By Brenda Kageni

A study carried out in the US in 2007 by Lawrence University’s Professor Peter Glick says that dressing sexy for work can have very negative effects for women intent on climbing the corporate ladder. Apparently, dressing sexy for work was viewed inappropriately for women at all levels of responsibility but female managers who dressed provocatively were viewed as less competent and less intelligent. Sexy however is not the only issue when it comes to women’s dressing in the work place. There is always the challenge of balancing the formal, casual and trendy look, while still maintaining your sense of personal style without breaching the work place dress code. You don’t want to look too casual such that you are not taken seriously or end up looking sloppy. You don’t want to look too formal, uptight, unapproachable and uncreative; neither do you want to look like you spend your entire day engrossed in fashion magazines and painting your nails.

“Image counts a lot. A look says a lot about you,” says Image consultant Carolyn Makana of Rolyn Image Consultancy. “It is part of your work ethics. You want to create the right impression.”
Author and speaker Dondi Scumaci in her book Designed for Success writes: “You can wear whatever you want. You are certainly allowed- encouraged even- to have your own signature and sense of style. Just be aware that your choices create an image, and that image impacts your opportunity- what you are considered for or not considered for.”

“How you present yourself speaks volumes about you before you ever open yourself. I’ve been unable to believe in even the strongest job candidates with the most unbelievable resumes when they come into my office dressed like utter slobs. Presentation is critical,” writes Donald Trump on his Trump University website.

Work place fashion as you see does not just matter on your interview day and first day at work. If done rightly, it can present the right image of your company to your clients, present you as capable and someone worth promoting and increase your productivity since you are comfortable and confident. If done wrongly, it can invite unwanted attention, unfair judgement and affect your interaction with clients and co-workers.

What you wear will largely depend on what you do and your workplace dress policy. Some organisations are strictly formal, others casual, while others allow people to dress as they feel fit, depending on what they are doing on that day of the week. The dress codes are for a reason. They help create the right image a company wants to project to the public, consistent with the company goals. Employees dealing directly with clients will find themselves having to wear business attire, for example. It is always advisable to keep your employers needs in mind when dressing for the work place and if you will be seeing clients, dress for their workplace.

The easiest way of blending in is to know what the dress code says and then try to work around the clothes you have to fit in. You want to be noticed because you look the part, not because you stand out, oddly.
“Understand the dress code and then mix and match whatever you have, still following the dress code but maintaining your personal style. Find your personal style. Know what suits your body shape and how to put colours together.”

Famous BBC fashion advisers Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine in their fashion guidebook, What not to wear for Every Occasion say, “You need to let your true personality shine through while respecting the nature of the event and being aware of how others might view you. If for example you are the lively type, it’s criminal to murder your spirit by overmatching. Uniform dressing is the quickest way to stamp out any individuality.”

The Casual Look
People in creative fields may prefer to dress in casual as it is more laid back. Organisations are also known to encourage casual wear as a way of motivating employees.
“In today’s work environment the casual code reigns. I’m not convinced this is such a good thing for women. We may want to rethink it. I’ve yet to meet a woman who looked more capable in jeans and a t-shirt. And the most successful women I know dress the most professionally. There’s a connection here,” writes Scumaci.
She instead advises women to “Level it up,” or dress one level above the expectation. If you work in a jeans and t-shirt environment, you wear slacks and collared shirt. If slacks are the code, you add a jacket. If jackets are expected, you wear suits.

Trinny and Sussanah give the following advice: “ Jeans are fine for casual work but only when worn as tailored trousers. Leave hooded tops at home or give them to your kid sister. Even when casually dressed, the boss needs to show authority. Corduroys are a smarter way to wear jeans in the office.” They warn that a too casual look, like coming to work in gym wear can end up saying that you just rolled out of bed and went to work. You are a slacker and your job is not a priority. “A sloppy look says you don’t care how your image impacts the company and you are not ready for further responsibility.”

The Formal Look
Suits are the easiest way to create a formal look and work well with most professional environments. “Formal dressing is about looking powerful yet approachable. Get the colours right and wear what suits your shape. You need to dress for where you want to get in your job. Avoid clothes that are too tight. You do not want to wear a skirt that shows off too much of your legs or a trouser that rides down showing off your thong in the office,” says Makana.
Wearing a suit doesn’t give you the license to be predictable. You also don’t have to downplay your assets or look overly conservative to look appropriate for the work place.
Makana encourages women to find ways of livening up and adding their personal signature to even the most formal dress codes. “Just because it is a suit doesn’t mean it has to be boring.” Hard severe suits according to the Trinny and Sussanah give an unapproachable feel.

Going Sexy
Dressing sexy in the workplace is always tricky because as Makana warns, people end up thinking you have ulterior motives.
“If you know what you have come to do in the work place, you will not cross that line. It is seen as attention seeking or like a form of competition on who look’s sexier or who can best catch the boss’s eye. I have met women who at 9.00 a.m look like they are going for a night out. Looking too sexy is never appropriate for the office. People no longer take you seriously. Just because you are beautiful and have the body, you don’t have to use that to your advantage. Dress up for the part but always let your CV and your work speak for itself. You do not want to dress sexy in order to get a job.”

