used interchangeably
•    The purpose of make-up is so you can hide behind it
•    A bad hair day, a broken nail or a change in plans are the makings of a tragic epic suitable for a TV mini-series
•    Everything has to be approved by your girlfriend
•    Happiness to you is a goal or right

Much of what Pam shares is drawn from her experiences as a wife, mother to four sons and co-founder of Masterful Living, an organization that provides insights for personal relationships. The book is sprinkled with anecdotes most her own, that profoundly carry the message that every woman is precious in God’s eyes and that each woman should discover this value and live by it. Then she can gladly embrace God’s plan for her in confidence and stop drifting through life. The author emphasizes the need to tune out all the negative influences such as the fear of failure, fear of criticism and negative friends and instead concentrate on the truth of God’s word.
“ Because we all long for respect, we can fall into the false trap of looking in the wrong place for our affirmation. We cannot depend on our husband, children, friends, parents, or boss to give us the validation, affirmation and reassurance we are looking for. Even if we are surrounded by positive and affirming people, their words will help some, but they will still not fill the void in our hearts.”

The book has ten chapters, each expounding on the ten decisions. Each gives solid advice supported by scripture and then offers thought-provoking questions at the end. Each chapter is about 20 pages long, making it perfect for a time of reading each day. At the end of the book the author has presented a study guide and questions for those who want to study it in a small group.

In this book, readers will realise how precious they are to God, find a positive place to direct their creativity and energy, gain confidence regarding the value of their time and efforts, assess their strengths, weaknesses, skills and talents, and learn to stop pleasing people and start pleasing God.

Pam is the author of Fantastic After 40 and Woman of Influence and has co-authored with her husband Bill, other books such as Men are Like Waffles-Women are Like Spaghetti, The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make, Every Marriage Is a Fixer-Upper and Red-Hot Monogamy.

sometimes love aint enough

A song that was a hit in the late 1990’s had a line that I loved: “ Baby sometimes love aint enough.” That line summed up so much, some of what many people venturing in relationships forget. When the gooey feeling is all over you and your eyes light up at her sight, when your every waking moment is filled with his thoughts and the mere mention of his name gives you palpitations, then it is easy to think you got it all worked out. Because you love each other, all mountains will be climbed, all hills levelled, yeah?

A big mistake we often make. The cases we have seen or heard of people who truly and genuinely love each other, yet can’t stop fighting or hurting each other, are many. Same case as people who believe they love each other but who will swear they will never get married to each other because there is no way they could survive with each other. The point- there is more that makes a marriage or relationship work than just deep hormone-instilled affection.

The problem would then have to do with love itself or our definition of it. However, since essentially there is nothing wrong with love in itself (I am actually a firm believer in the Biblical verse that says that love conquers all), the problem has to do with how we define what love is in our contemporary culture.

Various philosophers, writers and psychologists have defined different forms of love. There is eros, the romantic, sexual love; philia, the love of companionship and friendship; agape, the self giving love that goes on giving even when the other becomes unlovable, often paralleled to the unconditional love of God.

The problem that many people make is depending on the romantic attraction they have for their partner to determine the direction of a relationship. Romance is simply about feelings- how I see you and how that makes me react. Such feelings in themselves depend on our perceptions and circumstances and are very fickle. They are the ones that will initially bring you together but they will never form the basis for building a strong and meaningful relationship since we cannot always influence how others perceive us, or the circumstances under which they do that. Such a love gives rise to such statements as: “I no longer love him,” “I do not feel the same way about him anymore,” or “ I am in love with another woman.” Love did not die. The feelings died. The feeling of “being in love” evaporated because something that had prompted it changed.

In order for your love to last longer, beyond the dry patches when she is no longer as beautiful as you once saw her, or when even the financial charm you saw in him has been soured by his temper, then all three types of love need to intentionally co-exist. You have to work at actively incorporating all three in your relationship.

Bursting the myths we carry around about attraction and love, Dean Sherman, author of Love, Sex and Relationships points out that romantic love is usually single in focus and under the control of the participant. “ Have you ever noticed that you are not romantically attracted to five people at the same time? Sometimes you might be attracted to a couple of people for a very short time but the tussle in your heart doesn’t last long and one person emerges as the one you are interested in,” he writes.
The fact that romantic attraction is under the control of the participant means that attractions are not beyond our control. As he writes, “ You do not have to be in love with anybody. This notion that love is something that hits us is a lie.”
Sherman though adds that the romantic attraction is directed, not initiated, by our will. What we have to do is decide whether or not to pursue the object of our affection.

The flip side of that is that we do not have to fall out of love. Sherman insists that love is not an “it” that we fall into and which can leave us any time. “There are times in most romantic relationships when we will have to remind ourselves to stay in love with the person we have chosen. Feelings come and go. Sometimes we can feel head over heels about our spouse, and other times everything seems dull. But if we stay committed through the dull times, the feelings of love return,” he writes.

