FINDING YOURSELF

In one of the books I have read and loved recently, (A Jewel in His Crown: Rediscovering your Value as a Woman of Excellence) Priscilla Shirer in one of the chapters recounts of a tumultuous relationship with her long time boyfriend Kenneth. In diary style, she writes of the struggles of trying to maintain a relationship that is certainly not working.

Priscilla is totally in love with Kenneth and keeps on pressuring him for marriage. Kenneth noncommittally promises to marry her- after he has found himself first. She is ready to wait for him as long as he wants though she feels ready to marry him at that moment and wonders why they have to wait. What is he waiting for her to become that she isn’t now? She is even ready to marry him even though he will not love her as much as she would want him to. (Madness). In two years of dating, he breaks up with her almost every week for fights over one issue- marriage, and Priscilla, like a lost poodle goes with this emotional rollercoaster hoping that each time it will last. Two weeks to the day he is supposed to propose (they have finally given themselves a deadline), he finally tells her that he does not loves her anymore. Priscilla is off course devastated. But she has to learn to let go of the man on whom she had pegged her hopes and dreams, and trust God for her future with or without Kenneth. The reader may not be as surprised that she finally does not marry Kenneth. Throughout her entries, it is obvious to everyone but her that something is seriously wrong with this relationship.

What is so gripping about this story is that it mirrors so many of our lives though we will not always admit of the desperation that often marks our love lives. We are grappling with relationships that are, clear to everyone but us, not working. We are living with men who do not respect our choices or us and treat us accordingly. We are daily making unwise choices without considering the effect they have on our present and future. It is the reason a woman will live with a man till he batters her to the grave. And the reason she will entertain his sleeping around until it also kills her. Or like Priscilla, we leave our hearts and emotions out in the open, to be trampled by anyone who cares. Reason? We do not value ourselves. Consequently we hook up with men who do not, cannot value us.

Priscilla puts is as thus: “Why did I continue to hang onto Kenneth so desperately? Why didn’t I seem to care whether or not the man I loved valued me as a priceless ruby? In retrospect, the answer is simple: I did not value myself highly enough to recognise that I deserved the kind of love a Christian man is supposed to have for a woman. Ken wasn’t even capable of loving me for six months straight. How could I have expected him to love me for a life time?”

Priscilla was settling for much less than she was worth. Because of the way Kenneth treated her, she came to view herself as thus- unworthy of a man’s love, replaceable, common as the grass. She downplayed her beauty, uniqueness, gifts and talents because one man did not acknowledge of them or treat her with dignity.

We so often make the same mistakes. We hang around the wrong kind of men who give us wrong tags and forever define us as thus. Resultantly we cannot see ourselves as anything else other than that. Have you ever noticed that if the man in your life calls you beautiful you feel beautiful and act beautiful? He calls you a tramp and treats you like one, and you cannot possibly understand why another man would see you as a queen. You feel like a tramp.

Self-discovery is among the most important things you will ever do as a woman. The moment you wait for your job, title, career, worse still your man to define you, you fall the risk of being thoroughly mishandled, and not just by a man. Of course you may be lucky to get a man (father, husband, friend) who sees you with the eyes of potential and lets you know it. Be grateful. But do not peg your life around that because when they are gone you will lose your identity. Find yourself.

The 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make: Finding your place in God’s Plan

BOOK REVIEW

The 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make: Finding your place in God’s Plan
Author: Pam Farrel
Paperback
256 pages
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Available: Most Christian Bookshops

Have you read or listened to those self help books and tapes, those ones that tell you that you can achieve anything; you are all powerful, the god of your universe; and six months later your self esteem is no better, just the opposite, because you have not achieved the results they promised?

In The Ten Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, author and motivation speaker Pam Farrel points out how every woman can be successful without being too hard on herself. Pam picks out the things that matter most to women, and the daily struggles they go through and applies God’s word to them, teaching women how to be authentic, be successful in each season, overcome obstacles, take good care of themselves, be daring and leave a legacy.

“The average woman today feels as though her life is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. There are lots of important pieces- she is even convinced there is a beautiful picture- but she is looking for the puzzle box lid because she is not sure where to start or what she is really aiming at,” she writes.

