He says, she says

___Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.  ~Harlan Miller

The place of communication in relationships has been overemphasized to the point where most of what goes wrong in relationships, is attributed to poor communication. Couples are advised that if only they learnt how to get across what they mean, then their relationship would get off the rocks. What someone forgot to say is that good communication can actually break apart relationships. Like psychologist and CEO Richard Farson once said, communication has its limits. Because many supposed communication problems are actually balance-of-power problems, he argued that it is only when the balance of power is relatively equal that truly candid communication can and should take place. That means that unless you are sure that you are both tuned to the same wavelength, do not say anything.

A myth men choose to work with is on women’s superior communication agility. Women it is said, speak double (even thrice has been floated) the amount of words men speak, do it faster, and always ensure they have the last word in an argument. Anything the man says after that will be the beginning of another argument. Combine that with a smart alecky tongue and you have a recipe for disaster. Although that has been proven to be a myth, the fallacy continues because we all need someone to blame. For information sake, psychologists Matthias Mehl and his team from the University of Arizona found that women speak a little more than 16,000 words a day while men speak a little less than 16,000 words. That difference is not statistically significant to warrant crucifying either sex. But the crass jokes will not stop.
I attended a certain meeting and the guys were discussing what they wanted in their woman. One man said he wanted a woman who doesn’t talk much. The girls got defensive and tried to rephrase the words, “What you are saying is that you want a girl who will not nag you. Yeah?”
The guy suddenly lost for meaning turned to the rest of the men for help. One decided to help articulate what his friend had been trying to say.
“ No. We hate it when you nag. But we also hate it when you talk too much. A man wants to come home and find some peace, not a chatter box.”
Point gotten home, the discussion moved on to other areas but I could not stop wondering whatever was wrong with talking.
Mehl tried to explain it:
“The typical scenario is — a man comes home from work at night, has used 6,850 words and with 150 left over just wants to relax and not talk. And the woman welcomes the husband with about 7,856 words left over. And that’s where all the problems start. She wants to talk when you want her to listen.” His explanation though does not explain why the ladies words are that many, unless she stays at home or does not talk at work.
But we are all guilty of unleashing “communication firecrackers” that light fires or fan already raging ones. Words are a very powerful tool but when we used badly, they break rather than build up a relationship.
The first culprit is criticism. Some people have made it their life ambition to notice everything their partners do wrong, then to point it out. After a day out being bashed by the world, everyone wants to go home and find healing arms, not another bashing. While partners need to keep each other in check, it is also up to them to be their partners greatest encouragers. Do not put your partner down. And a nice quote here, “Never tell a woman that she’s ugly, stupid, short, or fat. Not even when you’re joking!”

Nagging has been classed as women’s greatest misdemeanour.  Of course when a man says his woman is nagging, he has his own definitions of the word. But the general agreement is that saying it once is good enough. One reminder can also pass. After that, just skip it. But one should remember to tell him “I told you” when something goes wrong as a result. And if it is about his health, please nag. He knows you mean well.

Bursting another myth, men gossip as much as women. The only difference is what they talk about and the way they do it. It is advisable though to spare the home from serving as the theatre for character assassination.

To repeat a cliché, just because you thought of it, you don’t have to mouth it. Threats, name calling, giving orders, blaming, exaggerations, and more nagging, fall in this category. It does not help a relationship when one partner threatens to leave every time the other does something that drives them up the wall. And even though he/she has done it 20 times in the last one month alone, that does not amount to “always.” And their forgetting what you need three times in a week does not equal “never.”

Some people, blame the hoods they grew up in, seem to be running a database for rotten.com as they seem to release the world’s best (worst) insults with seemingly no effort. When it comes to partners and their actions, it might be hard to separate the “that was so stupid” from “you are so stupid.” The rule applies here, if you would not rather hear it said to you, do not say it no matter how true and obvious it is.

Ladies here, unless you married a military man, most men do not take well to taking orders. That is why the “wuuiyes” still hold their magic. A well-voiced plea is hard to ignore.

