sometimes love aint enough

A song that was a hit in the late 1990’s had a line that I loved: “ Baby sometimes love aint enough.” That line summed up so much, some of what many people venturing in relationships forget. When the gooey feeling is all over you and your eyes light up at her sight, when your every waking moment is filled with his thoughts and the mere mention of his name gives you palpitations, then it is easy to think you got it all worked out. Because you love each other, all mountains will be climbed, all hills levelled, yeah?

A big mistake we often make. The cases we have seen or heard of people who truly and genuinely love each other, yet can’t stop fighting or hurting each other, are many. Same case as people who believe they love each other but who will swear they will never get married to each other because there is no way they could survive with each other. The point- there is more that makes a marriage or relationship work than just deep hormone-instilled affection.

The problem would then have to do with love itself or our definition of it. However, since essentially there is nothing wrong with love in itself (I am actually a firm believer in the Biblical verse that says that love conquers all), the problem has to do with how we define what love is in our contemporary culture.

Various philosophers, writers and psychologists have defined different forms of love. There is eros, the romantic, sexual love; philia, the love of companionship and friendship; agape, the self giving love that goes on giving even when the other becomes unlovable, often paralleled to the unconditional love of God.

The problem that many people make is depending on the romantic attraction they have for their partner to determine the direction of a relationship. Romance is simply about feelings- how I see you and how that makes me react. Such feelings in themselves depend on our perceptions and circumstances and are very fickle. They are the ones that will initially bring you together but they will never form the basis for building a strong and meaningful relationship since we cannot always influence how others perceive us, or the circumstances under which they do that. Such a love gives rise to such statements as: “I no longer love him,” “I do not feel the same way about him anymore,” or “ I am in love with another woman.” Love did not die. The feelings died. The feeling of “being in love” evaporated because something that had prompted it changed.

In order for your love to last longer, beyond the dry patches when she is no longer as beautiful as you once saw her, or when even the financial charm you saw in him has been soured by his temper, then all three types of love need to intentionally co-exist. You have to work at actively incorporating all three in your relationship.

Bursting the myths we carry around about attraction and love, Dean Sherman, author of Love, Sex and Relationships points out that romantic love is usually single in focus and under the control of the participant. “ Have you ever noticed that you are not romantically attracted to five people at the same time? Sometimes you might be attracted to a couple of people for a very short time but the tussle in your heart doesn’t last long and one person emerges as the one you are interested in,” he writes.
The fact that romantic attraction is under the control of the participant means that attractions are not beyond our control. As he writes, “ You do not have to be in love with anybody. This notion that love is something that hits us is a lie.”
Sherman though adds that the romantic attraction is directed, not initiated, by our will. What we have to do is decide whether or not to pursue the object of our affection.

The flip side of that is that we do not have to fall out of love. Sherman insists that love is not an “it” that we fall into and which can leave us any time. “There are times in most romantic relationships when we will have to remind ourselves to stay in love with the person we have chosen. Feelings come and go. Sometimes we can feel head over heels about our spouse, and other times everything seems dull. But if we stay committed through the dull times, the feelings of love return,” he writes.

Such is the time that philia and agape love play the biggest role in holding the relationship intact. Phileo love is about friendship and partnering. It is the thing that you see in another person that draws you to be their friend. But even this can fade as it depends on characteristics we like in our partners, which bind us together. Agape and philia flourish the eros.

Agape love comes out as most key kind of loving you will ever give your partner, primarily because you will love them even when they do not deserve it. This love will not give ultimatums and conditions because it is generated by a greater cause, that of wanting the best for the other person no matter the personal cost. This kind of love does not just happen. You make it happen. Loving becomes a personal act commitment, of being sympathetic and thoughtful, of giving with no thought of receiving. The difficult part is that agape loving is not easy and goes against the whole grain of our essence. Human beings by their very nature are selfish. It takes another strength to put another human being’s needs and happiness above your own. That is not to say it cannot be done. In fact that is the only hope you have for a lasting, meaningful relationship and marriage.

TURNING ON THE WATERWORKS

A lot of people, and particularly the press, have been overly fascinated with Hillary Clinton’s moist-eyed moments on the campaign trail, especially her tear-eyed face in January when she was faced with the prospect of losing New Hampshire to Obama. Immediately after the primary analysts flocked to the talk shows to debate whether or not the tears could possibly have been real. One man wrote, “Man or woman, it scares me to think that if the pressure of losing a state is going to make her cry, what’ll she do when we’re in danger of losing our future?”