Her message is to the active woman who is frantically trying to balance all of life’s demands, trying to please those around her, but most of the time feeling as though she is always letting them down.
“Do you wonder if God is pleased with your life? Are you pleased with your life? Are you wondering, “Is this all there is to life?” Have you been pushing yourself headlong and are now wondering, “Why?” or “Was it worth it?” or may be you have just been drifting, doing the next thing that came along, and now you find yourself far downstream or off-course from the place you thought you’d be at this age or stage of life.”

And if you are wondering whether you are one of these women here are some pointers she gives:
•    Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the backseat of your car.
•    Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses
•    Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured Post-it Notes
•    You are excited when it is Saturday and you can wear sweats to work
•    You think half a day means living at five o’clock
•    You think it is more strategic to buy clean underwear and socks than try and find any in your kids rooms to wash
•    You think wining and whining should be used interchangeably
•    The purpose of make-up is so you can hide behind it
•    A bad hair day, a broken nail or a change in plans are the makings of a tragic epic suitable for a TV mini-series
•    Everything has to be approved by your girlfriend
•    Happiness to you is a goal or right

Much of what Pam shares is drawn from her experiences as a wife, mother to four sons and co-founder of Masterful Living, an organization that provides insights for personal relationships. The book is sprinkled with anecdotes most her own, that profoundly carry the message that every woman is precious in God’s eyes and that each woman should discover this value and live by it. Then she can gladly embrace God’s plan for her in confidence and stop drifting through life. The author emphasizes the need to tune out all the negative influences such as the fear of failure, fear of criticism and negative friends and instead concentrate on the truth of God’s word.
“ Because we all long for respect, we can fall into the false trap of looking in the wrong place for our affirmation. We cannot depend on our husband, children, friends, parents, or boss to give us the validation, affirmation and reassurance we are looking for. Even if we are surrounded by positive and affirming people, their words will help some, but they will still not fill the void in our hearts.”

The book has ten chapters, each expounding on the ten decisions. Each gives solid advice supported by scripture and then offers thought-provoking questions at the end. Each chapter is about 20 pages long, making it perfect for a time of reading each day. At the end of the book the author has presented a study guide and questions for those who want to study it in a small group.

In this book, readers will realise how precious they are to God, find a positive place to direct their creativity and energy, gain confidence regarding the value of their time and efforts, assess their strengths, weaknesses, skills and talents, and learn to stop pleasing people and start pleasing God.

Pam is the author of Fantastic After 40 and Woman of Influence and has co-authored with her husband Bill, other books such as Men are Like Waffles-Women are Like Spaghetti, The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make, Every Marriage Is a Fixer-Upper and Red-Hot Monogamy.

Naming the diva

Naming the diva

Prominent women define “having it all” and give examples of those among them they think fit in that definition and why

Ever since the birth of the feminist movement, women have fought for their turf. They have to a larger extent fought successfully for equal pay, employment rights, equal treatment and more. Today, the woman is not only at par with the alternative gender, but is in some instances steps ahead.
As a result, women have come to define their lot in terms of “has it all” and “going there”. Some women are christened “diva” (as derived from the Italian word ‘diva’ meaning “goddess” or “fine lady”) while others are hardly spoken about. And even among the young, there is that insatiable desire to make it in life. Some young lady is always busy reading a “how to…”, “10 ways to…”, “15 reasons why…” book and websites at one time or another, and shaping their lives according to a certain “model” of  whom they think “has it all”.
We are always trying to reach greater heights in our emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, career and financial spheres. But then, what is the “it” that we are always trying to reach? Is it achievable? How? Does it even exist or are we just chasing a phantom?
We spoke with a few women, some of whom are thought to have it all, others who know they have it all, and others that are still reaching out for “it”, to find out what their views on “having it all” are.

Ms Esther Arunga
KTN News Anchor

“I do not think there is a universal description of a woman who has it all. It varies from woman to woman. For example, Oprah Winfrey may consider herself as having it all, but someone will argue she doesn’t just because she does not have a husband and children. A housewife may believe she has it all because she has a loving husband, great kids and a beautiful home, but a career woman may believe the housewife doesn’t because she does not make her own money. It depends on a woman’s personal goals and ambitions.
“A woman who has it all has achieved her major goals and ambitions. From the outside looking in, the only way one can gauge whether another woman has it all is whether the woman looks content and happy – genuinely happy with her life, that is, not looking like she has just settled with what she has. Though such women may be sobbing into their pillows all night long, in public, they look content. They don’t pull ridiculous stunts for attention purposes (read, Britney Spears), they are doing what they love to do.
Names: Despite her yo-yo weight issues, to me, Oprah Winfrey has it all.
What holds women back: The society’s gross- underestimation of the female potential, capacity and ability.”