Showing off a bare midriff at work is totally inappropriate. So are any visible undergarments and skirts too short, blouses too low and trousers too tight. They may get you into cases of sexual harassment and take away a lot of respect. You may be perceived as using your sexuality to move up the ranks. It is hard to show so much cleavage and not be thought of as a sexual object.
Stilletos are inappropriate for someone who runs around lot. Not only do they look insensible, but they also annoy those around with the click clack. For height and practicality, a wedge shoe might work better.

However that is not to say that you cannot pull off a sexy look at work and still look professional. You just have to make sure that your work is beyond reproach and that your speech, poise and behaviour do not pass across the wrong message.

Makana advices women to carry extra items of clothing like a pair of high heels if one has a high profile meeting later in the day, or stilettos for a cock tail party.

Here are some additional tips from Dondi Scumaci’s book:

•    Even if you are required to wear a uniform, make sure it is pressed and clean.
•    Avoid hyper trends, and stick with timeless styles
•    It’s difficult to take a woman with neon-blue, studded talons for nails seriously
•    When it comes to shoes, take a cue from the gents. Make sure they are polished with no scuffs. Check your heels! If they need repair, fix them or throw them away.
•    Watch the hemline and neckline! Just because you can wear a miniskirt or a low cut blouse doesn’t mean you should. The women who do are usually the women we work with, not the women we work for. (Go figure).
•    Pay attention to details like dangling buttons and hems hanging by a thread
•    If you want to be taken more seriously, dark colours are recommended- flowers, frills, and prints aren’t.
•    Jewellery is an accent- not the main attraction.

Being a woman comes with many privileges- and many responsibilities. If you are among the generation that was born before woman lib hit Kenya after the Beijing Women’s Conference, then you must have been taught, actively or passively, the role of a woman in the home. She sweeps, she cleans, she washes, she cooks, irons, fetches water, goes to the market… Even with modernity quickly taking over every sphere including the home, you will soon have to reconcile yourself with the idea that you are expected to be the family caretaker. Girl in DC a few months ago was talking about Kenyan men who won’t cook. I do not blame them- or her. According to the social, spiritual and psychological set up in Kenya, a man is not expected to cook. The kitchen is “her” domain.

Being an African woman therefore ends up being quite a tall order for many of us. Growing up we wanted to climb trees, trap birds, chase after squirrels, ride handmade cars down steep slopes, swing on trees, do somersaults on the grass and do a little kickboxing and wrestling with our then perceived enemies. This was met with a stern look of disapproval. Girls do not behave like that. We were told. They were supposed to be helping their mama’s, taking a keen interest in the kitchen, and doing a little practice on the side with used tins and soil.  A little older and we were expected to help take care of our brothers and fathers when mama was not around. We grew up, moved away from home and luckily (or unluckily) we learnt to take care of us alone.

But even with that the list of expectations did not grow shorter. Every time we came short of society’s expectation of a woman, we were frowned upon and made to feel guilty. What kind of a woman has to order a take out instead of cooking? What do you mean you get a mama to do your washing for you? What do you mean you do not know how to change diapers? To be honest, these are not supposed to be achievements. Having been brought up in the above setting, it embarrasses me to hear a woman talk about how she has never washed a single piece of cloth in her 30 years. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to scream at society top expecting us to be super women.

There will always be men and women who can maintain a cleaner home or closet than us. Let us admit it- at times it is fun to dump those clothes on the floor without thinking about who will pick them up the next day. We arte totally lost on how to maintain a sparkling kitchen, even with no kids in sight. Not all of us can whip a meal for five in ten minutes out of an almost empty fridge. With a full one, some of us are still lost for ideas. Even when we cook, we get our tomatoes, carrots, meat, potatoes, cabbage, parsley, and onions already chopped. Birthday cakes are bought from the supermarket complete with the icing. At times it is more convenient to buy new socks for our kids than try to find clean ones in their messy rooms. Let’s face it- we are no Martha Stewart and even with years of reading Kanyeki’s column, our homes are forever in the need of a makeover.

As if to add to my depression, I received this email from a friend who was supposedly appreciating the woman.

“Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the
table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some  cash  for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.
She put both near her bag Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, “I thought you were going to bed.”  “I’m on my way,” she said.
She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in  particular. “I’m going to bed.” And he did…without another thought.”

Ouch, we may have been made for the long haul but some of us just want to prop our feet on the settee and watch J-Lo classics while someone does the handing out of whatever we need.

There have been conflicting reports from dermatologists, researchers and ordinary people trying to prove or disprove the benefits of sex on the skin. A statement published on UK’s National Health Service Direct website advocates that ‘regular bouts of sexercise’ can boost health in many ways and one of them, improving the skin. The statement, called ‘Get More Than Zeds In Bed’ claims; “Orgasms can actually make you glow with health. The increased production of the hormones will make your hair shine and your skin smooth. And if you’re worried about wrinkles – orgasms even help prevent frown lines from deepening.”

The benefits of sex in a loving relationship are undeniable. Assuming you do not contract a venereal disease in the process, research has shown that sex can make you live longer, relieve pain, reduce the risk of prostate cancer, improve posture, boost self esteem, make you feel younger, give you a firmer tummy and buttocks, keep you emotionally connected with your spouse, give you better teeth, reduce the risk of heart disease, relieve stress, burn calories, reduce depression, even unblock a stuffy nose and improve your sense of smell. Others have equated sex with a week at a luxury spa. But is talking about sex and beautiful skin just spinning the yarn a bit too long?