But while words can act as daggers, so can silence.  Silent treatment may get one what they wanted in the short term but its longterm effects may kill a relationship. This usually cuts cross-sectionally. Women’s silence is a battle tool. A man’s silence is –well, natural. But men, yeah, women need to talk. That is how they relate. They share problems to connect emotionally not necessarily because they need a solution. And when she finally listens to you, let it not be a lecture. It is booooooooooring and her nods and grunts are just, being polite.

The key is not in holding our silence or talking. It is making sure that we are communicating in a meaningful and positive way even if we would rather have our hands around their necks- throttling them. Like Farson said, the challenge is in maintaining the balance of power, otherwise one partner will always feel they are being talked down to, being given orders, or they have to revert to nagging and manipulation to get their way.

Dating Double Standards

Recently Daniel promised to shock us with his choice of the girl he would marry.
“You will all be surprised. She will be the last thing you would have expected. Some of you will come to ask me if I am sure I ma doing the right thing,” he said grinning in his characteristic manner.
The reason why he knew his choice would shock us was that Daniel loves his girls dazzling and flashy. The more outrageous and stunning the better. The surprise he had in store for us was that he intended to marry the exact opposite of that kind of a woman.
“There are girlfriends and there are wives. Those girls who hung around me will never make me a wife,” a seemingly wiser Daniel said.

I was naturally amused. Not by the kind of girl he was next going to introduce to me as his belle, but by the logic. May be if I could crack that I could help a lot of women who were wondering what the heck they were doing wrong when it came hitching a man for life as they always seemed to be side stepped for another woman they felt was no competition. Did men really date different kind of women and marry a different kind?

The next person I talked to, Kipchumba though could not agree with Maina. He had no intention of dating a girl he could not marry.
“Whenever I date a girl, it is because in her I see a woman I would want to settle down with. It might not work out of course but if it does, then we will marry.”
Consequently all pat relationships ended up with serious heartbreaks- his.
“I get into the relationship genuinely, with the future in mind. But most of the girls are just there for a good ride.”
He all the same agrees that many men take out girls for prestige or entertainment but look for different characteristics when they want to settle down.
“When you think of a wife, you think of the mother to your children and the woman you want to introduce to your mother. Some of those girls would never make a mother.”

Kiarie a married man says that it is common for young men to date for show before they think of settling down.
“Most career men do not think of marrying until they are over thirty. He wouldn’t want to meet a girl who will pressure him for marriage before he is ready. He therefore stays around girls he knows he cannot marry.”
That is what he did when it came to time to marry.
“Most of my girl friends were former college mates. We had done trash together and the bad I knew about them was more than the good. People tell me I went to church to look for a wife. The truth is I found my kind of girl in church.”

Manga agrees with Kiarie’s school of thought but insists that the decision is more between looks and character.
“Girlfriends are for show, to parade around. As I walk on the streets I see so many beautiful women. But I tell myself that they might not have a character to sustain it.”
He believes that character is the greatest determinant for a wife.
“A wife does not have to look beautiful. The physique is temporal. Anything can happen to that body that I adore. Character is key. Most times beauty of character and beauty of the body will not come together.”
Doesn’t he care for a beautiful woman of style? “It is amazing what the right clothes and make-up can do to a woman. She may not have much going for her physically but we can work on that easily.”
His argument is that the style is easier to work on where there is substance than the other way round.
“Seven times out of ten, style and substance will not go together. Once a chick knows that she is ok physically, she knows men will come trooping around her so she does not have to work so hard on the rest. You do not want a chick who feels so hot she thinks she is God’s gift to men,” Manga says.
Would he date one kind of girl and marry another kind?
“No. I do not want to waste my emotions and money on a girl I have no intention of marrying”.