Ms Anastanzia Wakesho (Stacey)
Chair, Domestic Tourism Council of Kenya

Pic By Martin Mukangu

“A woman who has it all is courageous, able to fight it out in a male dominated field, selfless and brave.
Names: Ms Esther Passaris and myself.
What holds women back: Fear of the unknown. Everybody is able to be such a woman. But understand that you do not succeed alone. You need someone or some power backing you up. For me it is my belief in God.”

Amina Abdallah

Kanu Nominated MP

“A woman who has it all? (Thinks) Is there one? If you have chumms (money) you don’t have a spouse, if you have a spouse, he is beating you up…

I would say she has to be financially independent, be in emotionally benefiting relationships, have a balanced family and be spiritually okay. There is never perfection in anything.

Names: Mama Nyiva Mwendwa and the MD of Skynet Express, Ms Jane Babsa. These are people who are rich enough in their heart, have confidence in their achievements and they wish good for others.
What holds women back: Poor education, fear and cultures that discourage women. If you are not fearful you will work around issues even when culture discourages you.”

Mrs Joyce Kibet

Life skills coach and motivational speaker with Lady Appeal
“She has her life goals, is on target about meeting them and is seeking balance. Most women look for satisfaction. They should seek to balance things in their lives rather than seeking to satisfy everything. When you try to have it all, you end up frustrated. She may not have accomplished everything but is on track getting there.
Names: Can’t think of any at the moment.

What holds women back: Situations outside of themselves – most women have more hurdles to jump than men. Then within them there are fears; they look down upon themselves.
Women are also emotionally oriented rather than reason oriented. This may not always work for them.
When we see a woman who has achieved, we forget where they have come from. We need to find out what they have been through to arrive there. It takes a lot of perseverance. If we persevere we can have it all. Our problem is that we want it now.”

Ms Njoki Ndung’u

Former legislator, lawyer, gender activist

“I don’t have it all. It is all a balancing act. A woman who has it all has to be fulfilled a) at a personal level, b) at a global level.

At a personal level, she has to be fulfilled mentally, physically and spiritually. Her mind, soul and body need to be fulfilled.

At a global level, this is how she relates with her environment, how people around her live. She avoids negative karma and engages the positive. I do not like staying around negative people. They have walls of darkness about them – envy, jealousy…
There is goodness in helping other people succeed.
She needs to be financially independent and have a stable family.

Names: Muthoni Likimani. She was able to achieve so much when the glass ceiling was not open for women, and she is generous.

Gina Din. She has personality and is gracious.
Rahab Karoki  (a friend). She has worked so hard to get where she is now.
Esther Passaris
What holds women back: Unequal status in society. Women are treated as second-class citizens. The culture and the legal framework, discriminates against the woman.”

Ms Esther Passaris
Businesswoman, former MD of Adopt-A-Light and founder of One in a Million
“When a woman has it all, she knows that when she dies today, everything will be the same. Kenya is unsettled and poverty is at its highest rate. We are a nation of consumers where there is stagnant infrastructure and little investment. You cannot say you have it all and ignore your surroundings.
Having it all involves job satisfaction, having a healthy family, resources to spend, a country that is where it should be and progressing and being aware of poverty and problems that surround us.
A woman who has it all should be at peace with herself as child of God, be a part of the solution to the problems, have qualities that make her Creator happy, doesn’t live a lie and should have a good set of values to live by.
She should be in balanced relationships, have children, be financially stable, live in a safe environment and be happy with the community/country progression.
Life is made of eight legs:
1.    Financial wellbeing- No.6
2.    Family (love and commitment)- No.1
3.    Spiritual wellbeing- No.3
4.    Educational background- No.4
5.    Productivity- No.5
6.    Neighbours- No.7
7.    Country- No.8
8.    Security (emotional and physical well being)- No.2
It is impossible to have it all because life wasn’t made to be perfect. But it is possible to capture many precious moments.
A person who has it all is the one who does the best with what they have.
In 2002, I thought I had it all. In 2008, I feel I don’t. And it is not because of losing the mayoral election. It is because our country is in such a mess.
At some point in life you have it all, other times you do not. You have it all when you compare yourself with the worst, when you have more happy moments than sad ones, depending with how you deal with the positive than the negative.
Names: The last Mother Theresa, Wangari Maathai, the late Princess Diana. Diana – her charity, marriage and birth. Oprah Winfrey – she has dealt with rape, is rich, has a steady boyfriend, is comfortable with herself and is touching so many lives.

