To all the heart breakers

It is 2008 and you are tired of being single, of always going wrong when it comes to women. You want to know why wherever you go, you leave behind a string of broken female hearts, why all girls think you are a jerk. Why even after there has been so much hope, somehow you always end up getting the boot or being relegated to the classic category of ‘just friends’. From some of my experiences and the tales of my very disappointed girl pals, here are some of the reasons that drive women away or keep them away.

Some of the greatest heartbreakers are guys who know what they want, but are not sharp enough to realise that human beings are generally so selfish, they will always be thinking of what gain there is for them. It is not enough that you have fallen in love with her. She has to be sufficiently convinced that there is some short term or long term gain for her to give you her eartime or heart. This applies for both male and female. Each party needs to feel that the entrance of the other party will make their life better and not cause them any inconvenience or pain. Even if love was in the picture, we still want the best for ourselves.

The other side of that is guys who do not know what they want. They hang around like a shadow, sometimes more useful than the shadow, but still a pain. Their problem is that they do not say what it is they want. This is the category that Nicholas Asego was mourning about a few weeks ago in the “Our World” page; guys who do everything right but never take the final plunge. The simple logic here is that since they are not responding in any of the right ways, they are not attracted to her. Or they are so selfish, they want to hold on to what they have while waiting for something better to show up. No woman wants to be the interim soul soother while he waits for his Cinderella. Talking of response, guys who never call when they said they would, who forget dates, who have a way of keeping you at an arm’s length when you were wishing you could count their heart beats, nay, no.

There are other simple reasons why a woman will dodge your proposals like a rattrap. Like you are married. Or her best friend has a crush on you.  Or she is not physically attracted to you. She does not feel you. She does not connect with you. Relationships are about a lot of things. Most of all they are about sexuality. We know cases of love developing out of nothing. But when women have the choice, they want a man who makes their blood run warmer and their heartbeats faster. They want to feel attracted to you (not just your wallet) because they know a lot of times they will need that passion to keep the relationship alive.

Another reason: she thinks you are stingy. You are not generous with your time, compliments, love and money. She has to arm-twist you to spend quality time with her. Your space, your job, your mother, football, and your friends own your heart and she has to lodge out one of them whenever she wants to be near you. She only has so much mental energy!

Life is about you and you and you. You use and dump until next time. She is just like trash. No matter how hard she tries to impress you, be in your good books, keep you, it is never enough. She will never do anything right and the harder you can trample on her self esteem to make her belief it is her fault and she is not worthy of another man, the better it makes you feel. You cannot hold a decent fight. Somehow you end up hitting below the belt with underhand remarks about her mother, her waist, her job or her culinary skills.
No woman wants a man who brings out and points out the worst in her. You need to be avoided like Ebola.

You are reckless and cannot bear responsibility. You left your last girlfriend when she was seven months pregnant and do not even know whether the kid is a boy or girl, your personal hygiene needs a makeover, you cannot pay your bills, you are doing drugs, you still live off your mother and now think you can live off her, your ID reads you are 35 years old but you still wear anything 50 Cent, you think blacking out in a ditch is cool – dude, wake up. Your life is a disaster and no sister needs to come clean you up. Do it yourself.

You are an emotional basket case. Everything in life overwhelms you. Everything is everybody’s fault but your own. Your boss and colleagues hate you. You are still haunted by the father who abused you. Your neighbours suck. You are still so attached to your ex that everyday of her life your new girl has to live with that ghost, or try to measure up to it. Dating you is no fun and she has no precedence in your life. Why shouldn’t she hit the road at the first clear sign?
If you still think you are everything that is right but luck seems to be dodging your heart then just relax. May be the girls are so used to the bad boys around, your goodness looks suspect. With time they will realise that you are for real

The guy Rules

Some post I came acroos on the Internet. Veeery nice.
The Guys’ Rules

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down and we can get their side of the story- I must admit, it’s pretty good.
Since this came from an email, I cannot very certainly tell who the author is but the mind is male, no disputing. And so goes the bitter pill. (annotations, my own)

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered “1”
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers. ( We learnt that a long time ago. We just get tired of repeating things over and over and hope you will just read our minds)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. (May be this is where carrying our cross comes in. )

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. ( So long as you see it elsewhere and leave the DVD player all to us and the girls)

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. (We can make a compromise- pay for the shopping and you can go watch football while we shop)

1. Crying is blackmail. (At least something has to make things work)

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! (But promise you will not say we are nagging)

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. (Are you sure? Whatever you say can and will be used against you)

1…………… Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. (No disputing that, but we will not guarantee your solution will be used)

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor. ( Ever heard of preventive cures?)

