Fast-tracked maturity

It is interesting how at 16 years, a girl cannot wait to grow up. At that stage of life, all she wants to do is get out of her parent’s/guardian’s/teacher’s box and have them respect her for who she feels she is, no matter how fickle that self-image is.

The problem that we make is that we end up growing up too fast before our time. We later realise we missed out on so much and the urge then is to either get frozen in time or try to go back. Many of us do, not without consequences. A common scenario may be an old woman who is unable to gracefully let go of youth. She continues to scramble for kiddie clothes and younger men to maintain that feeling.

One girl whose name I will omit just did that, to the consternation and maybe trauma of many. At the age of 16, she decided she was too in love to live without her boyfriend. She hurriedly did her class eight exams –performed not too well, if I may add- and in the same huff, moved in with her boyfriend. Less than nine months later, she was a mother, wife and well looking it.

What is so wrong with that? A lot. But I would have forgiven it had she stuck with it. But five years later (I am surprised it took so long), she finally ditched the family and went back to her mama’s house. Her husband has already cheated on her enough times, even had had a child with another girl. At 21, she already knew the trauma of a broken marriage and was now a single mother of a five year old. She could counsel you on bringing up a toddler, living with a stepchild, handling mother-in-law spurts, dealing with a cheating and abusive spouse, all from experience. Talk of growing up before your time!

The last time I saw her, she had slowly started reclaiming her youth, and though still a beautiful girl, you could see the lessons of the years in her eyes. I hope she will dump her pride and go back to school. But even if she doesn’t, I am sure the lesson nature taught has not been wasted on her.

“Do not hurry up life,” wisdom I wish she would have listened to. It reminds me of an email I received along time ago about the way we cannot wait to progress to the next stage in life- we can’t wait to go to school, move to the next grade, finish high school, go to college, graduate, start dating, get engaged, marry, have kids, see them start school, graduate, move out- the suddenly it hits us: we have grown old, are bound for the grave and we were in such a hurry to go to the next phase in life we forgot to live.

Life really is too short to waste doing all the wrong things. But then again, that is the only way many of us seem to learn. Another naïve girl told me the other day that she would be a fool to keep on repeating the mistakes others have done in the past. She should be able to learn from them and if she has to mess up, then it would have to be in an undiscovered territory. Save from pointing that no mistake has yet not been done by man, I reminded her that knowing the right thing to do does not necessarily stop you from doing the wrong thing, even when the consequences are staring you in the face. Often the thrill of the moment is just too great, you do not really care you are making the same mistakes others have made for ages before you.

This will not necessarily impel you to make better decisions. Our words of caution to the young wife hit brick walls. May be she did not see how we could possibly understand how in love they were, how perfect they were for each other and how ready she was for the path she had undertaken. May be she did, and still dared to take the risk. I might never know. I hope like girl no.2, we really do not have to learn from the school of hard knocks. One story of a girl in Argentina who even after giving birth to four kids by age fifteen and the local authorities moving to give her land and a house, still went ahead to get triplets a year later. At 16, she is a mother of seven. For her even experience quite lost its lesson on her.

The Perfect man

Women love shopping. OK. Most women thrive on shopping. And why not- even experts say shopping is therapeutic. When it comes to shopping, most women will have come across and biblically follow the adage, ‘if it doesn’t fit, don’t buy’, some advice that has saved them ending up with pieces they cannot wear a month later. The difficult part comes when the same wisdom is applied to their search for partners, resulting in tragic results and conclusions- women are impossible to please.

There is an Internet joke about a store that has husbands for sale. The store has six floors and the attributes of the men increase as a shopper ascends the flights. By the time the shopper is on the fifth floor, the deal is already too good. The men there have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. One particular shopper goes on to the sixth floor and there finds a sign that reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

The bit about women being impossible to please- I don’t know, but one thing I know is that if such a store exists, then all the women who have walked on this planet would have gone through there at one point of their lives, shopping list in hand, with the majority finding themselves on the sixth floor, and still hoping to find that perfect man who fills their dream.
Forget women’s fascination with the bad-boy-cum-jerk phenomenon. Deep inside, all women are longing for that man who will treat them like the queens they believe they are, and any man who even comes close to such a description will find himself in very high demand.