Fast-tracked maturity

It is interesting how at 16 years, a girl cannot wait to grow up. At that stage of life, all she wants to do is get out of her parent’s/guardian’s/teacher’s box and have them respect her for who she feels she is, no matter how fickle that self-image is.

The problem that we make is that we end up growing up too fast before our time. We later realise we missed out on so much and the urge then is to either get frozen in time or try to go back. Many of us do, not without consequences. A common scenario may be an old woman who is unable to gracefully let go of youth. She continues to scramble for kiddie clothes and younger men to maintain that feeling.

One girl whose name I will omit just did that, to the consternation and maybe trauma of many. At the age of 16, she decided she was too in love to live without her boyfriend. She hurriedly did her class eight exams –performed not too well, if I may add- and in the same huff, moved in with her boyfriend. Less than nine months later, she was a mother, wife and well looking it.

What is so wrong with that? A lot. But I would have forgiven it had she stuck with it. But five years later (I am surprised it took so long), she finally ditched the family and went back to her mama’s house. Her husband has already cheated on her enough times, even had had a child with another girl. At 21, she already knew the trauma of a broken marriage and was now a single mother of a five year old. She could counsel you on bringing up a toddler, living with a stepchild, handling mother-in-law spurts, dealing with a cheating and abusive spouse, all from experience. Talk of growing up before your time!

The last time I saw her, she had slowly started reclaiming her youth, and though still a beautiful girl, you could see the lessons of the years in her eyes. I hope she will dump her pride and go back to school. But even if she doesn’t, I am sure the lesson nature taught has not been wasted on her.

“Do not hurry up life,” wisdom I wish she would have listened to. It reminds me of an email I received along time ago about the way we cannot wait to progress to the next stage in life- we can’t wait to go to school, move to the next grade, finish high school, go to college, graduate, start dating, get engaged, marry, have kids, see them start school, graduate, move out- the suddenly it hits us: we have grown old, are bound for the grave and we were in such a hurry to go to the next phase in life we forgot to live.

Life really is too short to waste doing all the wrong things. But then again, that is the only way many of us seem to learn. Another naïve girl told me the other day that she would be a fool to keep on repeating the mistakes others have done in the past. She should be able to learn from them and if she has to mess up, then it would have to be in an undiscovered territory. Save from pointing that no mistake has yet not been done by man, I reminded her that knowing the right thing to do does not necessarily stop you from doing the wrong thing, even when the consequences are staring you in the face. Often the thrill of the moment is just too great, you do not really care you are making the same mistakes others have made for ages before you.

This will not necessarily impel you to make better decisions. Our words of caution to the young wife hit brick walls. May be she did not see how we could possibly understand how in love they were, how perfect they were for each other and how ready she was for the path she had undertaken. May be she did, and still dared to take the risk. I might never know. I hope like girl no.2, we really do not have to learn from the school of hard knocks. One story of a girl in Argentina who even after giving birth to four kids by age fifteen and the local authorities moving to give her land and a house, still went ahead to get triplets a year later. At 16, she is a mother of seven. For her even experience quite lost its lesson on her.

jhkjjlkjlj

Most times, we are trying to look for a guy who has features we have already listed down. We want him to talk like this, walk like this, wear like this, earn this kind of money, live in this kind of place, kiss like this… you want to know how vain we can be? I wanted a man who looks good in both casual and formal clothes, and who has a brown leather or corduroy jacket.