The NHS statement claims that hormones and endorphins released during sex are responsible for the health benefits. “These hormones will keep your bones and muscles healthy, leaving you feeling fabulous inside and out.”
“Increased production of endorphins will make your hair shine and your skin smooth,” it adds.

Some researches claim that sex increases the youth-promoting hormone DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), which is converted first into the hormone androstenedione, and then to a wide array of androgens and estrogens, including male testosterone and the female hormone estradiol. Women who have more sex therefore have higher levels of oestrogen, which is essential for healthy and smooth skin and shiny hair. The estrogens are believed to play a part in maintaining stratum corneum (the outermost layer of the skin) barrier function and helping delay the loss of skin collagen.
This is especially evident as a woman approaches menopause. Her estrogen levels go down and this causes break down of the skin’s collagen, elastin and glycosaminoglycans thus causing sagging, wrinkling, and a loss of skin tone and elasticity. Loss of estrogen also causes the skin’s immunity and effectiveness as a protective barrier to decrease, which increases itching and sensitivity to environmental irritants resulting to an increase in fragility, acne breakouts, skin pigmentation, dryness and itch, or facial hair growth.
Estrogens are also said to maintain skin moisture by increasing acid mucopolysaccharides and hyaluronic acid in the skin. Hyaluronic acid provides volume and fullness to the skin minimising the formation of wrinkles.

The afterglow of sex is attributed to substances called serotonins that are released during sex. Dr Jim Pfaus, research psychologist at Concordia University in Montreal, says that serotonins create feelings of satiety, which are evident after a good meal or good sex, bringing relaxation and relieving stress.

On the other hand, sweat produced during sex cleanses the pores and makes the skin to glow, reducing the chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The body also becomes heated, helping harmful toxins out of the system. The mild exercise also helps boost circulation throughout the body including the face.

But before you jump between the sheets to improve your flagging complexion and wrinkles, the dermatologists and gynaecologist Instinct spoke to warned against the reports saying they were a falsehood. Dermatologists Bansil Saroop and Hoseah Waweru and gynaecologist David Kiragu all said that there was no evidence that a good romp in bed was good for your skin.

Experts also warn against the myth that semen is good for the skin. The proteins in semen are said to tighten the skin helping with wrinkles and the natural lipids, amino acids and prostaglandins are said to aid in skin repair and increase blood flow bringing in more nutrients to the to the skin. While it is true semen contains Semen small amounts of salt, vitamin D, protein, and fructose, there is no medical evidence that it does anything for the skin.

Conclusion: Nothing so wrong with good sex especially if it is in a loving relationship but just do not peg too much on it especially where your skin is concerned.

Priscilla is totally in love with Kenneth and keeps on pressuring him for marriage. Kenneth noncommittally promises to marry her- after he has found himself first. She is ready to wait for him as long as he wants though she feels ready to marry him at that moment and wonders why they have to wait. What is he waiting for her to become that she isn’t now? She is even ready to marry him even though he will not love her as much as she would want him to. (Madness). In two years of dating, he breaks up with her almost every week for fights over one issue- marriage, and Priscilla, like a lost poodle goes with this emotional rollercoaster hoping that each time it will last. Two weeks to the day he is supposed to propose (they have finally given themselves a deadline), he finally tells her that he does not loves her anymore. Priscilla is off course devastated. But she has to learn to let go of the man on whom she had pegged her hopes and dreams, and trust God for her future with or without Kenneth. The reader may not be as surprised that she finally does not marry Kenneth. Throughout her entries, it is obvious to everyone but her that something is seriously wrong with this relationship.

What is so gripping about this story is that it mirrors so many of our lives though we will not always admit of the desperation that often marks our love lives. We are grappling with relationships that are, clear to everyone but us, not working. We are living with men who do not respect our choices or us and treat us accordingly. We are daily making unwise choices without considering the effect they have on our present and future. It is the reason a woman will live with a man till he batters her to the grave. And the reason she will entertain his sleeping around until it also kills her. Or like Priscilla, we leave our hearts and emotions out in the open, to be trampled by anyone who cares. Reason? We do not value ourselves. Consequently we hook up with men who do not, cannot value us.

Priscilla puts is as thus: “Why did I continue to hang onto Kenneth so desperately? Why didn’t I seem to care whether or not the man I loved valued me as a priceless ruby? In retrospect, the answer is simple: I did not value myself highly enough to recognise that I deserved the kind of love a Christian man is supposed to have for a woman. Ken wasn’t even capable of loving me for six months straight. How could I have expected him to love me for a life time?”

Priscilla was settling for much less than she was worth. Because of the way Kenneth treated her, she came to view herself as thus- unworthy of a man’s love, replaceable, common as the grass. She downplayed her beauty, uniqueness, gifts and talents because one man did not acknowledge of them or treat her with dignity.

We so often make the same mistakes. We hang around the wrong kind of men who give us wrong tags and forever define us as thus. Resultantly we cannot see ourselves as anything else other than that. Have you ever noticed that if the man in your life calls you beautiful you feel beautiful and act beautiful? He calls you a tramp and treats you like one, and you cannot possibly understand why another man would see you as a queen. You feel like a tramp.