This man (had to be) like so many other people considers tears the greatest sign of weakness a man or a woman can ever show. American business magnate, author, editor and homemaking advocate Martha Stewart in her NBC Apprentice television show said this to a female contestant who said she felt like crying after her team lost a flower-selling contest
“Cry and you are out of here,” Ms. Stewart said. “Women in business don’t cry, my dear.”

Tears are frowned upon so badly in some of our African cultures that a sniffling, whimpering man will be told off as a sissy. But while we gladly accept that it is not interesting for a would-be president of the United States to break down into tears in front of the world, or for a company CEO to rush out of a high profile meeting in sobs, it is an established fact that women cry a lot, much more than men. And the tears are as varied as the reasons. Sometimes they will be little sniffles behind mops of tissue, other times they are bucket loads and rivers, other times just a little misty eyed moment especially after something they consider “sweet”, happens.
A little boy asked his mother why she was crying. She replied, “Because I am a woman.” “I do not understand,” he said. His mom just hugged him and said, “and you never will.” When the boy asked the father the same question, all the dad could say was, “ all women cry for no reason.”

May be he was right. Women cry when they are happy and when they are sad. When they are tired and when they are overcome with joy. They will cry at a friend’s wedding, at a baby shower, at a funeral, because a project went bad, because a colleague told them off, because they broke a heel, and other times, just because they feel like a good cry. Look at this excerpt from a poem I came across that explains why women cry:

We cry because our toe hurts
We cry because our friends hurt
We cry because of our heart hurt by the ones we love the most
We cry because we are mensing and our hormones are in charge
We cry because our butt is small… or is it way too large???

We cry because our parents tried to tell us what they knew
We cry because we didn’t listen now life tells us what to do
We cry because we’re parents now and want to give our children more
We cry because our children have no clue of what’s in store

We cry because we don’t know why
And sometimes we don’t care
We cry because God says we can and He put those feelings there…

More specifically, here are the reasons why women cry:

Genuine emotion
Anger, frustration, stress, happiness, sadness, beauty, all will make us turn on the water works. That is why we love those chick flicks that make us go “wuuuiye” and “wow.” Pretty Woman, A Walk to Remember and The Notebook fall in that list.
And that is why a motorist splashing mud all over her on a Monday morning will send her to sobs. Men will hardly cry because they are angry. The good part about having a good cry is that you feel better after it. A lot of women confess to feeling less stressed or frustrated after a crying bout. It released the pressure on the mind and heart that can be numbing.  Does it have anything to do with why women live longer?

The greatest cause for tears especially at the work place, according to findings of Psychology graduate Yasmine Yaghmour, is the feeling of helplessness, lack of control over work and unfair treatment. Many women remember crying or wanting to cry at some point in their careers, especially when they were starting out. The study showed that emotional displays by women at work tended to be in response to situations of power, control and justice.
Ms Yaghmour said, “Women feel embarrassed and ashamed when they succumb to tears at work for fear of appearing weak or incompetent to colleagues or customers, they feel it reinforces a negative female stereotype.”

At such times, what a woman needs is to feel heard, understood and supported.
NB: If you feel the tears coming up during a talk with your partners, clients, bosses or colleagues, put on your sunglasses, excuse yourself and go mop in the toilet. Most people, even the women, will not view the tears in your favour. It is seen as unprofessional and a sign of weakness or irrationality. You do not want that marring your career.

Hormones
Whether it is adolescence, PMS, pregnancy, post-partum depression (baby blues), menopause or just being a woman, hormones have a way of wreaking havoc in a woman’s life. Once in a while we will just find we are working ourselves into a melancholy mood for a good long cry just because we feel like it. Call it marinating in our hormones but like the poem says, that is the way God made us. . Better out than in. Caution me; the worst thing you can do at such a time is slight her tears, unless you can deal with the wrath that will follow.