Such is the time that philia and agape love play the biggest role in holding the relationship intact. Phileo love is about friendship and partnering. It is the thing that you see in another person that draws you to be their friend. But even this can fade as it depends on characteristics we like in our partners, which bind us together. Agape and philia flourish the eros.

Agape love comes out as most key kind of loving you will ever give your partner, primarily because you will love them even when they do not deserve it. This love will not give ultimatums and conditions because it is generated by a greater cause, that of wanting the best for the other person no matter the personal cost. This kind of love does not just happen. You make it happen. Loving becomes a personal act commitment, of being sympathetic and thoughtful, of giving with no thought of receiving. The difficult part is that agape loving is not easy and goes against the whole grain of our essence. Human beings by their very nature are selfish. It takes another strength to put another human being’s needs and happiness above your own. That is not to say it cannot be done. In fact that is the only hope you have for a lasting, meaningful relationship and marriage.

TURNING ON THE WATERWORKS

A lot of people, and particularly the press, have been overly fascinated with Hillary Clinton’s moist-eyed moments on the campaign trail, especially her tear-eyed face in January when she was faced with the prospect of losing New Hampshire to Obama. Immediately after the primary analysts flocked to the talk shows to debate whether or not the tears could possibly have been real. One man wrote, “Man or woman, it scares me to think that if the pressure of losing a state is going to make her cry, what’ll she do when we’re in danger of losing our future?”

This man (had to be) like so many other people considers tears the greatest sign of weakness a man or a woman can ever show. American business magnate, author, editor and homemaking advocate Martha Stewart in her NBC Apprentice television show said this to a female contestant who said she felt like crying after her team lost a flower-selling contest
“Cry and you are out of here,” Ms. Stewart said. “Women in business don’t cry, my dear.”

Tears are frowned upon so badly in some of our African cultures that a sniffling, whimpering man will be told off as a sissy. But while we gladly accept that it is not interesting for a would-be president of the United States to break down into tears in front of the world, or for a company CEO to rush out of a high profile meeting in sobs, it is an established fact that women cry a lot, much more than men. And the tears are as varied as the reasons. Sometimes they will be little sniffles behind mops of tissue, other times they are bucket loads and rivers, other times just a little misty eyed moment especially after something they consider “sweet”, happens.
A little boy asked his mother why she was crying. She replied, “Because I am a woman.” “I do not understand,” he said. His mom just hugged him and said, “and you never will.” When the boy asked the father the same question, all the dad could say was, “ all women cry for no reason.”

May be he was right. Women cry when they are happy and when they are sad. When they are tired and when they are overcome with joy. They will cry at a friend’s wedding, at a baby shower, at a funeral, because a project went bad, because a colleague told them off, because they broke a heel, and other times, just because they feel like a good cry. Look at this excerpt from a poem I came across that explains why women cry:

We cry because our toe hurts
We cry because our friends hurt
We cry because of our heart hurt by the ones we love the most
We cry because we are mensing and our hormones are in charge
We cry because our butt is small… or is it way too large???

We cry because our parents tried to tell us what they knew
We cry because we didn’t listen now life tells us what to do
We cry because we’re parents now and want to give our children more
We cry because our children have no clue of what’s in store

We cry because we don’t know why
And sometimes we don’t care
We cry because God says we can and He put those feelings there…

More specifically, here are the reasons why women cry:

Genuine emotion
Anger, frustration, stress, happiness, sadness, beauty, all will make us turn on the water works. That is why we love those chick flicks that make us go “wuuuiye” and “wow.” Pretty Woman, A Walk to Remember and The Notebook fall in that list.
And that is why a motorist splashing mud all over her on a Monday morning will send her to sobs. Men will hardly cry because they are angry. The good part about having a good cry is that you feel better after it. A lot of women confess to feeling less stressed or frustrated after a crying bout. It released the pressure on the mind and heart that can be numbing.  Does it have anything to do with why women live longer?

The greatest cause for tears especially at the work place, according to findings of Psychology graduate Yasmine Yaghmour, is the feeling of helplessness, lack of control over work and unfair treatment. Many women remember crying or wanting to cry at some point in their careers, especially when they were starting out. The study showed that emotional displays by women at work tended to be in response to situations of power, control and justice.
Ms Yaghmour said, “Women feel embarrassed and ashamed when they succumb to tears at work for fear of appearing weak or incompetent to colleagues or customers, they feel it reinforces a negative female stereotype.”

At such times, what a woman needs is to feel heard, understood and supported.
NB: If you feel the tears coming up during a talk with your partners, clients, bosses or colleagues, put on your sunglasses, excuse yourself and go mop in the toilet. Most people, even the women, will not view the tears in your favour. It is seen as unprofessional and a sign of weakness or irrationality. You do not want that marring your career.