Self-discovery is among the most important things you will ever do as a woman. The moment you wait for your job, title, career, worse still your man to define you, you fall the risk of being thoroughly mishandled, and not just by a man. Of course you may be lucky to get a man (father, husband, friend) who sees you with the eyes of potential and lets you know it. Be grateful. But do not peg your life around that because when they are gone you will lose your identity. Find yourself.

The 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make: Finding your place in God’s Plan
Author: Pam Farrel
Paperback
256 pages
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Available: Most Christian Bookshops

Have you read or listened to those self help books and tapes, those ones that tell you that you can achieve anything; you are all powerful, the god of your universe; and six months later your self esteem is no better, just the opposite, because you have not achieved the results they promised?

In The Ten Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, author and motivation speaker Pam Farrel points out how every woman can be successful without being too hard on herself. Pam picks out the things that matter most to women, and the daily struggles they go through and applies God’s word to them, teaching women how to be authentic, be successful in each season, overcome obstacles, take good care of themselves, be daring and leave a legacy.

“The average woman today feels as though her life is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. There are lots of important pieces- she is even convinced there is a beautiful picture- but she is looking for the puzzle box lid because she is not sure where to start or what she is really aiming at,” she writes.

Her message is to the active woman who is frantically trying to balance all of life’s demands, trying to please those around her, but most of the time feeling as though she is always letting them down.
“Do you wonder if God is pleased with your life? Are you pleased with your life? Are you wondering, “Is this all there is to life?” Have you been pushing yourself headlong and are now wondering, “Why?” or “Was it worth it?” or may be you have just been drifting, doing the next thing that came along, and now you find yourself far downstream or off-course from the place you thought you’d be at this age or stage of life.”

And if you are wondering whether you are one of these women here are some pointers she gives:
•    Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the backseat of your car.
•    Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses
•    Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured Post-it Notes
•    You are excited when it is Saturday and you can wear sweats to work
•    You think half a day means living at five o’clock
•    You think it is more strategic to buy clean underwear and socks than try and find any in your kids rooms to wash
•    You think wining and whining should be used interchangeably
•    The purpose of make-up is so you can hide behind it
•    A bad hair day, a broken nail or a change in plans are the makings of a tragic epic suitable for a TV mini-series
•    Everything has to be approved by your girlfriend
•    Happiness to you is a goal or right

Much of what Pam shares is drawn from her experiences as a wife, mother to four sons and co-founder of Masterful Living, an organization that provides insights for personal relationships. The book is sprinkled with anecdotes most her own, that profoundly carry the message that every woman is precious in God’s eyes and that each woman should discover this value and live by it. Then she can gladly embrace God’s plan for her in confidence and stop drifting through life. The author emphasizes the need to tune out all the negative influences such as the fear of failure, fear of criticism and negative friends and instead concentrate on the truth of God’s word.
“ Because we all long for respect, we can fall into the false trap of looking in the wrong place for our affirmation. We cannot depend on our husband, children, friends, parents, or boss to give us the validation, affirmation and reassurance we are looking for. Even if we are surrounded by positive and affirming people, their words will help some, but they will still not fill the void in our hearts.”

The book has ten chapters, each expounding on the ten decisions. Each gives solid advice supported by scripture and then offers thought-provoking questions at the end. Each chapter is about 20 pages long, making it perfect for a time of reading each day. At the end of the book the author has presented a study guide and questions for those who want to study it in a small group.

In this book, readers will realise how precious they are to God, find a positive place to direct their creativity and energy, gain confidence regarding the value of their time and efforts, assess their strengths, weaknesses, skills and talents, and learn to stop pleasing people and start pleasing God.

Pam is the author of Fantastic After 40 and Woman of Influence and has co-authored with her husband Bill, other books such as Men are Like Waffles-Women are Like Spaghetti, The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make, Every Marriage Is a Fixer-Upper and Red-Hot Monogamy.

A big mistake we often make. The cases we have seen or heard of people who truly and genuinely love each other, yet can’t stop fighting or hurting each other, are many. Same case as people who believe they love each other but who will swear they will never get married to each other because there is no way they could survive with each other. The point- there is more that makes a marriage or relationship work than just deep hormone-instilled affection.

The problem would then have to do with love itself or our definition of it. However, since essentially there is nothing wrong with love in itself (I am actually a firm believer in the Biblical verse that says that love conquers all), the problem has to do with how we define what love is in our contemporary culture.

Various philosophers, writers and psychologists have defined different forms of love. There is eros, the romantic, sexual love; philia, the love of companionship and friendship; agape, the self giving love that goes on giving even when the other becomes unlovable, often paralleled to the unconditional love of God.

The problem that many people make is depending on the romantic attraction they have for their partner to determine the direction of a relationship. Romance is simply about feelings- how I see you and how that makes me react. Such feelings in themselves depend on our perceptions and circumstances and are very fickle. They are the ones that will initially bring you together but they will never form the basis for building a strong and meaningful relationship since we cannot always influence how others perceive us, or the circumstances under which they do that. Such a love gives rise to such statements as: “I no longer love him,” “I do not feel the same way about him anymore,” or “ I am in love with another woman.” Love did not die. The feelings died. The feeling of “being in love” evaporated because something that had prompted it changed.

In order for your love to last longer, beyond the dry patches when she is no longer as beautiful as you once saw her, or when even the financial charm you saw in him has been soured by his temper, then all three types of love need to intentionally co-exist. You have to work at actively incorporating all three in your relationship.