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. (it will have to take more to delete that from our memory)

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ‘s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one. (you bet)

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. (?)

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. (Cook can also be done during commercials)

1. Christopher Columbus did  NOT  need directions and neither do we. (ever heard of the joke about the Israelites going round the desert for forty years because Moses couldn’t ask for directions?)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. ( we had quite figured that out).

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. (Ouuh!)

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. (Now we know)

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. (Really?)

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, cars,  the shotgun formation, or  football.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape! (You bet)

1. Sex in the morning is a good way of saying “ I love you”.

1……………. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;  But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

And that is the way the cookie crumbles. The list could have been added- I know the men are already adding entries- and the ladies are huffing, but that enough said. I already have enough enemies.

Playing by men’s rules

I am here to primarily burst the bubble of all the free-thinking women out there. No  matter how far cultural changes and education have propelled us, some things about men never change. The faster you appreciate that and learn to work with it, the easier life will be for you- and him.

The most basic (like in reptilian) is that men like women in skirts. Time is long gone when wearing trousers was a sign of liberation, but men still want their women looking feminine and nothing does it better than a dress or skirt. Go ahead and get the wraps- and grow some hair.

He knows he is expected to call. If he does not it is because he does not want to. Get a life instead of sitting by the phone hoping every call is from him. Easier said than done- I know. You can flaunt that and call him- it will not earn you much. But it can be a good diversion for a boring Saturday night.

If he is taking you out, he takes care of the bills. Unless you are out to settle scores, or it was your treat, do not insist on splitting the bills. And if he wants that, do it graciously and kiss him goodbye after that. He is not worth the airtime. Who wants mean genes?

Love it or hate it, but ladies, men expect you to obey them. Bitter pill, but submission is not just for Christian wives- it is a world standard for a happy home. So do not tell the pastor to edit out the “to love and to obey” part from your wedding vows. It will save you from having an index of your ex-husbands. And he knows he is the leader of the home so he expects you to obey and follow him. Caution here though: You are priviliged to use most of your brain at once that is why you can multitask so easily- trust your instincts.

Closer home, your desire will be for your husband. Forget polygamy. You can only marry one man at a time. And you can only love so many before losing all capacity for love, and you are back to creating indexes for your ex-husbands. Men will do “foolish” things like marry a second wife, if you want to do the “stupid” thing of being the second wife, that is up to you.

If he says it is Lokichogio, even if you grew up in Statehouse, he expects you to happily relocate and settle with his kin. It is not that hard. Many of us have the gift of goodbye. Learning his local language will sure save you a lot of trouble. His church also goes in most cases, so make sure he is not a devil worshipper.

There are traditional male and female roles. You can go ahead and mow the lawn and trim the branches but even he is obviously better in the kitchen than you, he still expects you to make meals. And meals here, does not stand for tea and toasted bread. And do not even point out that you both contribute to making the house dirty. Actually that is not fair- who drags muddy shoes and dumps dirty socks under the couch- but woman, thou shall keep the house clean even if you have to subcontract that to a housegirl.
I wish there was a way we could share the baggage of carrying babies or at least half the pain at childbirth. But so long as he is the man in the house, he to a large extent decides how many babies you are going to have. Unless you get a tubal ligation behind his back- and for that, brace up for a long fight.

It is obvious some men are shy. Others are a bit slow. But resist the temptation to propose unless bad gets to worse. He might think it is sweet for a while but men are just- men. And it is no fun when you are buying your own ring.