But do perfect men exist? At 29, and still single, Rosemary is a wiser woman than she was a few years ago. She has been searching for Mr. Right, and so far he seems not to be in Kenya. There is a story of a man who went all over the world searching for Mrs. Right. When he finally found the woman who perfectly fit the description he was looking for, she told him that she was also out searching for Mr. Right and it sure wasn’t him.

We all have ideals of the kind of partners we think we need. Women in particular have been known to go through their search for lifetime partners armed with a shopping list of ‘have to’ and ‘absolutely not’ characteristics. Funny, financially stable, five feet tall, dark and handsome… Some, have, amidst the rubble, unearthed their gem. Many women will testify to having kissed enough frogs hoping that hidden beneath was the prince who would match them to the sunset, only to discover that WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) is not just for desktop publishing. It can also apply to men.

Not every woman will be lucky to find the man who maps her childhood mental beau. And even when she is ready to give him time to grow up and style up under her tutelage, many realize that a man may not be that ready to be molded and adapted into whatever shape she wants him to. That does not mean that there are no men who will be forever grateful for the role the women in their lives have played to transform them (and their houses) from the resulting state due to bachelorhood.

Ditching a list though does not mean giving up any standards and facing life with an empty slate and open mind. Wisdom tells that if you do not know what you want, then when it comes you will not recognize it and you will settle for anything. It rather means being open to the mysterious, unpredictable nature of love. A list may more than often hold you being a self-preservation tool, knowing full well no one will ever fulfill it.

So what is so wrong with settling for nothing but the best? We cannot begrudge these women, who often have had experiences of being shortchanged on what they got at the end of their wedding night, or whatever variation we have made of that.
“I always had too much faith in men but they always disappointed me. I am yet to meet a man who makes me happy. I am starting to think he does not exist,” says Rosemary.

We can try and understand their plight as they search of the perfect man, only too discover that he will never come with all the trappings you need him to and even when he does, often the packaging is all so wrong you may fail to recognise him. It is only those who have the patience to scour beneath the mismatched clothes, the nose-mining fingers, loud belching, the funny accent, the weird hairstyle and body odour problem, who may brandish their had earned trophy of frog-turned prince.

As the passionate pursuit for the beau to sweep her off her feet intensifies, more women realize that they have run full circle, have reached that stage when age is approximated- downwards, and are still to find their nest to roost. May be this should be the time women should get back to themselves and gauge how they rate as partners before they can rate others.

This though is not to discourage all those women who are armed with a list of ‘have-to’ and ‘absolutely-not’ characteristics of the man who will keep them warm in old age (if it lasts that long).
The sad fact at the end of the day is that perfect men never existed and if they did, they went extinct a number of millennia ago.
“I realized men will never be exactly how I want them. And neither will I be what they want. It is about being patient with him and him with you,” says Rosemary.

For even when you think you found him, you will find that he comes more in raw material form, and it is only hard work and persistent belief and faith in him that will give you what you have been searching for. Perfection does not create a perfect bond, love does. And the fun is not in getting there, it is in the journey of growth and transformation for the two of you.

What do women really want?

“Men with overdeveloped cerebral cortexes look down from their corner offices and wonder why women go for losers.” Anon.

Sylvester could not understand what had just happened. His three-year old girlfriend had just ditched him to marry what he called “a guitar playing jobless man.” Sylvester thought he had it all. A good job, owned a house, a good family background, above average looks- what else would one want? His friends tried to appease him, but he knew as much as he wanted to call his girlfriend’s new beau a loser, he was the loser here. He could not keep (or figure out) his girl. If all his woman magnets could not work, then what would?