Bursting the myths we carry around about attraction and love, Dean Sherman, author of Love, Sex and Relationships points out that romantic love is usually single in focus and under the control of the participant. “ Have you ever noticed that you are not romantically attracted to five people at the same time? Sometimes you might be attracted to a couple of people for a very short time but the tussle in your heart doesn’t last long and one person emerges as the one you are interested in,” he writes.
The fact that romantic attraction is under the control of the participant means that attractions are not beyond our control. As he writes, “ You do not have to be in love with anybody. This notion that love is something that hits us is a lie.”
Sherman though adds that the romantic attraction is directed, not initiated, by our will. What we have to do is decide whether or not to pursue the object of our affection.

The flip side of that is that we do not have to fall out of love. Sherman insists that love is not an “it” that we fall into and which can leave us any time. “There are times in most romantic relationships when we will have to remind ourselves to stay in love with the person we have chosen. Feelings come and go. Sometimes we can feel head over heels about our spouse, and other times everything seems dull. But if we stay committed through the dull times, the feelings of love return,” he writes.

Such is the time that philia and agape love play the biggest role in holding the relationship intact. Phileo love is about friendship and partnering. It is the thing that you see in another person that draws you to be their friend. But even this can fade as it depends on characteristics we like in our partners, which bind us together. Agape and philia flourish the eros.

Agape love comes out as most key kind of loving you will ever give your partner, primarily because you will love them even when they do not deserve it. This love will not give ultimatums and conditions because it is generated by a greater cause, that of wanting the best for the other person no matter the personal cost. This kind of love does not just happen. You make it happen. Loving becomes a personal act commitment, of being sympathetic and thoughtful, of giving with no thought of receiving. The difficult part is that agape loving is not easy and goes against the whole grain of our essence. Human beings by their very nature are selfish. It takes another strength to put another human being’s needs and happiness above your own. That is not to say it cannot be done. In fact that is the only hope you have for a lasting, meaningful relationship and marriage.

This man (had to be) like so many other people considers tears the greatest sign of weakness a man or a woman can ever show. American business magnate, author, editor and homemaking advocate Martha Stewart in her NBC Apprentice television show said this to a female contestant who said she felt like crying after her team lost a flower-selling contest
“Cry and you are out of here,” Ms. Stewart said. “Women in business don’t cry, my dear.”

Tears are frowned upon so badly in some of our African cultures that a sniffling, whimpering man will be told off as a sissy. But while we gladly accept that it is not interesting for a would-be president of the United States to break down into tears in front of the world, or for a company CEO to rush out of a high profile meeting in sobs, it is an established fact that women cry a lot, much more than men. And the tears are as varied as the reasons. Sometimes they will be little sniffles behind mops of tissue, other times they are bucket loads and rivers, other times just a little misty eyed moment especially after something they consider “sweet”, happens.
A little boy asked his mother why she was crying. She replied, “Because I am a woman.” “I do not understand,” he said. His mom just hugged him and said, “and you never will.” When the boy asked the father the same question, all the dad could say was, “ all women cry for no reason.”

May be he was right. Women cry when they are happy and when they are sad. When they are tired and when they are overcome with joy. They will cry at a friend’s wedding, at a baby shower, at a funeral, because a project went bad, because a colleague told them off, because they broke a heel, and other times, just because they feel like a good cry. Look at this excerpt from a poem I came across that explains why women cry:

We cry because our toe hurts
We cry because our friends hurt
We cry because of our heart hurt by the ones we love the most
We cry because we are mensing and our hormones are in charge
We cry because our butt is small… or is it way too large???

We cry because our parents tried to tell us what they knew
We cry because we didn’t listen now life tells us what to do
We cry because we’re parents now and want to give our children more
We cry because our children have no clue of what’s in store

We cry because we don’t know why
And sometimes we don’t care
We cry because God says we can and He put those feelings there…

More specifically, here are the reasons why women cry:

Genuine emotion
Anger, frustration, stress, happiness, sadness, beauty, all will make us turn on the water works. That is why we love those chick flicks that make us go “wuuuiye” and “wow.” Pretty Woman, A Walk to Remember and The Notebook fall in that list.
And that is why a motorist splashing mud all over her on a Monday morning will send her to sobs. Men will hardly cry because they are angry. The good part about having a good cry is that you feel better after it. A lot of women confess to feeling less stressed or frustrated after a crying bout. It released the pressure on the mind and heart that can be numbing.  Does it have anything to do with why women live longer?

The greatest cause for tears especially at the work place, according to findings of Psychology graduate Yasmine Yaghmour, is the feeling of helplessness, lack of control over work and unfair treatment. Many women remember crying or wanting to cry at some point in their careers, especially when they were starting out. The study showed that emotional displays by women at work tended to be in response to situations of power, control and justice.
Ms Yaghmour said, “Women feel embarrassed and ashamed when they succumb to tears at work for fear of appearing weak or incompetent to colleagues or customers, they feel it reinforces a negative female stereotype.”

At such times, what a woman needs is to feel heard, understood and supported.
NB: If you feel the tears coming up during a talk with your partners, clients, bosses or colleagues, put on your sunglasses, excuse yourself and go mop in the toilet. Most people, even the women, will not view the tears in your favour. It is seen as unprofessional and a sign of weakness or irrationality. You do not want that marring your career.