Hormones
Whether it is adolescence, PMS, pregnancy, post-partum depression (baby blues), menopause or just being a woman, hormones have a way of wreaking havoc in a woman’s life. Once in a while we will just find we are working ourselves into a melancholy mood for a good long cry just because we feel like it. Call it marinating in our hormones but like the poem says, that is the way God made us. . Better out than in. Caution me; the worst thing you can do at such a time is slight her tears, unless you can deal with the wrath that will follow.

Manipulation
Here is a headline appearing on the daily mail of 6th February 2008: Tears are every woman’s most powerful and manipulative weapon, but can Hillary weep her way to the White House?
“Women’s weapons, water-drops,” said Shakespeare’s King Lear, later echoed by Spencer Tracy in Adam’s Rib: “A few female tears, stronger than any acid.”
From a young age, women have learnt that even the strongest of men will baulk at the sight of tears. One condom advert had a baby screaming in a supermarket for sweets. This had the dad so embarrassed, he bought the sweets. But the little kid had learnt the art of manipulation. Who says when they grow up they will have any qualms on trying the same tactics on a boyfriend, a boss or a traffic cop?

That is not to say men do not cry. They will certainly tear up after a Manchester United loses to Chelsea at home. And at the end of the movie Gladiator when Maximus dies, with his honour intact. Or during the movie Brian’s Song, when Gayle Sayres says, “I love Brian Piccolo and I’d like all of you to love him too. And so, tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him”. They will also bawl at their mother’s funeral or a friend’s sick bed and once in a while, because some girl broke their heart.  But you are unlikely to find a man rushing out of an exam room in tears because they are afraid they will fail, or running to the washrooms because the boss was rude.

Apart from the cultural connotations associated with tears, it has been found that there are physical and hormonal reasons that make women more prone to breaking down into torrents. Researcher William Frey says that girls and boys cry about the same amount of times until they reach age twelve. By the time they are eighteen, women cry on average four times more than men. The hormone Prolactin present in the mammary glands and responsible for lactation is also found in the blood and in tear glands. Boys and girls have the same level of Prolactin until age twelve when the amount in girls gradually rises. By the time they are eighteen, they have sixty percent more than boys.

Men’s and women’s tear glands are also anatomically different, as are the tears. Women’s tear ducts are shaped a little differently from men’s, which could be either a cause or an effect of increased crying [Source: New York Times]. Dr Frey’s research also shows that when men cry, their tears do not give away as opposed to women whose crying episodes involve runaway tears down the cheeks probably confirming the joke you will often hear from men, “We cry inwards.”

Depressed people may cry four times as much as people who are not depressed. According to Psychology Today two-thirds of people diagnosed with depression are women.

Like Carol Sarler the writer of the Daily Mail article, Hillary or any other woman should not hide their tears no matter how plaintive the indignation of men or the feminists is. We cry because God says we can and He put those feelings there…

Naming the diva

Naming the diva

Prominent women define “having it all” and give examples of those among them they think fit in that definition and why

Ever since the birth of the feminist movement, women have fought for their turf. They have to a larger extent fought successfully for equal pay, employment rights, equal treatment and more. Today, the woman is not only at par with the alternative gender, but is in some instances steps ahead.
As a result, women have come to define their lot in terms of “has it all” and “going there”. Some women are christened “diva” (as derived from the Italian word ‘diva’ meaning “goddess” or “fine lady”) while others are hardly spoken about. And even among the young, there is that insatiable desire to make it in life. Some young lady is always busy reading a “how to…”, “10 ways to…”, “15 reasons why…” book and websites at one time or another, and shaping their lives according to a certain “model” of  whom they think “has it all”.
We are always trying to reach greater heights in our emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, career and financial spheres. But then, what is the “it” that we are always trying to reach? Is it achievable? How? Does it even exist or are we just chasing a phantom?
We spoke with a few women, some of whom are thought to have it all, others who know they have it all, and others that are still reaching out for “it”, to find out what their views on “having it all” are.

Ms Esther Arunga
KTN News Anchor

“I do not think there is a universal description of a woman who has it all. It varies from woman to woman. For example, Oprah Winfrey may consider herself as having it all, but someone will argue she doesn’t just because she does not have a husband and children. A housewife may believe she has it all because she has a loving husband, great kids and a beautiful home, but a career woman may believe the housewife doesn’t because she does not make her own money. It depends on a woman’s personal goals and ambitions.
“A woman who has it all has achieved her major goals and ambitions. From the outside looking in, the only way one can gauge whether another woman has it all is whether the woman looks content and happy – genuinely happy with her life, that is, not looking like she has just settled with what she has. Though such women may be sobbing into their pillows all night long, in public, they look content. They don’t pull ridiculous stunts for attention purposes (read, Britney Spears), they are doing what they love to do.
Names: Despite her yo-yo weight issues, to me, Oprah Winfrey has it all.
What holds women back: The society’s gross- underestimation of the female potential, capacity and ability.”