Manipulation
Here is a headline appearing on the daily mail of 6th February 2008: Tears are every woman’s most powerful and manipulative weapon, but can Hillary weep her way to the White House?
“Women’s weapons, water-drops,” said Shakespeare’s King Lear, later echoed by Spencer Tracy in Adam’s Rib: “A few female tears, stronger than any acid.”
From a young age, women have learnt that even the strongest of men will baulk at the sight of tears. One condom advert had a baby screaming in a supermarket for sweets. This had the dad so embarrassed, he bought the sweets. But the little kid had learnt the art of manipulation. Who says when they grow up they will have any qualms on trying the same tactics on a boyfriend, a boss or a traffic cop?

That is not to say men do not cry. They will certainly tear up after a Manchester United loses to Chelsea at home. And at the end of the movie Gladiator when Maximus dies, with his honour intact. Or during the movie Brian’s Song, when Gayle Sayres says, “I love Brian Piccolo and I’d like all of you to love him too. And so, tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him”. They will also bawl at their mother’s funeral or a friend’s sick bed and once in a while, because some girl broke their heart.  But you are unlikely to find a man rushing out of an exam room in tears because they are afraid they will fail, or running to the washrooms because the boss was rude.

Apart from the cultural connotations associated with tears, it has been found that there are physical and hormonal reasons that make women more prone to breaking down into torrents. Researcher William Frey says that girls and boys cry about the same amount of times until they reach age twelve. By the time they are eighteen, women cry on average four times more than men. The hormone Prolactin present in the mammary glands and responsible for lactation is also found in the blood and in tear glands. Boys and girls have the same level of Prolactin until age twelve when the amount in girls gradually rises. By the time they are eighteen, they have sixty percent more than boys.

Men’s and women’s tear glands are also anatomically different, as are the tears. Women’s tear ducts are shaped a little differently from men’s, which could be either a cause or an effect of increased crying [Source: New York Times]. Dr Frey’s research also shows that when men cry, their tears do not give away as opposed to women whose crying episodes involve runaway tears down the cheeks probably confirming the joke you will often hear from men, “We cry inwards.”

Depressed people may cry four times as much as people who are not depressed. According to Psychology Today two-thirds of people diagnosed with depression are women.

Like Carol Sarler the writer of the Daily Mail article, Hillary or any other woman should not hide their tears no matter how plaintive the indignation of men or the feminists is. We cry because God says we can and He put those feelings there…

Naming the diva

Naming the diva

Prominent women define “having it all” and give examples of those among them they think fit in that definition and why

Ever since the birth of the feminist movement, women have fought for their turf. They have to a larger extent fought successfully for equal pay, employment rights, equal treatment and more. Today, the woman is not only at par with the alternative gender, but is in some instances steps ahead.
As a result, women have come to define their lot in terms of “has it all” and “going there”. Some women are christened “diva” (as derived from the Italian word ‘diva’ meaning “goddess” or “fine lady”) while others are hardly spoken about. And even among the young, there is that insatiable desire to make it in life. Some young lady is always busy reading a “how to…”, “10 ways to…”, “15 reasons why…” book and websites at one time or another, and shaping their lives according to a certain “model” of  whom they think “has it all”.
We are always trying to reach greater heights in our emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, career and financial spheres. But then, what is the “it” that we are always trying to reach? Is it achievable? How? Does it even exist or are we just chasing a phantom?
We spoke with a few women, some of whom are thought to have it all, others who know they have it all, and others that are still reaching out for “it”, to find out what their views on “having it all” are.

Ms Esther Arunga
KTN News Anchor

“I do not think there is a universal description of a woman who has it all. It varies from woman to woman. For example, Oprah Winfrey may consider herself as having it all, but someone will argue she doesn’t just because she does not have a husband and children. A housewife may believe she has it all because she has a loving husband, great kids and a beautiful home, but a career woman may believe the housewife doesn’t because she does not make her own money. It depends on a woman’s personal goals and ambitions.
“A woman who has it all has achieved her major goals and ambitions. From the outside looking in, the only way one can gauge whether another woman has it all is whether the woman looks content and happy – genuinely happy with her life, that is, not looking like she has just settled with what she has. Though such women may be sobbing into their pillows all night long, in public, they look content. They don’t pull ridiculous stunts for attention purposes (read, Britney Spears), they are doing what they love to do.
Names: Despite her yo-yo weight issues, to me, Oprah Winfrey has it all.
What holds women back: The society’s gross- underestimation of the female potential, capacity and ability.”