Hormones
Whether it is adolescence, PMS, pregnancy, post-partum depression (baby blues), menopause or just being a woman, hormones have a way of wreaking havoc in a woman’s life. Once in a while we will just find we are working ourselves into a melancholy mood for a good long cry just because we feel like it. Call it marinating in our hormones but like the poem says, that is the way God made us. . Better out than in. Caution me; the worst thing you can do at such a time is slight her tears, unless you can deal with the wrath that will follow.

Manipulation
Here is a headline appearing on the daily mail of 6th February 2008: Tears are every woman’s most powerful and manipulative weapon, but can Hillary weep her way to the White House?
“Women’s weapons, water-drops,” said Shakespeare’s King Lear, later echoed by Spencer Tracy in Adam’s Rib: “A few female tears, stronger than any acid.”
From a young age, women have learnt that even the strongest of men will baulk at the sight of tears. One condom advert had a baby screaming in a supermarket for sweets. This had the dad so embarrassed, he bought the sweets. But the little kid had learnt the art of manipulation. Who says when they grow up they will have any qualms on trying the same tactics on a boyfriend, a boss or a traffic cop?

That is not to say men do not cry. They will certainly tear up after a Manchester United loses to Chelsea at home. And at the end of the movie Gladiator when Maximus dies, with his honour intact. Or during the movie Brian’s Song, when Gayle Sayres says, “I love Brian Piccolo and I’d like all of you to love him too. And so, tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him”. They will also bawl at their mother’s funeral or a friend’s sick bed and once in a while, because some girl broke their heart.  But you are unlikely to find a man rushing out of an exam room in tears because they are afraid they will fail, or running to the washrooms because the boss was rude.

Apart from the cultural connotations associated with tears, it has been found that there are physical and hormonal reasons that make women more prone to breaking down into torrents. Researcher William Frey says that girls and boys cry about the same amount of times until they reach age twelve. By the time they are eighteen, women cry on average four times more than men. The hormone Prolactin present in the mammary glands and responsible for lactation is also found in the blood and in tear glands. Boys and girls have the same level of Prolactin until age twelve when the amount in girls gradually rises. By the time they are eighteen, they have sixty percent more than boys.

Men’s and women’s tear glands are also anatomically different, as are the tears. Women’s tear ducts are shaped a little differently from men’s, which could be either a cause or an effect of increased crying [Source: New York Times]. Dr Frey’s research also shows that when men cry, their tears do not give away as opposed to women whose crying episodes involve runaway tears down the cheeks probably confirming the joke you will often hear from men, “We cry inwards.”

Depressed people may cry four times as much as people who are not depressed. According to Psychology Today two-thirds of people diagnosed with depression are women.

Like Carol Sarler the writer of the Daily Mail article, Hillary or any other woman should not hide their tears no matter how plaintive the indignation of men or the feminists is. We cry because God says we can and He put those feelings there…

Prominent women define “having it all” and give examples of those among them they think fit in that definition and why

Ever since the birth of the feminist movement, women have fought for their turf. They have to a larger extent fought successfully for equal pay, employment rights, equal treatment and more. Today, the woman is not only at par with the alternative gender, but is in some instances steps ahead.
As a result, women have come to define their lot in terms of “has it all” and “going there”. Some women are christened “diva” (as derived from the Italian word ‘diva’ meaning “goddess” or “fine lady”) while others are hardly spoken about. And even among the young, there is that insatiable desire to make it in life. Some young lady is always busy reading a “how to…”, “10 ways to…”, “15 reasons why…” book and websites at one time or another, and shaping their lives according to a certain “model” of  whom they think “has it all”.
We are always trying to reach greater heights in our emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, career and financial spheres. But then, what is the “it” that we are always trying to reach? Is it achievable? How? Does it even exist or are we just chasing a phantom?
We spoke with a few women, some of whom are thought to have it all, others who know they have it all, and others that are still reaching out for “it”, to find out what their views on “having it all” are.

Ms Esther Arunga
KTN News Anchor

“I do not think there is a universal description of a woman who has it all. It varies from woman to woman. For example, Oprah Winfrey may consider herself as having it all, but someone will argue she doesn’t just because she does not have a husband and children. A housewife may believe she has it all because she has a loving husband, great kids and a beautiful home, but a career woman may believe the housewife doesn’t because she does not make her own money. It depends on a woman’s personal goals and ambitions.
“A woman who has it all has achieved her major goals and ambitions. From the outside looking in, the only way one can gauge whether another woman has it all is whether the woman looks content and happy – genuinely happy with her life, that is, not looking like she has just settled with what she has. Though such women may be sobbing into their pillows all night long, in public, they look content. They don’t pull ridiculous stunts for attention purposes (read, Britney Spears), they are doing what they love to do.
Names: Despite her yo-yo weight issues, to me, Oprah Winfrey has it all.
What holds women back: The society’s gross- underestimation of the female potential, capacity and ability.”

Ms Anastanzia Wakesho (Stacey)
Chair, Domestic Tourism Council of Kenya

Pic By Martin Mukangu

“A woman who has it all is courageous, able to fight it out in a male dominated field, selfless and brave.
Names: Ms Esther Passaris and myself.
What holds women back: Fear of the unknown. Everybody is able to be such a woman. But understand that you do not succeed alone. You need someone or some power backing you up. For me it is my belief in God.”