Ms Anastanzia Wakesho (Stacey)
Chair, Domestic Tourism Council of Kenya

Pic By Martin Mukangu

“A woman who has it all is courageous, able to fight it out in a male dominated field, selfless and brave.
Names: Ms Esther Passaris and myself.
What holds women back: Fear of the unknown. Everybody is able to be such a woman. But understand that you do not succeed alone. You need someone or some power backing you up. For me it is my belief in God.”

Amina Abdallah

Kanu Nominated MP

“A woman who has it all? (Thinks) Is there one? If you have chumms (money) you don’t have a spouse, if you have a spouse, he is beating you up…

I would say she has to be financially independent, be in emotionally benefiting relationships, have a balanced family and be spiritually okay. There is never perfection in anything.

Names: Mama Nyiva Mwendwa and the MD of Skynet Express, Ms Jane Babsa. These are people who are rich enough in their heart, have confidence in their achievements and they wish good for others.
What holds women back: Poor education, fear and cultures that discourage women. If you are not fearful you will work around issues even when culture discourages you.”

Mrs Joyce Kibet

Life skills coach and motivational speaker with Lady Appeal
“She has her life goals, is on target about meeting them and is seeking balance. Most women look for satisfaction. They should seek to balance things in their lives rather than seeking to satisfy everything. When you try to have it all, you end up frustrated. She may not have accomplished everything but is on track getting there.
Names: Can’t think of any at the moment.

What holds women back: Situations outside of themselves – most women have more hurdles to jump than men. Then within them there are fears; they look down upon themselves.
Women are also emotionally oriented rather than reason oriented. This may not always work for them.
When we see a woman who has achieved, we forget where they have come from. We need to find out what they have been through to arrive there. It takes a lot of perseverance. If we persevere we can have it all. Our problem is that we want it now.”

Ms Njoki Ndung’u

Former legislator, lawyer, gender activist

“I don’t have it all. It is all a balancing act. A woman who has it all has to be fulfilled a) at a personal level, b) at a global level.

At a personal level, she has to be fulfilled mentally, physically and spiritually. Her mind, soul and body need to be fulfilled.

At a global level, this is how she relates with her environment, how people around her live. She avoids negative karma and engages the positive. I do not like staying around negative people. They have walls of darkness about them – envy, jealousy…
There is goodness in helping other people succeed.
She needs to be financially independent and have a stable family.

Names: Muthoni Likimani. She was able to achieve so much when the glass ceiling was not open for women, and she is generous.

Gina Din. She has personality and is gracious.
Rahab Karoki  (a friend). She has worked so hard to get where she is now.
Esther Passaris
What holds women back: Unequal status in society. Women are treated as second-class citizens. The culture and the legal framework, discriminates against the woman.”

Ms Esther Passaris
Businesswoman, former MD of Adopt-A-Light and founder of One in a Million
“When a woman has it all, she knows that when she dies today, everything will be the same. Kenya is unsettled and poverty is at its highest rate. We are a nation of consumers where there is stagnant infrastructure and little investment. You cannot say you have it all and ignore your surroundings.
Having it all involves job satisfaction, having a healthy family, resources to spend, a country that is where it should be and progressing and being aware of poverty and problems that surround us.
A woman who has it all should be at peace with herself as child of God, be a part of the solution to the problems, have qualities that make her Creator happy, doesn’t live a lie and should have a good set of values to live by.
She should be in balanced relationships, have children, be financially stable, live in a safe environment and be happy with the community/country progression.
Life is made of eight legs:
1.    Financial wellbeing- No.6
2.    Family (love and commitment)- No.1
3.    Spiritual wellbeing- No.3
4.    Educational background- No.4
5.    Productivity- No.5
6.    Neighbours- No.7
7.    Country- No.8
8.    Security (emotional and physical well being)- No.2
It is impossible to have it all because life wasn’t made to be perfect. But it is possible to capture many precious moments.
A person who has it all is the one who does the best with what they have.
In 2002, I thought I had it all. In 2008, I feel I don’t. And it is not because of losing the mayoral election. It is because our country is in such a mess.
At some point in life you have it all, other times you do not. You have it all when you compare yourself with the worst, when you have more happy moments than sad ones, depending with how you deal with the positive than the negative.
Names: The last Mother Theresa, Wangari Maathai, the late Princess Diana. Diana – her charity, marriage and birth. Oprah Winfrey – she has dealt with rape, is rich, has a steady boyfriend, is comfortable with herself and is touching so many lives.

Fast-tracked maturity

It is interesting how at 16 years, a girl cannot wait to grow up. At that stage of life, all she wants to do is get out of her parent’s/guardian’s/teacher’s box and have them respect her for who she feels she is, no matter how fickle that self-image is.

The problem that we make is that we end up growing up too fast before our time. We later realise we missed out on so much and the urge then is to either get frozen in time or try to go back. Many of us do, not without consequences. A common scenario may be an old woman who is unable to gracefully let go of youth. She continues to scramble for kiddie clothes and younger men to maintain that feeling.