This cliché remains true even in this age: behind every successful man is a successful woman. If you do not help him reach his potential, some other woman will. Get the point.

Do not try to compete with him. You may be better than him on most fronts but do not push it in so hard. He would like to believe that no matter your doctorate, he is till your hero. And yeah, he is already having enough trouble maintaining his position in the male hierarchy without you tearing down at his ego.

Lastly, he loved you because of who you are- a woman. Gentleness, kindness, a supportive and nurturing spirit are some of the marks of a woman. Do not try to trade that for masculinity. Glory in the woman you are. It is not feminist (my quack advice too), it is playing by the rules.

A girl by design

“What has happened to your eyes?” Joe asked.
“What?” Karen panicked turning to her bag to retrieve a mirror.
“The eyelids. They are purple.” Joe continued.
“So?” Karen’s tone turned to sarcastic.
“I don’t know. It looks…” and Joe knew he was going to pay the price for his ignorance.

I cannot blame him though. For a guy who has not grown up around girls, how else was he supposed to know that eyelids, eyebrows, cheeks, name it, can adapt to whatever colour we chose to let them and that was none of his business. And next time he had any bland questions, he could result to boy gangs commentaries or better still, hit Google for objectivity’s sake.

A while later Joe got his chance to grouse.
“Women are so trivial. No wonder they take forever getting ready to get out of the house.”
Trivial. That is taking the wrong angle. Specific is more of it, but even that does not quite do us justice.
Blame our genetic coding but we also cannot explain the impulse to buy endless pairs of shoes we will not wear. Did I hear correct that the current trend is collecting designer shoes? Museum shoes will be more like it.
And like Joe and his counterparts will have discovered, we are masters at exterior design. We effectively co-work with our Creator and reinforce, in front of a mirror, what He saw when He said “we are fearfully and wonderfully made”. With appropriate lighting, we can even be fit to appear on Prime Time TV. Next time, believe your buddies advice: when it comes to women, what you see is not what you get.
We are a resultant weird (for lack of a better word) combination of our mamas advice, our girlfriends opinions, Carol Wahome’s fashion tips, Oprah-****- half clones and a wee bit of our own original sense of fashion. And even that is subject to budgetary factors, determining whether we will end up with a GUCCI or CUCCI.

We cannot explain even to ourselves, our fascination with stilettos that kill our backs, pointed toes that give us prize bunions and polythene suits in weird (that word again) colours. I am trying not to think about that spaghetti-strap top that is a Friday-night wear come rain or hail.
And shouldn’t someone put it straight in our men’s minds that we never dress up for them? We know they like what they see (unlike us who see what we like) but that short jeans skirt just looks good on me so I thought, why not? And if my boobs are spilling out of my kid-size top, so what?

I am not to blame for the size of my rear and front. It is therefore not a compliment, as men will presume, to ogle, worse still, to drool at them.
Back to essentials. What is wrong with taking two hours in the bathroom? At least we do show up there. And the mirror, having been invented so long ago with inspiration from reflections in a pond or river, should not lose its function.

We are not sorry our makeup costs more than we dare acknowledge. But someone has to keep the cosmetics industry running.
And to put records straight, until we can swear by his bank balance, we will have to tag along all our girlfriends (ok, three is a good compromise) on dates. We need the security incase he is a weirdo. It is also a good time to test his generosity strain and conversational skills. Let no one begrudge us, if like cats, we have an affinity for the finer things in life, especially when we are not footing the bill. It is not gold digging. It is wisdom Vs survival instinct. Why crawl when you can stand on someone’s shoulders?

Giggling does not mean we are shallow. It is just a combi-label for our sex and age. It says we are finding whatever is going on hilarious or are trying to and with an original joke, we could even give a genuine laugh.

Gone are the days when men thought all women empty between the ears. So while we will not try to impress the world with our Mensa IQs and our hardworking nature, we still will not mind if they respect our job titles instead of thinking we slept our way to the top. And while we are on that topic, being a single girl does not automatically qualify you for “hunter’s list”. As research has confirmed, greater things than how to satisfy men’s whims run in our cerebrums.