Amina Abdallah

Kanu Nominated MP

“A woman who has it all? (Thinks) Is there one? If you have chumms (money) you don’t have a spouse, if you have a spouse, he is beating you up…

I would say she has to be financially independent, be in emotionally benefiting relationships, have a balanced family and be spiritually okay. There is never perfection in anything.

Names: Mama Nyiva Mwendwa and the MD of Skynet Express, Ms Jane Babsa. These are people who are rich enough in their heart, have confidence in their achievements and they wish good for others.
What holds women back: Poor education, fear and cultures that discourage women. If you are not fearful you will work around issues even when culture discourages you.”

Mrs Joyce Kibet

Life skills coach and motivational speaker with Lady Appeal
“She has her life goals, is on target about meeting them and is seeking balance. Most women look for satisfaction. They should seek to balance things in their lives rather than seeking to satisfy everything. When you try to have it all, you end up frustrated. She may not have accomplished everything but is on track getting there.
Names: Can’t think of any at the moment.

What holds women back: Situations outside of themselves – most women have more hurdles to jump than men. Then within them there are fears; they look down upon themselves.
Women are also emotionally oriented rather than reason oriented. This may not always work for them.
When we see a woman who has achieved, we forget where they have come from. We need to find out what they have been through to arrive there. It takes a lot of perseverance. If we persevere we can have it all. Our problem is that we want it now.”

Ms Njoki Ndung’u

Former legislator, lawyer, gender activist

“I don’t have it all. It is all a balancing act. A woman who has it all has to be fulfilled a) at a personal level, b) at a global level.

At a personal level, she has to be fulfilled mentally, physically and spiritually. Her mind, soul and body need to be fulfilled.

At a global level, this is how she relates with her environment, how people around her live. She avoids negative karma and engages the positive. I do not like staying around negative people. They have walls of darkness about them – envy, jealousy…
There is goodness in helping other people succeed.
She needs to be financially independent and have a stable family.

Names: Muthoni Likimani. She was able to achieve so much when the glass ceiling was not open for women, and she is generous.

Gina Din. She has personality and is gracious.
Rahab Karoki  (a friend). She has worked so hard to get where she is now.
Esther Passaris
What holds women back: Unequal status in society. Women are treated as second-class citizens. The culture and the legal framework, discriminates against the woman.”

Ms Esther Passaris
Businesswoman, former MD of Adopt-A-Light and founder of One in a Million
“When a woman has it all, she knows that when she dies today, everything will be the same. Kenya is unsettled and poverty is at its highest rate. We are a nation of consumers where there is stagnant infrastructure and little investment. You cannot say you have it all and ignore your surroundings.
Having it all involves job satisfaction, having a healthy family, resources to spend, a country that is where it should be and progressing and being aware of poverty and problems that surround us.
A woman who has it all should be at peace with herself as child of God, be a part of the solution to the problems, have qualities that make her Creator happy, doesn’t live a lie and should have a good set of values to live by.
She should be in balanced relationships, have children, be financially stable, live in a safe environment and be happy with the community/country progression.
Life is made of eight legs:
1.    Financial wellbeing- No.6
2.    Family (love and commitment)- No.1
3.    Spiritual wellbeing- No.3
4.    Educational background- No.4
5.    Productivity- No.5
6.    Neighbours- No.7
7.    Country- No.8
8.    Security (emotional and physical well being)- No.2
It is impossible to have it all because life wasn’t made to be perfect. But it is possible to capture many precious moments.
A person who has it all is the one who does the best with what they have.
In 2002, I thought I had it all. In 2008, I feel I don’t. And it is not because of losing the mayoral election. It is because our country is in such a mess.
At some point in life you have it all, other times you do not. You have it all when you compare yourself with the worst, when you have more happy moments than sad ones, depending with how you deal with the positive than the negative.
Names: The last Mother Theresa, Wangari Maathai, the late Princess Diana. Diana – her charity, marriage and birth. Oprah Winfrey – she has dealt with rape, is rich, has a steady boyfriend, is comfortable with herself and is touching so many lives.

The problem that we make is that we end up growing up too fast before our time. We later realise we missed out on so much and the urge then is to either get frozen in time or try to go back. Many of us do, not without consequences. A common scenario may be an old woman who is unable to gracefully let go of youth. She continues to scramble for kiddie clothes and younger men to maintain that feeling.

One girl whose name I will omit just did that, to the consternation and maybe trauma of many. At the age of 16, she decided she was too in love to live without her boyfriend. She hurriedly did her class eight exams –performed not too well, if I may add- and in the same huff, moved in with her boyfriend. Less than nine months later, she was a mother, wife and well looking it.

What is so wrong with that? A lot. But I would have forgiven it had she stuck with it. But five years later (I am surprised it took so long), she finally ditched the family and went back to her mama’s house. Her husband has already cheated on her enough times, even had had a child with another girl. At 21, she already knew the trauma of a broken marriage and was now a single mother of a five year old. She could counsel you on bringing up a toddler, living with a stepchild, handling mother-in-law spurts, dealing with a cheating and abusive spouse, all from experience. Talk of growing up before your time!

The last time I saw her, she had slowly started reclaiming her youth, and though still a beautiful girl, you could see the lessons of the years in her eyes. I hope she will dump her pride and go back to school. But even if she doesn’t, I am sure the lesson nature taught has not been wasted on her.