Ok, I believe God likes surprising us even when we are being stupid. My bf has a brown leather jacket, and a suede one. That is not why I fell in love with him though- although guess it increased the lure. The problem is that most of us do not know when to make bargains. a friend of mine said to me the other weekend.”God did not give me the woman I wanted. He gave me a woman with the potential to be all I wanted.” Deep. We just need to understand that this girl may be this and not that, this man may be this now, but he has the potential to be this… As a man talk to your gal and find out what she expects from THE MAN in her life. May be she has too high expectations of you. Or may be you will discover yo are not the man she is looking for. Or you will discover you are the one. I always wanted a man who will encourage me to godliness, challenge me to holiness, and prayerfulness, blah blah blah. And who was deeply interested in music, could sing and may be play an instrument. I found those three xsteristics totally sexy. Does that mean that that is the m,an I am gonna marry? Probably. But probably not. Because God knows the end from the beginning, therefore he knows what it is gonna take to get us where he wants us to be..

At the end of the day, it is about trusting God, and resting in the assurance that He knows what is best for us. He wont let our feet to slip. He desires to make us glad.

Beyond surface allures

“I love my legs. You should see them,” one lady said and everybody turned trying to peer at the legs that were safely hidden under trousers.
“I love my hair and my bum,” went  another.
“I love my complexion and my legs.”
My turn arrived and I wished the question had been “What I did not like about my body” instead of the other way round.
We have all been there. Long intense moments of body searching in front of the bathroom mirror, pointing out all the real and imagined flaws we see on our bodies and what we could do to rectify them. The women’s magazines bombard us with  near-perfect pictures of ideal women who by comparison make us feel like miss plain Jane, here I come. Our friends though meaning no harm show us the ideal complexion, the ideal waist, bum and hip size, hair colour and texture, nail length and we rate ourselves by that… until the standards reverse and we are no longer sure whether a big bum, big bust is fashionable any more.

Most of the time this gets us to a little grumbling followed by a minor plummeting of our self-confidence, followed by a little self-talk on how beautiful we really are. Once in a while we push our partners to tell us more specifically where the beauty lies if only to reinforce our feeble faith in ourselves.
Like the women above,  I wonder  how many of us can confidently stand in front of an audience and say what they love about their bodies and really mean it. Given a chance, we could all change something.

There is a joke about the woman who ahead a near death experience but on meeting God, He tells her that she still has twenty more years to live. Immediately on getting out of hospital, she goes to a plastic surgeon who gives her a facelift, stomach tuck, silicon boobs, hair colouring, the works. But as she is crossing the street to go home, a car hits her and she dies. Mad, she goes to God to find out why he lied to her. He apologises; she had changed so much he could not recognise her. I hope your funny tick is on but even if it is not, there lies a truth for every woman. No matter how perfect everyone thinks our bodies are, there is always that pointed nose, tripped ears, squint eye, too flat chest, straight hips that we could do something radical about if we had the courage and the money. Technology can even allow us to get a brand new face if we do not like the one we adorn right now, only we have to live reminding ourselves and our friends and family it is us only we have a new face.

The TV programme ‘Extreme Makeover’ shows us what wonders that can do to our self-esteem. If crooked teeth are the only things denying us happiness in this world and there is something that can be done about that, why not? If too much body fat will deny us marital bliss and liposuction can do the marvel, why not go ahead and have fun?

The problem is that not everyone will have a chance to take some radical decisions with their bodies. A lot of people who tried that- like one who had steel rods surgically added to her legs to make her taller- are left feeling miserable in the long run. Many of us find that we have to live with our bodies just the way they were created and the sooner we stop crucifying ourselves or the gene donors the better. Crucifying others too. Most of us are already sensitive enough about our bodies without having a second or third party highlight our hockey stick legs or major nose.
Neil Clark Warren in his book “Finding the Love of Your Life” gives insight into dealing wit this. “Your attractiveness depends on the sum total of your qualities. Your strength may balance out your weaknesses. A high score in one quality like ‘personality’ can compensate for a lower score on another quality like ‘good looks’. The trick is to maximise your strengths and minimise your weaknesses.”
Warren’s point is that we can all make the best and most of what we have. A pair of heels or wedges , some waxing, some lipstick, a little self confidence, all go along way. You will have to see Caro Wahome on the fashion pages for more of that.
At the end of the day, we are more than our physiques, more than our looks. It may take quite some mental energy to look beyond the surface or to convince people that there is more than meets the eye but it will be a very sad existence for the woman who derives her value solely from her body even if it pays her bills.