I wish I could answer his question- what do women really want? Maybe then I could help create a whole new category in the Nobel awards for outstanding contribution to the field of Opposite Sex.

Knowing what women want would have to begin with understanding women, and I am sure you are now laughing. Whoever can understand women? Do they even understand themselves? Like the joke goes, the only man who ever figured out women laughed so hard, he died before he could tell anyone what he found out.

Before you throw your hands in the air, know that women will rate you on how well you get along with them. You could be among the lucky ones who freestyle and somehow get out on the deep end but basically, to get along with women, you’ve got to figure them out first. The funny bit is that the subspecies that prides itself in its complexity may not be that complex after all.

Of course life would be so much easier if everyone got out of their boxes and outright said what it is they wanted. But it is hard to imagine that a woman would speak directly or say exactly what is in her mind. She more often expects you to read the emotional subtext in her words and figure out what her yes really means. Or what a sentence left pending implies.
Does her yes mean I agree or it is just a gimmick to get you to shut up? Does her headache really mean her head is throbbing or it is an excuse-or is it induced? If men were more keen on this front, they could have saved themselves getting stood up on dates or being caught in surprise fights where they are wondering what they did wrong.
It is sad that women sometimes say no when they mean yes. It reminds me of a programme running in one of the TV stations, “Games people play.” Hers could be a game to test your resilience, push you away or to help her decide what she really wants. I wish everyone would stop playing games. But that is like wishing the sun away. So I guess the only way there is to keep your antennae up for all verbal and non-verbal cues to avoid some unpleasant scenes and time wastage.

To truly understand anyone, you have got to be really interested in them. That means going out of your way to listen, spend time with, enjoy being with… Hopefully that way you can understand how women talk, think, react, the works. First, you need to get rid of the mindset that women are impossible to figure out. A bit difficult maybe but totally workable. Two, understand that they will at times be at the mercy of hormones but that is part of their beauty- and the bargain. Three, women’s needs are as varied as they come so generalities will not always work.

All these will mean hanging around women quite a bit. And trust me- they can be fun. Disclaimer here though: this does not guarantee you will figure it out. Boys who grew up around so many sisters do not find women less of a riddle- neither do couples who have been married for decades.

All the same, women like equality, kindness, support, trust and love. Anything with those overtones will intrinsically appeal to their inner person.
It therefore goes then without saying that as a man, learning to make every woman you encounter (mother-in-law, cleaning woman, your boss, mama mboga) feel good about herself automatically helps you score higher on the women list. It is known as being charming and if done genuinely, it will work wonders no matter her age or role in your life.
Lorna agrees that women highly value treatment and romance.
“No woman wants a man who treats her like trash. She wants to feel precious, like a valueless asset,” she says.

Earning a woman’s trust is key. Someone paralleled it to the relationship with your banker- if she has decided not to go out on a date with you, being friendly isn’t going to change her mind the same way being friendly to your banker will not make him give you a loan.

Mrs Wangui Kibet of Lady appeal confirms that: “ A man who is not able to keep his word is not found attractive by a woman. She knows she will get hurt.”

“Ladies also want a man who is courageous and protective. She needs to know you can stand up for her,” continues Wangui.  Can that explain women’s fascination with six packs and biceps? But it goes back to the issue of trust- he can be counted on.

With all the stories on gold digging, men may think that a fat wallet spells sexy. Granted. Some money is good. A lot of money is very good. But if money really factored, Bill Gates would be the sexiest man on earth. So before you invest your all in all trying to impress her, know that women’s brains are not hardwired to appreciate money, the same way they do with the above characteristics. When it comes to conflict, love is more likely to win than money.

The best part is that this list is far from full. It just gives you enough leeway to create small talk with the women folk trying to figure out what they really want and meanwhile practice your charm on them.