“Do not hurry up life,” wisdom I wish she would have listened to. It reminds me of an email I received along time ago about the way we cannot wait to progress to the next stage in life- we can’t wait to go to school, move to the next grade, finish high school, go to college, graduate, start dating, get engaged, marry, have kids, see them start school, graduate, move out- the suddenly it hits us: we have grown old, are bound for the grave and we were in such a hurry to go to the next phase in life we forgot to live.

Life really is too short to waste doing all the wrong things. But then again, that is the only way many of us seem to learn. Another naïve girl told me the other day that she would be a fool to keep on repeating the mistakes others have done in the past. She should be able to learn from them and if she has to mess up, then it would have to be in an undiscovered territory. Save from pointing that no mistake has yet not been done by man, I reminded her that knowing the right thing to do does not necessarily stop you from doing the wrong thing, even when the consequences are staring you in the face. Often the thrill of the moment is just too great, you do not really care you are making the same mistakes others have made for ages before you.

This will not necessarily impel you to make better decisions. Our words of caution to the young wife hit brick walls. May be she did not see how we could possibly understand how in love they were, how perfect they were for each other and how ready she was for the path she had undertaken. May be she did, and still dared to take the risk. I might never know. I hope like girl no.2, we really do not have to learn from the school of hard knocks. One story of a girl in Argentina who even after giving birth to four kids by age fifteen and the local authorities moving to give her land and a house, still went ahead to get triplets a year later. At 16, she is a mother of seven. For her even experience quite lost its lesson on her.

There is an Internet joke about a store that has husbands for sale. The store has six floors and the attributes of the men increase as a shopper ascends the flights. By the time the shopper is on the fifth floor, the deal is already too good. The men there have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. One particular shopper goes on to the sixth floor and there finds a sign that reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

The bit about women being impossible to please- I don’t know, but one thing I know is that if such a store exists, then all the women who have walked on this planet would have gone through there at one point of their lives, shopping list in hand, with the majority finding themselves on the sixth floor, and still hoping to find that perfect man who fills their dream.
Forget women’s fascination with the bad-boy-cum-jerk phenomenon. Deep inside, all women are longing for that man who will treat them like the queens they believe they are, and any man who even comes close to such a description will find himself in very high demand.

But do perfect men exist? At 29, and still single, Rosemary is a wiser woman than she was a few years ago. She has been searching for Mr. Right, and so far he seems not to be in Kenya. There is a story of a man who went all over the world searching for Mrs. Right. When he finally found the woman who perfectly fit the description he was looking for, she told him that she was also out searching for Mr. Right and it sure wasn’t him.

We all have ideals of the kind of partners we think we need. Women in particular have been known to go through their search for lifetime partners armed with a shopping list of ‘have to’ and ‘absolutely not’ characteristics. Funny, financially stable, five feet tall, dark and handsome… Some, have, amidst the rubble, unearthed their gem. Many women will testify to having kissed enough frogs hoping that hidden beneath was the prince who would match them to the sunset, only to discover that WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) is not just for desktop publishing. It can also apply to men.

Not every woman will be lucky to find the man who maps her childhood mental beau. And even when she is ready to give him time to grow up and style up under her tutelage, many realize that a man may not be that ready to be molded and adapted into whatever shape she wants him to. That does not mean that there are no men who will be forever grateful for the role the women in their lives have played to transform them (and their houses) from the resulting state due to bachelorhood.

Ditching a list though does not mean giving up any standards and facing life with an empty slate and open mind. Wisdom tells that if you do not know what you want, then when it comes you will not recognize it and you will settle for anything. It rather means being open to the mysterious, unpredictable nature of love. A list may more than often hold you being a self-preservation tool, knowing full well no one will ever fulfill it.

So what is so wrong with settling for nothing but the best? We cannot begrudge these women, who often have had experiences of being shortchanged on what they got at the end of their wedding night, or whatever variation we have made of that.
“I always had too much faith in men but they always disappointed me. I am yet to meet a man who makes me happy. I am starting to think he does not exist,” says Rosemary.

We can try and understand their plight as they search of the perfect man, only too discover that he will never come with all the trappings you need him to and even when he does, often the packaging is all so wrong you may fail to recognise him. It is only those who have the patience to scour beneath the mismatched clothes, the nose-mining fingers, loud belching, the funny accent, the weird hairstyle and body odour problem, who may brandish their had earned trophy of frog-turned prince.

As the passionate pursuit for the beau to sweep her off her feet intensifies, more women realize that they have run full circle, have reached that stage when age is approximated- downwards, and are still to find their nest to roost. May be this should be the time women should get back to themselves and gauge how they rate as partners before they can rate others.

This though is not to discourage all those women who are armed with a list of ‘have-to’ and ‘absolutely-not’ characteristics of the man who will keep them warm in old age (if it lasts that long).
The sad fact at the end of the day is that perfect men never existed and if they did, they went extinct a number of millennia ago.
“I realized men will never be exactly how I want them. And neither will I be what they want. It is about being patient with him and him with you,” says Rosemary.

For even when you think you found him, you will find that he comes more in raw material form, and it is only hard work and persistent belief and faith in him that will give you what you have been searching for. Perfection does not create a perfect bond, love does. And the fun is not in getting there, it is in the journey of growth and transformation for the two of you.