A girl by design

“What has happened to your eyes?” Joe asked.
“What?” Karen panicked turning to her bag to retrieve a mirror.
“The eyelids. They are purple.” Joe continued.
“So?” Karen’s tone turned to sarcastic.
“I don’t know. It looks…” and Joe knew he was going to pay the price for his ignorance.

I cannot blame him though. For a guy who has not grown up around girls, how else was he supposed to know that eyelids, eyebrows, cheeks, name it, can adapt to whatever colour we chose to let them and that was none of his business. And next time he had any bland questions, he could result to boy gangs commentaries or better still, hit Google for objectivity’s sake.

A while later Joe got his chance to grouse.
“Women are so trivial. No wonder they take forever getting ready to get out of the house.”
Trivial. That is taking the wrong angle. Specific is more of it, but even that does not quite do us justice.
Blame our genetic coding but we also cannot explain the impulse to buy endless pairs of shoes we will not wear. Did I hear correct that the current trend is collecting designer shoes? Museum shoes will be more like it.
And like Joe and his counterparts will have discovered, we are masters at exterior design. We effectively co-work with our Creator and reinforce, in front of a mirror, what He saw when He said “we are fearfully and wonderfully made”. With appropriate lighting, we can even be fit to appear on Prime Time TV. Next time, believe your buddies advice: when it comes to women, what you see is not what you get.
We are a resultant weird (for lack of a better word) combination of our mamas advice, our girlfriends opinions, Carol Wahome’s fashion tips, Oprah-****- half clones and a wee bit of our own original sense of fashion. And even that is subject to budgetary factors, determining whether we will end up with a GUCCI or CUCCI.

We cannot explain even to ourselves, our fascination with stilettos that kill our backs, pointed toes that give us prize bunions and polythene suits in weird (that word again) colours. I am trying not to think about that spaghetti-strap top that is a Friday-night wear come rain or hail.
And shouldn’t someone put it straight in our men’s minds that we never dress up for them? We know they like what they see (unlike us who see what we like) but that short jeans skirt just looks good on me so I thought, why not? And if my boobs are spilling out of my kid-size top, so what?

I am not to blame for the size of my rear and front. It is therefore not a compliment, as men will presume, to ogle, worse still, to drool at them.
Back to essentials. What is wrong with taking two hours in the bathroom? At least we do show up there. And the mirror, having been invented so long ago with inspiration from reflections in a pond or river, should not lose its function.

We are not sorry our makeup costs more than we dare acknowledge. But someone has to keep the cosmetics industry running.
And to put records straight, until we can swear by his bank balance, we will have to tag along all our girlfriends (ok, three is a good compromise) on dates. We need the security incase he is a weirdo. It is also a good time to test his generosity strain and conversational skills. Let no one begrudge us, if like cats, we have an affinity for the finer things in life, especially when we are not footing the bill. It is not gold digging. It is wisdom Vs survival instinct. Why crawl when you can stand on someone’s shoulders?

Giggling does not mean we are shallow. It is just a combi-label for our sex and age. It says we are finding whatever is going on hilarious or are trying to and with an original joke, we could even give a genuine laugh.

Gone are the days when men thought all women empty between the ears. So while we will not try to impress the world with our Mensa IQs and our hardworking nature, we still will not mind if they respect our job titles instead of thinking we slept our way to the top. And while we are on that topic, being a single girl does not automatically qualify you for “hunter’s list”. As research has confirmed, greater things than how to satisfy men’s whims run in our cerebrums.

Finally, let the men accept that they were asleep when we were being created. They will never quite figure us out.

Beyond surface allures

“I love my legs. You should see them,” one lady said and everybody turned trying to peer at the legs that were safely hidden under trousers.
“I love my hair and my bum,” went  another.
“I love my complexion and my legs.”
My turn arrived and I wished the question had been “What I did not like about my body” instead of the other way round.
We have all been there. Long intense moments of body searching in front of the bathroom mirror, pointing out all the real and imagined flaws we see on our bodies and what we could do to rectify them. The women’s magazines bombard us with  near-perfect pictures of ideal women who by comparison make us feel like miss plain Jane, here I come. Our friends though meaning no harm show us the ideal complexion, the ideal waist, bum and hip size, hair colour and texture, nail length and we rate ourselves by that… until the standards reverse and we are no longer sure whether a big bum, big bust is fashionable any more.

