Silent fighting
Posted by lovewitness on May 2, 2008
A couple is having conflict in their relationship. The fight slowly stalemates into a war without words. They still share the same bed, bathroom and car. She cooks his meals, irons his clothes and picks up after him- but all this with no words exchanged. This will go on for days, even weeks- until something happens to upset the silence or it gets to the nerves of one of them. A story about a couple having one of those spats. One day the man comes home and decides to go to bed early. He leaves a note for his wife by the bedside. “Wake me up at five,” it says. The next morning the man wakes up- at seven. He is so mad his wife did not wake him up at five as instructed.
Angrily, he demands to know why she failed to do so. Mum, she points to a note by the bedside. “Wake up, it’s five,” it says.
Silent fighting or cold wars as they have come to be called are quite a common scenario in many relationships. Many couples have gone through those periods when communication levels hit zero, even plummets to the negative side of the number line. One or both partners pull the silence card as a way to avoid the problem, solve it or to punish one partner. In the silence it is hoped the problems will disappear or at least diminish in significance with time, or that the partner will feel the disapproval and meet whatever needs are unmet in the relationship.
Silence is said to be golden. In fact one of the characteristics of a mature relationship is the ability to spend quiet moments together without feeling the pressure to talk. In that sense, even the silence is a positive means of communication as a couple is able to connect at a much deeper level, without the need for words. Other times, silence becomes the best option, at least for the moment. When one of you is in a bad mood and is likely to say things that will be regretted when the temperatures have cooled off, or when one is going through tough times and needs more of emotional support, holding one’s peace becomes a wise thing to do. It is also argued that there are times when some truths are best left unsaid. Some people prefer to bare all their souls to partners, others let it out in doses, yet others remain as closed as the grave. Those who prefer to keep things to themselves, do not feel that they are being dishonest. It is more about how much truth they can let out without spoiling their future with their partner.
Most times though silence is harmful to a relationship as it blocks the avenues of communication. According to a health column in Science Times, people who bottle things up also do harm to their health. The collumn highlights one study showing that women who self-silenced (bottled things up) during marital spats were four times more likely to die over a 10-year period than women who always spoke their minds. Self-silencing has also been associated with an increased risk of depression, irritable bowel syndrome and eating disorders.
People who choose silence are often afraid of conflict. They feel that expressing themselves freely is likely to spark off a fight or rock the boat in an already volatile situation. Such people push down their feelings and skirt around issues rather than have their partners know what it is that they really feel or think. Others keep mum in an attempt to protect their partners from their bad moods, choosing to talk when they are happier or more positive. There are also people who feel that their opinion is not valued or welcome in a relationship and will therefore never share their mind, ultimately alienating themselves from their partners.
Relationships are built on mutual trust and sharing of the good, the bad and the ugly. Of wants, hopes and dreams, fears and doubts. Silence, no matter the rationale just succeeds in ruining relationships and driving deeper any dissension that existed. It kills emotional intimacy, trust and respect as partners feel physically and emotionally shut out, not knowing what is going on in the minds of their partners or how to handle it.
Side bar
All couples benefit from good fighting. A person who is willing to stand up for what they believe in, as well as what is important to them within their relationship, is a more valued and respected partner.
Fighting with words is better than fighting with silence.
Pick your battles wisely and be willing to let go of convincing that person right then and there.
Fighting is also about knowing the worth of your relationship and the person with whom you are in love, so that you always consider how important it is for them to feel respected and cherished, even in the most confrontational moments.
Sometimes ignoring the silent partner will result in them talking to you or getting angrier. Either way they will have to talk to you even if it’s just to fight because they need you to know they are angry.
You can’t be in a real relationship unless you talk about how you feel. Learn how to do that.