John T. Molloy, author of the book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others published in 2003 says that the double standards are very real. More than 80 percent of the men he interviewed said that the women they were going to marry were the kind of women they would be proud to introduce to family and friends. According to them, women are divided into two categories: beddable and weddable. “Men still marry ‘good girls,’” says Molloy. “They probably won’t marry a girl who sleeps with them on the first date or two.”

OTHER INFO
Molloy advices women who want to marry fast to only date the marrying kind.

• Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry.

• Men often marry women whose backgrounds- religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status- match theirs.

• Men who have their own places and have lived as independent, self-supporting adults are more likely to marry.

• Most men think sowing their wild oats is a rite of passage and will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years.

Silent fighting

A couple is having conflict in their relationship.  The fight slowly stalemates into a war without words. They still share the same bed, bathroom and car. She cooks his meals, irons his clothes and picks up after him- but all this with no words exchanged. This will go on for days, even weeks- until something happens to upset the silence or it gets to the nerves of one of them. A story about a couple having one of those spats. One day the man comes home and decides to go to bed early. He leaves a note for his wife by the bedside. “Wake me up at five,” it says. The next morning the man wakes up- at seven. He is so mad his wife did not wake him up at five as instructed.
Angrily, he demands to know why she failed to do so. Mum, she points to a note by the bedside. “Wake up, it’s five,” it says.

Silent fighting or cold wars as they have come to be called are quite a common scenario in many relationships. Many couples have gone through those periods when communication levels hit zero, even plummets to the negative side of the number line. One or both partners pull the silence card as a way to avoid the problem, solve it or to punish one partner. In the silence it is hoped the problems will disappear or at least diminish in significance with time, or that the partner will feel the disapproval and meet whatever needs are unmet in the relationship.

Silence is said to be golden. In fact one of the characteristics of a mature relationship is the ability to spend quiet moments together without feeling the pressure to talk. In that sense, even the silence is a positive means of communication as a couple is able to connect at a much deeper level, without the need for words. Other times, silence becomes the best option, at least for the moment. When one of you is in a bad mood and is likely to say things that will be regretted when the temperatures have cooled off, or when one is going through tough times and needs more of emotional support, holding one’s peace becomes a wise thing to do. It is also argued that there are times when some truths are best left unsaid. Some people prefer to bare all their souls to partners, others let it out in doses, yet others remain as closed as the grave. Those who prefer to keep things to themselves, do not feel that they are being dishonest. It is more about how much truth they can let out without spoiling their future with their partner.

Most times though silence is harmful to a relationship as it blocks the avenues of communication. According to a health column in Science Times, people who bottle things up also do harm to their health. The collumn highlights one study showing that women who self-silenced (bottled things up) during marital spats were four times more likely to die over a 10-year period than women who always spoke their minds. Self-silencing has also been associated with an increased risk of depression, irritable bowel syndrome and eating disorders.

People who choose silence are often afraid of conflict. They feel that expressing themselves freely is likely to spark off a fight or rock the boat in an already volatile situation. Such people push down their feelings and skirt around issues rather than have their partners know what it is that they really feel or think. Others keep mum in an attempt to protect their partners from their bad moods, choosing to talk when they are happier or more positive. There are also people who feel that their opinion is not valued or welcome in a relationship and will therefore never share their mind, ultimately alienating themselves from their partners.

Relationships are built on mutual trust and sharing of the good, the bad and the ugly. Of wants, hopes and dreams, fears and doubts. Silence, no matter the rationale just succeeds in ruining relationships and driving deeper any dissension that existed. It kills emotional intimacy, trust and respect as partners feel physically and emotionally shut out, not knowing what is going on in the minds of their partners or how to handle it.

Side bar

All couples benefit from good fighting.  A person who is willing to stand up for what they believe in, as well as what is important to them within their relationship, is a more valued and respected partner.

Fighting with words is better than fighting with silence.

Pick your battles wisely and be willing to let go of convincing that person right then and there.

Fighting is also about knowing the worth of your relationship and the person with whom you are in love, so that you always consider how important it is for them to feel respected and cherished, even in the most confrontational moments.