One girl whose name I will omit just did that, to the consternation and maybe trauma of many. At the age of 16, she decided she was too in love to live without her boyfriend. She hurriedly did her class eight exams –performed not too well, if I may add- and in the same huff, moved in with her boyfriend. Less than nine months later, she was a mother, wife and well looking it.

What is so wrong with that? A lot. But I would have forgiven it had she stuck with it. But five years later (I am surprised it took so long), she finally ditched the family and went back to her mama’s house. Her husband has already cheated on her enough times, even had had a child with another girl. At 21, she already knew the trauma of a broken marriage and was now a single mother of a five year old. She could counsel you on bringing up a toddler, living with a stepchild, handling mother-in-law spurts, dealing with a cheating and abusive spouse, all from experience. Talk of growing up before your time!

The last time I saw her, she had slowly started reclaiming her youth, and though still a beautiful girl, you could see the lessons of the years in her eyes. I hope she will dump her pride and go back to school. But even if she doesn’t, I am sure the lesson nature taught has not been wasted on her.

“Do not hurry up life,” wisdom I wish she would have listened to. It reminds me of an email I received along time ago about the way we cannot wait to progress to the next stage in life- we can’t wait to go to school, move to the next grade, finish high school, go to college, graduate, start dating, get engaged, marry, have kids, see them start school, graduate, move out- the suddenly it hits us: we have grown old, are bound for the grave and we were in such a hurry to go to the next phase in life we forgot to live.

Life really is too short to waste doing all the wrong things. But then again, that is the only way many of us seem to learn. Another naïve girl told me the other day that she would be a fool to keep on repeating the mistakes others have done in the past. She should be able to learn from them and if she has to mess up, then it would have to be in an undiscovered territory. Save from pointing that no mistake has yet not been done by man, I reminded her that knowing the right thing to do does not necessarily stop you from doing the wrong thing, even when the consequences are staring you in the face. Often the thrill of the moment is just too great, you do not really care you are making the same mistakes others have made for ages before you.

This will not necessarily impel you to make better decisions. Our words of caution to the young wife hit brick walls. May be she did not see how we could possibly understand how in love they were, how perfect they were for each other and how ready she was for the path she had undertaken. May be she did, and still dared to take the risk. I might never know. I hope like girl no.2, we really do not have to learn from the school of hard knocks. One story of a girl in Argentina who even after giving birth to four kids by age fifteen and the local authorities moving to give her land and a house, still went ahead to get triplets a year later. At 16, she is a mother of seven. For her even experience quite lost its lesson on her.

The Perfect man

Women love shopping. OK. Most women thrive on shopping. And why not- even experts say shopping is therapeutic. When it comes to shopping, most women will have come across and biblically follow the adage, ‘if it doesn’t fit, don’t buy’, some advice that has saved them ending up with pieces they cannot wear a month later. The difficult part comes when the same wisdom is applied to their search for partners, resulting in tragic results and conclusions- women are impossible to please.

There is an Internet joke about a store that has husbands for sale. The store has six floors and the attributes of the men increase as a shopper ascends the flights. By the time the shopper is on the fifth floor, the deal is already too good. The men there have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. One particular shopper goes on to the sixth floor and there finds a sign that reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

The bit about women being impossible to please- I don’t know, but one thing I know is that if such a store exists, then all the women who have walked on this planet would have gone through there at one point of their lives, shopping list in hand, with the majority finding themselves on the sixth floor, and still hoping to find that perfect man who fills their dream.
Forget women’s fascination with the bad-boy-cum-jerk phenomenon. Deep inside, all women are longing for that man who will treat them like the queens they believe they are, and any man who even comes close to such a description will find himself in very high demand.

But do perfect men exist? At 29, and still single, Rosemary is a wiser woman than she was a few years ago. She has been searching for Mr. Right, and so far he seems not to be in Kenya. There is a story of a man who went all over the world searching for Mrs. Right. When he finally found the woman who perfectly fit the description he was looking for, she told him that she was also out searching for Mr. Right and it sure wasn’t him.

We all have ideals of the kind of partners we think we need. Women in particular have been known to go through their search for lifetime partners armed with a shopping list of ‘have to’ and ‘absolutely not’ characteristics. Funny, financially stable, five feet tall, dark and handsome… Some, have, amidst the rubble, unearthed their gem. Many women will testify to having kissed enough frogs hoping that hidden beneath was the prince who would match them to the sunset, only to discover that WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) is not just for desktop publishing. It can also apply to men.

Not every woman will be lucky to find the man who maps her childhood mental beau. And even when she is ready to give him time to grow up and style up under her tutelage, many realize that a man may not be that ready to be molded and adapted into whatever shape she wants him to. That does not mean that there are no men who will be forever grateful for the role the women in their lives have played to transform them (and their houses) from the resulting state due to bachelorhood.