Most of the time this gets us to a little grumbling followed by a minor plummeting of our self-confidence, followed by a little self-talk on how beautiful we really are. Once in a while we push our partners to tell us more specifically where the beauty lies if only to reinforce our feeble faith in ourselves.
Like the women above,  I wonder  how many of us can confidently stand in front of an audience and say what they love about their bodies and really mean it. Given a chance, we could all change something.

There is a joke about the woman who ahead a near death experience but on meeting God, He tells her that she still has twenty more years to live. Immediately on getting out of hospital, she goes to a plastic surgeon who gives her a facelift, stomach tuck, silicon boobs, hair colouring, the works. But as she is crossing the street to go home, a car hits her and she dies. Mad, she goes to God to find out why he lied to her. He apologises; she had changed so much he could not recognise her. I hope your funny tick is on but even if it is not, there lies a truth for every woman. No matter how perfect everyone thinks our bodies are, there is always that pointed nose, tripped ears, squint eye, too flat chest, straight hips that we could do something radical about if we had the courage and the money. Technology can even allow us to get a brand new face if we do not like the one we adorn right now, only we have to live reminding ourselves and our friends and family it is us only we have a new face.

The TV programme ‘Extreme Makeover’ shows us what wonders that can do to our self-esteem. If crooked teeth are the only things denying us happiness in this world and there is something that can be done about that, why not? If too much body fat will deny us marital bliss and liposuction can do the marvel, why not go ahead and have fun?

The problem is that not everyone will have a chance to take some radical decisions with their bodies. A lot of people who tried that- like one who had steel rods surgically added to her legs to make her taller- are left feeling miserable in the long run. Many of us find that we have to live with our bodies just the way they were created and the sooner we stop crucifying ourselves or the gene donors the better. Crucifying others too. Most of us are already sensitive enough about our bodies without having a second or third party highlight our hockey stick legs or major nose.
Neil Clark Warren in his book “Finding the Love of Your Life” gives insight into dealing wit this. “Your attractiveness depends on the sum total of your qualities. Your strength may balance out your weaknesses. A high score in one quality like ‘personality’ can compensate for a lower score on another quality like ‘good looks’. The trick is to maximise your strengths and minimise your weaknesses.”
Warren’s point is that we can all make the best and most of what we have. A pair of heels or wedges , some waxing, some lipstick, a little self confidence, all go along way. You will have to see Caro Wahome on the fashion pages for more of that.
At the end of the day, we are more than our physiques, more than our looks. It may take quite some mental energy to look beyond the surface or to convince people that there is more than meets the eye but it will be a very sad existence for the woman who derives her value solely from her body even if it pays her bills.

The Christian Girl’s dilemma

May be I am just pining for no reason, but I feel that I need to stamp my foot on some matters. Two weeks ago my boyfriend and I promised ourselves that we would concentrate on loving God and discovering our purpose in Him. The reason for this was that I had reached that point in life when I had enough. My faith was quickly slipping downhill, my foundations had been shaken to the core, I had been left out and exposed. I remembered prayers and promises I had made to myself and God. That he would always have thge highest place in my life. That I would honor him in all I do, more so in my relationships. That I would never let a man ccome between me and Him.

I felt I had failed. I had substituted my love for a man with my love for God. Not in the serious sense, but one man was slowly edging out my priorities, my reverence and obedience to one true God, and it is not because he didn’t love God himself. I believe he honestly did. But lust was such a problem in our lives, God got lost in the struggle.

Thursday night I was really down. I had gone through a job interview that racked all my nerves and I needed warm arms to hold me. But I didn’t want him to come home. I was afraid of what would happen.

Looking back now, we have broken most of the resolve we had two weeks ago. It has taught me several lessons. One that I have no idea on how to date in a godly manner. Second that my flesh is so weak. Third that I really need to establish my priorities.

Today I called him up early in the morning that he may come to church. He woke up. but when I called him after church, he told me that he was still at home. I hung up. What kind of a man has to be coerced to go to church? I later met him and he explained that he dozed off again. Understandable. But what really got me was the smell of alcohol in his breath. Honestly, I think I am climbing the wrong tree- have been for quite a while. But I am not afraid to back down and do right by God. Please help me God.