Sometimes ignoring the silent partner will result in them talking to you or getting angrier. Either way they will have to talk to you even if it’s just to fight because they need you to know they are angry.

You can’t be in a real relationship unless you talk about how you feel. Learn how to do that.

To all the heart breakers

It is 2008 and you are tired of being single, of always going wrong when it comes to women. You want to know why wherever you go, you leave behind a string of broken female hearts, why all girls think you are a jerk. Why even after there has been so much hope, somehow you always end up getting the boot or being relegated to the classic category of ‘just friends’. From some of my experiences and the tales of my very disappointed girl pals, here are some of the reasons that drive women away or keep them away.

Some of the greatest heartbreakers are guys who know what they want, but are not sharp enough to realise that human beings are generally so selfish, they will always be thinking of what gain there is for them. It is not enough that you have fallen in love with her. She has to be sufficiently convinced that there is some short term or long term gain for her to give you her eartime or heart. This applies for both male and female. Each party needs to feel that the entrance of the other party will make their life better and not cause them any inconvenience or pain. Even if love was in the picture, we still want the best for ourselves.

The other side of that is guys who do not know what they want. They hang around like a shadow, sometimes more useful than the shadow, but still a pain. Their problem is that they do not say what it is they want. This is the category that Nicholas Asego was mourning about a few weeks ago in the “Our World” page; guys who do everything right but never take the final plunge. The simple logic here is that since they are not responding in any of the right ways, they are not attracted to her. Or they are so selfish, they want to hold on to what they have while waiting for something better to show up. No woman wants to be the interim soul soother while he waits for his Cinderella. Talking of response, guys who never call when they said they would, who forget dates, who have a way of keeping you at an arm’s length when you were wishing you could count their heart beats, nay, no.

There are other simple reasons why a woman will dodge your proposals like a rattrap. Like you are married. Or her best friend has a crush on you.  Or she is not physically attracted to you. She does not feel you. She does not connect with you. Relationships are about a lot of things. Most of all they are about sexuality. We know cases of love developing out of nothing. But when women have the choice, they want a man who makes their blood run warmer and their heartbeats faster. They want to feel attracted to you (not just your wallet) because they know a lot of times they will need that passion to keep the relationship alive.

Another reason: she thinks you are stingy. You are not generous with your time, compliments, love and money. She has to arm-twist you to spend quality time with her. Your space, your job, your mother, football, and your friends own your heart and she has to lodge out one of them whenever she wants to be near you. She only has so much mental energy!

Life is about you and you and you. You use and dump until next time. She is just like trash. No matter how hard she tries to impress you, be in your good books, keep you, it is never enough. She will never do anything right and the harder you can trample on her self esteem to make her belief it is her fault and she is not worthy of another man, the better it makes you feel. You cannot hold a decent fight. Somehow you end up hitting below the belt with underhand remarks about her mother, her waist, her job or her culinary skills.
No woman wants a man who brings out and points out the worst in her. You need to be avoided like Ebola.

You are reckless and cannot bear responsibility. You left your last girlfriend when she was seven months pregnant and do not even know whether the kid is a boy or girl, your personal hygiene needs a makeover, you cannot pay your bills, you are doing drugs, you still live off your mother and now think you can live off her, your ID reads you are 35 years old but you still wear anything 50 Cent, you think blacking out in a ditch is cool – dude, wake up. Your life is a disaster and no sister needs to come clean you up. Do it yourself.

You are an emotional basket case. Everything in life overwhelms you. Everything is everybody’s fault but your own. Your boss and colleagues hate you. You are still haunted by the father who abused you. Your neighbours suck. You are still so attached to your ex that everyday of her life your new girl has to live with that ghost, or try to measure up to it. Dating you is no fun and she has no precedence in your life. Why shouldn’t she hit the road at the first clear sign?
If you still think you are everything that is right but luck seems to be dodging your heart then just relax. May be the girls are so used to the bad boys around, your goodness looks suspect. With time they will realise that you are for real