Ditching a list though does not mean giving up any standards and facing life with an empty slate and open mind. Wisdom tells that if you do not know what you want, then when it comes you will not recognize it and you will settle for anything. It rather means being open to the mysterious, unpredictable nature of love. A list may more than often hold you being a self-preservation tool, knowing full well no one will ever fulfill it.

So what is so wrong with settling for nothing but the best? We cannot begrudge these women, who often have had experiences of being shortchanged on what they got at the end of their wedding night, or whatever variation we have made of that.
“I always had too much faith in men but they always disappointed me. I am yet to meet a man who makes me happy. I am starting to think he does not exist,” says Rosemary.

We can try and understand their plight as they search of the perfect man, only too discover that he will never come with all the trappings you need him to and even when he does, often the packaging is all so wrong you may fail to recognise him. It is only those who have the patience to scour beneath the mismatched clothes, the nose-mining fingers, loud belching, the funny accent, the weird hairstyle and body odour problem, who may brandish their had earned trophy of frog-turned prince.

As the passionate pursuit for the beau to sweep her off her feet intensifies, more women realize that they have run full circle, have reached that stage when age is approximated- downwards, and are still to find their nest to roost. May be this should be the time women should get back to themselves and gauge how they rate as partners before they can rate others.

This though is not to discourage all those women who are armed with a list of ‘have-to’ and ‘absolutely-not’ characteristics of the man who will keep them warm in old age (if it lasts that long).
The sad fact at the end of the day is that perfect men never existed and if they did, they went extinct a number of millennia ago.
“I realized men will never be exactly how I want them. And neither will I be what they want. It is about being patient with him and him with you,” says Rosemary.

For even when you think you found him, you will find that he comes more in raw material form, and it is only hard work and persistent belief and faith in him that will give you what you have been searching for. Perfection does not create a perfect bond, love does. And the fun is not in getting there, it is in the journey of growth and transformation for the two of you.

What do women really want?

“Men with overdeveloped cerebral cortexes look down from their corner offices and wonder why women go for losers.” Anon.

Sylvester could not understand what had just happened. His three-year old girlfriend had just ditched him to marry what he called “a guitar playing jobless man.” Sylvester thought he had it all. A good job, owned a house, a good family background, above average looks- what else would one want? His friends tried to appease him, but he knew as much as he wanted to call his girlfriend’s new beau a loser, he was the loser here. He could not keep (or figure out) his girl. If all his woman magnets could not work, then what would?

I wish I could answer his question- what do women really want? Maybe then I could help create a whole new category in the Nobel awards for outstanding contribution to the field of Opposite Sex.

Knowing what women want would have to begin with understanding women, and I am sure you are now laughing. Whoever can understand women? Do they even understand themselves? Like the joke goes, the only man who ever figured out women laughed so hard, he died before he could tell anyone what he found out.

Before you throw your hands in the air, know that women will rate you on how well you get along with them. You could be among the lucky ones who freestyle and somehow get out on the deep end but basically, to get along with women, you’ve got to figure them out first. The funny bit is that the subspecies that prides itself in its complexity may not be that complex after all.

Of course life would be so much easier if everyone got out of their boxes and outright said what it is they wanted. But it is hard to imagine that a woman would speak directly or say exactly what is in her mind. She more often expects you to read the emotional subtext in her words and figure out what her yes really means. Or what a sentence left pending implies.
Does her yes mean I agree or it is just a gimmick to get you to shut up? Does her headache really mean her head is throbbing or it is an excuse-or is it induced? If men were more keen on this front, they could have saved themselves getting stood up on dates or being caught in surprise fights where they are wondering what they did wrong.
It is sad that women sometimes say no when they mean yes. It reminds me of a programme running in one of the TV stations, “Games people play.” Hers could be a game to test your resilience, push you away or to help her decide what she really wants. I wish everyone would stop playing games. But that is like wishing the sun away. So I guess the only way there is to keep your antennae up for all verbal and non-verbal cues to avoid some unpleasant scenes and time wastage.

To truly understand anyone, you have got to be really interested in them. That means going out of your way to listen, spend time with, enjoy being with… Hopefully that way you can understand how women talk, think, react, the works. First, you need to get rid of the mindset that women are impossible to figure out. A bit difficult maybe but totally workable. Two, understand that they will at times be at the mercy of hormones but that is part of their beauty- and the bargain. Three, women’s needs are as varied as they come so generalities will not always work.

All these will mean hanging around women quite a bit. And trust me- they can be fun. Disclaimer here though: this does not guarantee you will figure it out. Boys who grew up around so many sisters do not find women less of a riddle- neither do couples who have been married for decades.