Finally, let the men accept that they were asleep when we were being created. They will never quite figure us out.

YES WE LOVE ATTENTION

This rather long list of what turns on the charm in women ran in Crazy Monday a few weeks ago. To make a woman happy a man only needs to be: A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master, a chef, an electrician, a carpenter, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a stylist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, a good father, very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, gallant, intelligent, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable, passionate… without forgetting to: give her compliments regularly, love shopping, be honest, be very rich, not stress her out, not look at other girls; and at the same time he must also: Give her lots of attention, but expect little himself, give her lots of time, especially time for herself, give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes, never to forget birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.

On the other hand the list for making a man happy had only one entry: Leave him alone. There is no denying the list was a bit lopsided but it is not a secret women love attention and can be quite hard when it comes to making demands. One of the worst things you can do to them is ignore them. Their attention seeking will go from simple flirting to exclusivity and monogamy claims, sometimes to the more outrageous drama queen syndrome and in extreme cases to jealous wives scalding lovers.

Attention seeking could be as old as man himself. One theory goes that it started in the Garden of Eden when God told the woman that her desire would be only for her husband, and him, instead of responding to that, would lord it over her. Another one says that an attentive male is likely to stick around and foster a family after mating. A woman will therefore seek to feel important and loved in a relationship prior to engaging in physical intimacy to guarantee the survival of the species.

Whatever the case, attention makes women feel good. They will go out of their way to get noticed, complimented, be treated nice and exclusive, have things done for them, pampered, spoiled, ooohed and aaahed over, be won over, too much like cats- a parallel our own Nicolas Asego could try working on next time. If being a woman is not enough to guarantee this, then ploys (some of these men so frustrating or silly) come to work.

Anything therefore that competes with her for attention is immediately blacklisted. Football definitely features on that list. A lot of women hate football. I do. My reasons may have more to do with pure rebellion-men love it so I go the other way- than a logical reason but the football widows around will vouch for that. It is no fun being sidelined for the screen, knowing that the Premier League is more important to his calendar than you. Last Saturday, I happened to be in a very female setting during the Man-U vs Arsenal game. Not only was the channel changed the moment the game started (too bad for me who wanted to keep tab of the scores), but the frequent roars from the bar across the street did a lot to upset my fellow female folks. Football demands total attention from the man and staying up (and out) in the night is a misdemeanour they can live with. Few women can try competing with that and to make things easier they learn to enjoy the game plus its rules; cram the clubs names plus those of the players, coaches and referees (ouch) and know the schedules. Yeah, and get along with his game-watching cronies.

Not all men love their jobs. But most of them realize that they do need the job, at least for an income. But woe unto the woman who has a workaholic for her man. Unless she is also one, then there is no end to the bargains both of them will have to make and I am no prophet of doom here, but she will have to understand that she comes after his work- real tough.

The other nearly unbeatable attention competitor will have to be his mother- especially if he is a mamma’s boy. No denying the linkages that exist between mothers and sons, but a man who cannot sever those for the woman in his life is one serious cause of heartache in the home. As I said, women love attention. Competing for that with another woman has to be a near killer. Oh, how could I forget: mistresses, clandes, and any other woman with the sights on your man can easily fall here. They may not do much damage but they will take a good chunk of your airtime.

The debate on cars is not that convincing- until you mess up with his latest wheels. Then you understand why some men will refer to their cars as their babes.

Booze and the boys come last but not because they are of the least influence. They could actually be the number one offenders. Of course his friends were there before you showed up. They will be there after you are long gone and forgotten. They represent brotherhood and probably, the less roller-coaster side of his life. They will often come first, before you. Learn to live with that or make his world revolve around you- and do not break his heart after he has ditched the boys for you.

Seeking attention though should not get to the point where one thrives on it. It misses and you wilt. Giving attention on the other hand should not mean being clingy and needy neither should it mean being predictable and boring, a poodle at her beck and call.

For the man who wants to up his game, it is a small –ok not so small- bargain that can only work to improve the relationship. Only that individuality and freedom should not be lost in the giving.