Ms Anastanzia Wakesho (Stacey)
Chair, Domestic Tourism Council of Kenya

Pic By Martin Mukangu

“A woman who has it all is courageous, able to fight it out in a male dominated field, selfless and brave.
Names: Ms Esther Passaris and myself.
What holds women back: Fear of the unknown. Everybody is able to be such a woman. But understand that you do not succeed alone. You need someone or some power backing you up. For me it is my belief in God.”

Amina Abdallah

Kanu Nominated MP

“A woman who has it all? (Thinks) Is there one? If you have chumms (money) you don’t have a spouse, if you have a spouse, he is beating you up…

I would say she has to be financially independent, be in emotionally benefiting relationships, have a balanced family and be spiritually okay. There is never perfection in anything.

Names: Mama Nyiva Mwendwa and the MD of Skynet Express, Ms Jane Babsa. These are people who are rich enough in their heart, have confidence in their achievements and they wish good for others.
What holds women back: Poor education, fear and cultures that discourage women. If you are not fearful you will work around issues even when culture discourages you.”

Mrs Joyce Kibet

Life skills coach and motivational speaker with Lady Appeal
“She has her life goals, is on target about meeting them and is seeking balance. Most women look for satisfaction. They should seek to balance things in their lives rather than seeking to satisfy everything. When you try to have it all, you end up frustrated. She may not have accomplished everything but is on track getting there.
Names: Can’t think of any at the moment.

What holds women back: Situations outside of themselves – most women have more hurdles to jump than men. Then within them there are fears; they look down upon themselves.
Women are also emotionally oriented rather than reason oriented. This may not always work for them.
When we see a woman who has achieved, we forget where they have come from. We need to find out what they have been through to arrive there. It takes a lot of perseverance. If we persevere we can have it all. Our problem is that we want it now.”

Ms Njoki Ndung’u

Former legislator, lawyer, gender activist

“I don’t have it all. It is all a balancing act. A woman who has it all has to be fulfilled a) at a personal level, b) at a global level.

At a personal level, she has to be fulfilled mentally, physically and spiritually. Her mind, soul and body need to be fulfilled.

At a global level, this is how she relates with her environment, how people around her live. She avoids negative karma and engages the positive. I do not like staying around negative people. They have walls of darkness about them – envy, jealousy…
There is goodness in helping other people succeed.
She needs to be financially independent and have a stable family.

Names: Muthoni Likimani. She was able to achieve so much when the glass ceiling was not open for women, and she is generous.

Gina Din. She has personality and is gracious.
Rahab Karoki  (a friend). She has worked so hard to get where she is now.
Esther Passaris
What holds women back: Unequal status in society. Women are treated as second-class citizens. The culture and the legal framework, discriminates against the woman.”

Ms Esther Passaris
Businesswoman, former MD of Adopt-A-Light and founder of One in a Million
“When a woman has it all, she knows that when she dies today, everything will be the same. Kenya is unsettled and poverty is at its highest rate. We are a nation of consumers where there is stagnant infrastructure and little investment. You cannot say you have it all and ignore your surroundings.
Having it all involves job satisfaction, having a healthy family, resources to spend, a country that is where it should be and progressing and being aware of poverty and problems that surround us.
A woman who has it all should be at peace with herself as child of God, be a part of the solution to the problems, have qualities that make her Creator happy, doesn’t live a lie and should have a good set of values to live by.
She should be in balanced relationships, have children, be financially stable, live in a safe environment and be happy with the community/country progression.
Life is made of eight legs:
1.    Financial wellbeing- No.6
2.    Family (love and commitment)- No.1
3.    Spiritual wellbeing- No.3
4.    Educational background- No.4
5.    Productivity- No.5
6.    Neighbours- No.7
7.    Country- No.8
8.    Security (emotional and physical well being)- No.2
It is impossible to have it all because life wasn’t made to be perfect. But it is possible to capture many precious moments.
A person who has it all is the one who does the best with what they have.
In 2002, I thought I had it all. In 2008, I feel I don’t. And it is not because of losing the mayoral election. It is because our country is in such a mess.
At some point in life you have it all, other times you do not. You have it all when you compare yourself with the worst, when you have more happy moments than sad ones, depending with how you deal with the positive than the negative.
Names: The last Mother Theresa, Wangari Maathai, the late Princess Diana. Diana – her charity, marriage and birth. Oprah Winfrey – she has dealt with rape, is rich, has a steady boyfriend, is comfortable with herself and is touching so many lives.