All the same, women like equality, kindness, support, trust and love. Anything with those overtones will intrinsically appeal to their inner person.
It therefore goes then without saying that as a man, learning to make every woman you encounter (mother-in-law, cleaning woman, your boss, mama mboga) feel good about herself automatically helps you score higher on the women list. It is known as being charming and if done genuinely, it will work wonders no matter her age or role in your life.
Lorna agrees that women highly value treatment and romance.
“No woman wants a man who treats her like trash. She wants to feel precious, like a valueless asset,” she says.

Earning a woman’s trust is key. Someone paralleled it to the relationship with your banker- if she has decided not to go out on a date with you, being friendly isn’t going to change her mind the same way being friendly to your banker will not make him give you a loan.

Mrs Wangui Kibet of Lady appeal confirms that: “ A man who is not able to keep his word is not found attractive by a woman. She knows she will get hurt.”

“Ladies also want a man who is courageous and protective. She needs to know you can stand up for her,” continues Wangui.  Can that explain women’s fascination with six packs and biceps? But it goes back to the issue of trust- he can be counted on.

With all the stories on gold digging, men may think that a fat wallet spells sexy. Granted. Some money is good. A lot of money is very good. But if money really factored, Bill Gates would be the sexiest man on earth. So before you invest your all in all trying to impress her, know that women’s brains are not hardwired to appreciate money, the same way they do with the above characteristics. When it comes to conflict, love is more likely to win than money.

The best part is that this list is far from full. It just gives you enough leeway to create small talk with the women folk trying to figure out what they really want and meanwhile practice your charm on them.

He says, she says

___Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.  ~Harlan Miller

The place of communication in relationships has been overemphasized to the point where most of what goes wrong in relationships, is attributed to poor communication. Couples are advised that if only they learnt how to get across what they mean, then their relationship would get off the rocks. What someone forgot to say is that good communication can actually break apart relationships. Like psychologist and CEO Richard Farson once said, communication has its limits. Because many supposed communication problems are actually balance-of-power problems, he argued that it is only when the balance of power is relatively equal that truly candid communication can and should take place. That means that unless you are sure that you are both tuned to the same wavelength, do not say anything.

A myth men choose to work with is on women’s superior communication agility. Women it is said, speak double (even thrice has been floated) the amount of words men speak, do it faster, and always ensure they have the last word in an argument. Anything the man says after that will be the beginning of another argument. Combine that with a smart alecky tongue and you have a recipe for disaster. Although that has been proven to be a myth, the fallacy continues because we all need someone to blame. For information sake, psychologists Matthias Mehl and his team from the University of Arizona found that women speak a little more than 16,000 words a day while men speak a little less than 16,000 words. That difference is not statistically significant to warrant crucifying either sex. But the crass jokes will not stop.
I attended a certain meeting and the guys were discussing what they wanted in their woman. One man said he wanted a woman who doesn’t talk much. The girls got defensive and tried to rephrase the words, “What you are saying is that you want a girl who will not nag you. Yeah?”
The guy suddenly lost for meaning turned to the rest of the men for help. One decided to help articulate what his friend had been trying to say.
“ No. We hate it when you nag. But we also hate it when you talk too much. A man wants to come home and find some peace, not a chatter box.”
Point gotten home, the discussion moved on to other areas but I could not stop wondering whatever was wrong with talking.
Mehl tried to explain it:
“The typical scenario is — a man comes home from work at night, has used 6,850 words and with 150 left over just wants to relax and not talk. And the woman welcomes the husband with about 7,856 words left over. And that’s where all the problems start. She wants to talk when you want her to listen.” His explanation though does not explain why the ladies words are that many, unless she stays at home or does not talk at work.
But we are all guilty of unleashing “communication firecrackers” that light fires or fan already raging ones. Words are a very powerful tool but when we used badly, they break rather than build up a relationship.
The first culprit is criticism. Some people have made it their life ambition to notice everything their partners do wrong, then to point it out. After a day out being bashed by the world, everyone wants to go home and find healing arms, not another bashing. While partners need to keep each other in check, it is also up to them to be their partners greatest encouragers. Do not put your partner down. And a nice quote here, “Never tell a woman that she’s ugly, stupid, short, or fat. Not even when you’re joking!”

Nagging has been classed as women’s greatest misdemeanour.  Of course when a man says his woman is nagging, he has his own definitions of the word. But the general agreement is that saying it once is good enough. One reminder can also pass. After that, just skip it. But one should remember to tell him “I told you” when something goes wrong as a result. And if it is about his health, please nag. He knows you mean well.

Bursting another myth, men gossip as much as women. The only difference is what they talk about and the way they do it. It is advisable though to spare the home from serving as the theatre for character assassination.

To repeat a cliché, just because you thought of it, you don’t have to mouth it. Threats, name calling, giving orders, blaming, exaggerations, and more nagging, fall in this category. It does not help a relationship when one partner threatens to leave every time the other does something that drives them up the wall. And even though he/she has done it 20 times in the last one month alone, that does not amount to “always.” And their forgetting what you need three times in a week does not equal “never.”

Some people, blame the hoods they grew up in, seem to be running a database for rotten.com as they seem to release the world’s best (worst) insults with seemingly no effort. When it comes to partners and their actions, it might be hard to separate the “that was so stupid” from “you are so stupid.” The rule applies here, if you would not rather hear it said to you, do not say it no matter how true and obvious it is.

Ladies here, unless you married a military man, most men do not take well to taking orders. That is why the “wuuiyes” still hold their magic. A well-voiced plea is hard to ignore.

But while words can act as daggers, so can silence.  Silent treatment may get one what they wanted in the short term but its longterm effects may kill a relationship. This usually cuts cross-sectionally. Women’s silence is a battle tool. A man’s silence is –well, natural. But men, yeah, women need to talk. That is how they relate. They share problems to connect emotionally not necessarily because they need a solution. And when she finally listens to you, let it not be a lecture. It is booooooooooring and her nods and grunts are just, being polite.

The key is not in holding our silence or talking. It is making sure that we are communicating in a meaningful and positive way even if we would rather have our hands around their necks- throttling them. Like Farson said, the challenge is in maintaining the balance of power, otherwise one partner will always feel they are being talked down to, being given orders, or they have to revert to nagging and manipulation to get their way.

Dating Double Standards

Recently Daniel promised to shock us with his choice of the girl he would marry.
“You will all be surprised. She will be the last thing you would have expected. Some of you will come to ask me if I am sure I ma doing the right thing,” he said grinning in his characteristic manner.
The reason why he knew his choice would shock us was that Daniel loves his girls dazzling and flashy. The more outrageous and stunning the better. The surprise he had in store for us was that he intended to marry the exact opposite of that kind of a woman.
“There are girlfriends and there are wives. Those girls who hung around me will never make me a wife,” a seemingly wiser Daniel said.

I was naturally amused. Not by the kind of girl he was next going to introduce to me as his belle, but by the logic. May be if I could crack that I could help a lot of women who were wondering what the heck they were doing wrong when it came hitching a man for life as they always seemed to be side stepped for another woman they felt was no competition. Did men really date different kind of women and marry a different kind?

The next person I talked to, Kipchumba though could not agree with Maina. He had no intention of dating a girl he could not marry.
“Whenever I date a girl, it is because in her I see a woman I would want to settle down with. It might not work out of course but if it does, then we will marry.”
Consequently all pat relationships ended up with serious heartbreaks- his.
“I get into the relationship genuinely, with the future in mind. But most of the girls are just there for a good ride.”
He all the same agrees that many men take out girls for prestige or entertainment but look for different characteristics when they want to settle down.
“When you think of a wife, you think of the mother to your children and the woman you want to introduce to your mother. Some of those girls would never make a mother.”

Kiarie a married man says that it is common for young men to date for show before they think of settling down.
“Most career men do not think of marrying until they are over thirty. He wouldn’t want to meet a girl who will pressure him for marriage before he is ready. He therefore stays around girls he knows he cannot marry.”
That is what he did when it came to time to marry.
“Most of my girl friends were former college mates. We had done trash together and the bad I knew about them was more than the good. People tell me I went to church to look for a wife. The truth is I found my kind of girl in church.”

Manga agrees with Kiarie’s school of thought but insists that the decision is more between looks and character.
“Girlfriends are for show, to parade around. As I walk on the streets I see so many beautiful women. But I tell myself that they might not have a character to sustain it.”
He believes that character is the greatest determinant for a wife.
“A wife does not have to look beautiful. The physique is temporal. Anything can happen to that body that I adore. Character is key. Most times beauty of character and beauty of the body will not come together.”
Doesn’t he care for a beautiful woman of style? “It is amazing what the right clothes and make-up can do to a woman. She may not have much going for her physically but we can work on that easily.”
His argument is that the style is easier to work on where there is substance than the other way round.
“Seven times out of ten, style and substance will not go together. Once a chick knows that she is ok physically, she knows men will come trooping around her so she does not have to work so hard on the rest. You do not want a chick who feels so hot she thinks she is God’s gift to men,” Manga says.
Would he date one kind of girl and marry another kind?
“No. I do not want to waste my emotions and money on a girl I have no intention of marrying”.

John T. Molloy, author of the book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others published in 2003 says that the double standards are very real. More than 80 percent of the men he interviewed said that the women they were going to marry were the kind of women they would be proud to introduce to family and friends. According to them, women are divided into two categories: beddable and weddable. “Men still marry ‘good girls,’” says Molloy. “They probably won’t marry a girl who sleeps with them on the first date or two.”

OTHER INFO
Molloy advices women who want to marry fast to only date the marrying kind.

• Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry.

• Men often marry women whose backgrounds- religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status- match theirs.

• Men who have their own places and have lived as independent, self-supporting adults are more likely to marry.

• Most men think sowing their wild oats is a rite of passage and will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years.